14/7/00

Excuses, Excuses...

We Israelis may not be perfect, but there's always a good reason.

But officer, I had to park illegally on the sidewalk because it's the week before Pessah and my wife -- she's still in hospital after saving the neighbor's baby from the fire -- my wife said if I don't get to the bank before closing we won't have money to buy the dough she needs to bake shmura matza for the orphanage, assuming she gets out of jail in time. I mean hospital.

But I have triplets.

Alright, your honor, so I stole. But I'm Sephardi, and religious, so it's not my fault.

Look, I know I wasn't first in line, but I can't wait, I've just been to the doctor -- you know Dr. Cohen, the epidemiologist? -- and he said to me "Get that medicine fast, or else."

You don't want to start up with me, pal, my uncle knows a Knesset member.

Oh, sure the teacher tells you I skipped classes, but does she tell you why? Does she tell you it's because I was trying to buy you a birthday present?  But never mind, it's supposed to be a surprise, so if you must punish me go ahead, but I really think you should punish the teacher.

Of course I had to kill him, he took my parking place. Even after I told him "I was there first."

But I have to jump the queue, my mother is sick and old and dying. You have a mother?

Look, I know I said we'd visit your sister today, but there was just a bulletin on the news, Habub is fit to play, so I have to go to the game. If they lose I'll never forgive myself. Yalla, I'll wear the cap you gave me, OK?

Sorry boss, I can't come to work during the counting of the omer. It's only seven weeks. Y'see, I thought I'd try being religious for a while.

But I have triplets, your honor. That's why I went through the red light, to get diapers, it's an emergency. You know what it's like to raise triplets?

Me, guilty? Was Dreyfus guilty? If I'm guilty then everyone who voted for me is guilty.

Of course I was speeding, officer, because I saw you speeding behind me and I didn't want to get in your way, figuring you wanted to get home in time for Shabbat and then get to shul before -- hey, did you ever notice I sit exactly three rows behind you? I pointed that out to the rabbi just the other day.

But I'm a politician. I'm allowed.

I can play my music as loud as I want because I have six big brothers and they won't be happy to hear you've been, I dunno, sexually harrassing me or something.

But I can't meet them at the airport because I have a sore elbow, which means I can't clean the car, and I don't think you'd want your relatives driven through the Holy Land in a filthy car they can't even see the windows through.

Hey, waddaya want from me? Of course I overcharged you! Tomorrow I'm going to miluim and I'm afraid of dying, so maybe I wasn't thinking straight. Here, take the 20 agorot, are you satisfied now?

Me, rude? The hell I'm rude. Anyway, it's your fault, the way you Ashkenazim kept us in transit camps all those years.

Yeah, I'm late. What d'you expect? I have triplets.

But I didn't know this restaurant's not kosher. It says on the window "home-style cooking."

Of course I saw you waving at me, officer, I don't speak Hebrew so I thought you were being friendly. 

Alright, so I voted for Barak, he made all those promises. It's my fault he didn't keep them?

Alright, so I didn't vote for Barak, I had the flu on election day and I got mixed up, I thought he was one of them. Well, he talks like one of them, so how can you blame me?

But rebbe, I was going to the mikve but suddenly there appeared a woman standing outside it with bare arms so I had to make a detour and get in through the back door and I got lost and ended up downtown. Then I saw, not on purpose, those bare arms again -- well, I thought it was the same arms, because I never saw arms before, so I closed my eyes and hurried past her into the mikve, but it wasn't the mikve, you see, and that's why I ended up in that disco.

It's your fault I smoke, you make me nervous.

Naturally we Palestinians never before expressed such a fervent passion for Har Homa as a vital, indispensable part of our sacred homeland. Until you Jews started building there, we'd never heard of it.

Well of course we charge you for every single tiny bank transaction, including deposits, what do you expect, free service?

If I hadn't kicked your dog it might have bitten me.

You're lucky it's only a small dent, I'm a new driver.

You think I've been stealing your newspaper from your doorstep every morning? Me?! Are you  crazy?! But even if I was it's only because my grandmother is ill and I have to read the obituaries every morning or I'll miss the funeral.

Yeah, I'm going back to America, and I'll tell you why. It's too hot here, and there's all these wars, and people always speak to me in Hebrew, and I can't get a decent pedicure.

Yes, it's true, we burned down the forest, because we love our homeland and we will drive out the Jews even if it means destroying our sacred land.

You want to know why you're not getting mail anymore? Because your mailman is having personal problems, so stop complaining and wait till he feels better.

A cash refund? Where do you think you are, America?

I don't know what got into me. I assumed you were turning left because you indicated a left turn, but I suppose it's my fault I hit you because I should have guessed you were an Israeli driver and expected the worst.

Because I'm the boss.

Yes, ma'am, you may be right. Perhaps Israeli hotels are among the highest-priced in the world. But hey, that's fair, because you're getting the best service in the world, no?

But Arafat promised.

Look, I was chief rabbi once, so don't tell me what the Ten Commandments say; Aryeh is a good Jew. The judges are antisemites.

Well, of course I'm grouchy. I have triplets.

Sorry this week's column is shorter than usual. I ran out of excuses.