9/2/96

Dear Saddam...

You should only respond as well to chemotherapy as you do to my letters.

Dear Saddam,

    I read in the paper you have lymphoma. Well, I'd like you to know I had it too, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Or so I thought.

    Yours truly,
    Sam Orbaum

 

Dear Mr. Orbaum,

    You are mistaken. Our President is not ill. He is inhuman and therefore is not prone to the human miladies. He is sorry about your speedy recovery, and wishes you the fate of all Zionists: that you should grow lumps as big as camels' humps.

    Insincerely,
    Wabash ibn Ishkebib-el,
    Aide to the President
    And His Nephew

 

Dear Mr. Ishkebib-el,

    Thank you for your letter. I can't express enough happiness that the President's condition is as reported. May His Highness enjoy the life expectancy of an Iraqi aide when Saddam's in a bad mood.

    Zionistically yours,
    Sam Orbaum

 

Dear Mr. Orbaum,

    I have passed on to His Heinous your warm wishes as well as your address. He would like to send you a gift by air: renovations for your sealed room. He dearly hopes you will be home to receive it.

    With warrest wishes,
    Wabash ibn Ishkebib-el
    Loyal Underling,
    Aide, Nephew, and
    Minister of Zionist Scoffery

 

Dear Wabash,

    Good to hear from you again. I hope Saddam is responding as well to treatment as he is to my letters. I hope he is permitted visitors because one of my friends, who works for our national interests abroad, happens to be in Baghdad and is very concerned with Saddam's life.

    Your friend in Israel,
    Sam

PS: Has his hair begun to fall out yet?

 

 

Dear Sam,

    The President is sick and tired. Of receiving your letters. His doctors assure him that his nausea is a Zionist plot, caused by you.
    Once and for all, let me assure you His Grossness does not have cancer, he has aids like me that will take care of him for good. And also, his country loves him, which yours doesn't. Love you, I mean.

    Your enemy in Iraq,
    Wabash

PS: His hair will never fall out because it was put there by God.

 

Dear Wabash,

    So how are things? I figure by now he's had his first bone biopsy, may the doctor's needle be as accurate as a Scud. I imagine Saddam with his bare tushy up in the air, and think how much he and I have in common. I mean, he must be entirely bald by now.

    Merkinly yours,
    Sam

PS: I enclose a swatch of my hair, which has grown back. Saddam can use it as a wig for his upper lip. Don't ask where I clipped it from.

 

Dear Sam,

    How did you know Saddam's moustache has fallen out? The President is furious. No one is supposed to know. He suspects there is a Zionist spy in his midst, passing on state secrets. His entire medical staff has been executed because of your last letter. Thought you'd like to know.

    Up yours,
    Wabash
    Heir to the Presidency

PS: Your gift was appreciated. The President wears it all the time, and can once again be seen in pubic.

 

Dear Wabash,

    Glad to hear you're still alive. Hey, I like your new title. But from what I hear about Saddam's megalomania, maybe you should defect. Like his sons-in-law said, heir today, gone tomorrow. Ha, ha.

    Your Zionist conspirator (let's see how you explain that to Saddam! Ha, ha),
    Sam

PS: Did you know that in Israel, cancer patients don't pay income tax? I'll bet with the kind of salary Saddam gets, the tax rebate could really turn around your economy.

 

Dear Mr. Orbaum,

    Your letter to Mr. Wabash ibn Ishkebib-el was passed on to me for response. I am sorry but the abovementioned has narrowly escaped a terrible personal tragedy: he escaped.

    PS: His Bloatedness the President would like to know more about the tax exemption. Can you send us the forms?

    Yours in disdain,
    Kihl Umm Al
    Executive Execution Executor
    And Tax Specialist

 

Dear Mr. Al,

    Sorry to hear about Wabash, but I guess it's a good sign: Saddam's back at work. Please tell your president -- and I think I speak for the whole world -- that it's a pity he survived the Siege of Baghdad just to come to this.
    May his red-bloodedness soar at the expense of his white count.

    Yours in remission,
    Sam Orbaum

PS: I spoke to the authorities. They said Saddam should pick up the forms here in Jerusalem. In person. It's a straighforward procedure, actually: they'll want to see all his documents, ask him a few questions, and presto, they'll ensure he has enough money to last a lifetime, however short that may be.

cc: Shimon Peres

 

Dear Mr. Orbaum,

    Just had a quick word with the President. It seems he's not getting straight answers from his doctors. (It seems when he does, he needs new doctors.) He has some questions for you about the side effects. He has poor vision, bad taste, addled brain, itchy fingers, grouchiness and a mad desire to leave a lasting mark on society. Did you suffer the same conditions?

    Omar Zift
    Minister of Health Or Else
    And Brother-in-Law-in-Waiting

 

Dear Mr. Zift,

    Yes. But it my case, it was from chemotherapy.

    Sam

 

 

    "Hello? Can I speak to Mr. Orbaum please."
    "Speaking."
    "Wabash here."
    "In the name of Allah, where are you?"
    "It's a secret. Hold on, Hussein wants to talk to you."
    "Saddam?!"
    "No, King Hussein."
    "You mean I'm gonna talk to the goddamn king of Jordan?!"
    "I beg your pardon?"
    "Oh. Sorry, your Highness. Figure of speech."
    "I will be direct. How are you?"
    "Fine, thanks."
    "Hmm. Pity."
    "Excuse me?"
    "Nothing personal. Wabash here tells me you had the same thing Saddam's got. My kingdom is, you could say, on shpilkes, wondering if he's going to make it or not."
    "So you were hoping I'd be, uh, unable to come to the phone. Eternally."
    "Yes. Sorry."
    "Isn't peace wonderful."
    "Mr. Orbaum, you could do the entire Middle East a great favor. Next time you write Saddam, tell him you're not doing so good. Tell him you have to stay in bed all the time, that you quit your job because work is bad for your health. Maybe he'll take the hint."
    "You want me to lie to a dictator?!"
    "It's for the sake of world peace."
    "Gee."

   

Dear Saddam,

    So how are you? Still constipated?  I really don't know how you can run a country in your condition. Take my advice: ease up a little. When I was at your stage, I was in no shape to slaughter Kurds, overrun Kuwait or purge the military. You can enjoy life again when you get your strength back.
    For now, do like I did. Take up a hobby, like stamp collecting, or baking, or maybe join a Scrabble club. Spend more time with the children. (Granted, mine didn't defect.) Watch TV, read a book, visit friends. (You do have friends, no?)
    As my wife always says, Saddam, we're not so different, you and me.

    Your confrere in chemo,
    Sam

PS: Perhaps I could recommend a brilliant Jewish doctor...

 

Dear Sam,

    I am the Ethereal Warrior of the Chosen People of God, President for Life of the Great and Good Arab Light Unto the Nations, the Humble Savior Saddam Hussein of Iraq.
    You are Zionist dung.
    At any rate, thanks for getting in touch.  I do not, of course, have cancer, or any other common frailty, but if I did, it would be with the purpose of serving my nation. Like, for instance, offering my body as a factory for germ warfare for use against the evil Jew scavengers.
    Alright, so for argument's sake, let's say I do have lymphoma for said sacred purpose. And you, because you are a despicable Jew, were punished by Allah with the very same thing. And furthermore let us remember that I am exalted and you are worthless. With all that in perspective, I demand to know this: why me, Lord? It's just not fair. Iran couldn't vanquish me, America couldn't beat me, the whole damn world tried to kill me and couldn't, and now I have met my match and it is a node.
    I am grateful for your correspondence, for you have unwittingly provided me with intelligence, which we sorely lack, on the Zionist entity. Now we know, for instance, that the soft underbelly of the Jew economy is income tax. Our next war will be won thanks to you. (Incidentally, would you mind popping those forms in the mail as soon as possible?)
    I trust you will keep this letter confidential. If you tell anyone I have contacted you, I will deny it, and you have that here in writing. 

    Regards,
    Saddam

PS: I have all the brilliant Jewish doctors I need. I simply took a few Moslem ones and converted them.