15/6/01

Excuses, excuses (II)

Don't blame me, I'm a journalist, I only report what's true.

Look, I know this kind of column is real easy to write, but after running the first collection of excuses, lots of people had lots of ideas for lots more excuses, so I figured what the heck, with what I'm getting paid to write this stuff, why sweat it?

    Not that I'm making any excuses.

They got no right to talk, those rightwing fascists, because this here's a democratic country and that's why sometimes you gotta beat the crap out of them for the sake of the peace process.

It was God's will, that's why.

I should pay income tax? Nobody in the shuk pays income tax, and I'll tell you why: I had to sell a lot of onions just to buy the Mercedes. I can't afford to pay income tax. And besides, just let them come into the shuk and try to collect from us.

Oh, sure, if I pay income tax the next day they build another yeshiva.

Well of course they all died, that's what happens when there's mixed dancing.

God forbid we should serve in the army. We learn, we pray, that's why the Jews win wars.

We had to get divorced, because of religious differences: she refused to worship me.

We are terrorists? The Jews are terrorists! They put the bombs, they kill Jews so it looks like we are the killers, but we are a peaceful people, ya'ani, we are innocent victims of a holocaust, because sadly, tragically, these smart Jews learned so well from the Nazis to slaughter six million helpless Palestinian children and babies, which is not to say a Jew Holocaust ever happened because they invented that in their imagination the same way they make the world believe we are, ya'ani, terrorists, and that is why we are misunderstood.

Don't blame me, I only work here.

It's because I'm Sephardi.

e are not, I repeat, not, complying with the Arab boycott. Some of our best customers are Jews in New York, but that's off the record. If it seems that we are not selling to the Jewish State it is, I assure you, nothing more than a problem with tarriffs, shipping schedules, contractual obligations to the Arab states for exclusive regional territoriality, and because the Israelis keep demanding bulk discounts which would be impossible to accommodate for such a small country. Believe me, if there were as many Israelis as Arabs we would happily do business with them.    

How can you blame me? I had no idea my people were preparing for war against the Israelis. I was at the peace talks all that time.

Why should I learn Hebrew? Anybody worth speaking to speaks English.

Because you people killed Christ.

You're wrong, and I'll tell you why: because we're CNN. We decide.

My little boy wants to die for his country, what can I do, I'm only his mother, he doesn't listen to me, you know how boys are, and besides, we need the money.

Look, if we defend ourselves, the Palestinians might get upset.

Just because this is a democracy it doesn't mean you can criticize Rabin.

I blame the Jews, and I'll tell you why: Gore would've won if they didn't all vote for Buchanan.

Of course Sharon beat me. It was because of Peres.

Rape her? No, I was trying to help her. 

Don't blame me that Oslo failed. Arafat promised.

You believed me? What are you, an idiot? I'm a politician!

Damn right I'm gonna water my lawn. I didn't cause the water shortage, why should I suffer? Besides, at the last minute they'll find a solution, they always do.

Because God told me to.

Look, Marc Rich had to run away from justice, so he suffered enough. That's why I pardoned him.  

Look, I didn't want to be a minister. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef told me to.

We didn't ask the Tanzim to shoot at Gilo from our houses, so I don't understand why the Jews are firing back at us.

It is with true and deep regret that we cannot make peace with the Zionist entity, but this is not possible until there is a just and lasting peace with the Palestinians, and the Syrians, and the Lebanese, and the Iranians, with Hamas and Hizbullah, until the Jews have returned every inch of Palestine, departed from Jerusalem and Jaffa and Haifa, and repatriated themselves to America and Russia and Poland, then and only then will we consider the possibility of recognition. 

Yeah, well, my kids are not getting an education here, so we're thinking of going back to America, where they can learn real Zionist values.

No, no, no: the police killed us first and then we rioted.

Deri is innocent. Because we say so.

How can you call us anti-Israel? Any Israeli citizen is free to fly American Airlines, to any country we go to, which at this point in time, for economic reasons beyond our control of which I am not at liberty to divulge, does not include Israel, at least until such time that the security element of that country has improved and the risk factor to our personnel eliminated, regardless of the fact that this route is highly profitable.

It's the coach's fault we lost.

I was framed, it was a conspiracy, they're all out to get me, but I'm an innocent victim and I know the nation is with me.

Concede defeat? Accept the blame? Take responsibility for failure? But I'm Israeli!

Because I saw them do it on TV, so don't blame me, blame society.

So what if I was wearing hardly any clothes and I agreed to go to his apartment and I sat down next to him on the couch; I didn't want his hand on my knee, which is why I screamed rape.

You want your money back? What is this, America?

Look, the meter's broken, it's 50 shekels, and believe me you won't get another taxi in this rain. Yalla, you coming or not?

(This one's for real: in response to a written query about why the BBC's terminology differentiates between the IRA as "terrorists" and Palestinian terrorists as "bombers" and "militants," they gave this explanation:)

    BBC News Online does, of course, reflect the two distinct outputs from the  BBC - that targeted at a domestic UK audience and that for a world audience.  It has long been the policy of the domestic service to refer to terrorists in Northern Ireland of any religious persuasion as such but the policy of the World Service is not to refer to anyone in those terms. We do re-present material from both the UK and world outputs -- the Internet is, after all, a global medium -- and there is sometimes an inconsistency. This is an ongoing discussion in the BBC about this and the position is under constant review.

Yeah, well, it's the BBC, what do you expect?

We don't generally prosecute the rich and famous, because it is not in the public's interest. What "the public's interest" is, I decide, not the public, because if I let everyone decide, they'd just throw these people in jail.

Don't ask me why I pardoned Marc Rich. The Israelis made me do it. Ask them.

It had nothing to do with money. It was a matter of principle.

I don't flush. I'm a Zionist.