But Seriously

21/1/94

Letters From the Editor

Dear Reader: We regret to inform you that this was written...

... By Sam Orbaum

Dear Mr. Mizrahilevitch,

Thank you for your story idea. Unfortunately, at this time we are not interested in publishing your vital account titled "Jewish Chicks I Have Known."

May I suggest you submit the article to The Jerusalem Report.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Yoram,

I am sorry there was a spelling mistake in last week's magazine. I will tell everybody not to do it again.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Miss Blintz,

Thank you for your interesting revelations. I did not know Elvis Presley was a Marrano. I must admit I had never noticed the tefillin marks on his left arm. I am inclined to believe your claim that he was circumcised, however we are not at the present time planning an expose of "Jewish Elvis, the Real Story"

May I suggest you submit the information and proof of circumcision to The Jerusalem Report.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mr. Orbaum,

We regret to inform you that

Dear Hank,

I regret to inform you that at the present juncture in time I am not planning to take you up on your offer to take me out to dinner. It is not just the skull-and-crossbones tattoo on your tongue, it is due to the fact that I am otherwise engaged in a marital condition.

Thank you in any case for your fascinating offer. May I suggest you try Betty-Lou at The Jerusalem Report.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Betty-Lou,

Got you a real dandy. Can't wait to hear about it. This time, keep your mouth shut (you'll see what I mean). And don't breathe a word of this to A.

Dear Mr. Mahmoud-Ali,

Thank you for your interesting revelations. I did not know Elvis Presley was really an Arab named Parsi El-Vis. However, we are not at the present time planning an expose of "Sheikh Your Pelvis, The Real Story."

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mr. Nesvisky,

Thank you for your offer of a weekly humor column. We already have a couple of guys doing the job, unfortunately.

The Editor, JP Magazine

P.S. How would you like to sell subscriptions for us in Pennsylvania?

Dear Mr. Orbaum,

Your humor column has not been

Dear Domino's,

My phone has been out of order. Please send over a double onion with fat-free anchovies and a Kinly. As fast as possible, I'm starving.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Editor-in-Chief,

Nesvisky wrote again. What should I do?

Dear Bobby,

Thank you for your concern, however, there is no need for worry. Our editorial offices are not located on the Golan Heights. Good luck in Grade 4.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mr. Spiegel,

Thank you for your recent submission. I did not know Rabin is a pinko Arab-lover. Regretfully, our present format does not enable us to run your 11-part series titled "Commie-Knesset Conspiracy: Who To Kill To End It All." I have taken the liberty of forwarding it to the Jerusalem Police for their perusal.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mr. Orbaum,

It is with difficulty that I have to

Dear Mr. Aleffe,

We are very grateful that you enjoy our magazine. I regret, however, that we are not planning an Amharic edition at this time. May I suggest you approach The Jerusalem Report with this idea.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mr. Chizhburger,

Your law firm contacted me recently regarding your client Mr. Bulbul, who is suing my newspaper. We regret that we are unwilling to settle out of court, as we feel his accusations are unfounded.

I am aware that Mr. Bulbul has submitted upwards of 60 articles for consideration in my magazine, but I contend that each was rejected because he is a poor writer, and not because he is a Jew. We reject any insinuations that our literary policies are racially motivated; we feel we can prove, in court if necessary, that a fair proportion of our writers are members of the Jewish faith.

Respectfully,

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mr. Hart-Byrne,

I am afraid we could not afford to spend $5,000 for an exclusive on the photos you sent us. We have no reason to suspect your integrity as a photo-journalist, but your nude shots of the Queen Mother in a mikve do not, unfortunately, show her face.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mr. Deri,

We regret that you have been unavailable for comment for the past two months. Should we fail to hear from you by Monday, the article will run as is.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mrs. Orbaum,

Please tell your

Dear Rabbi Landau,

I do not know if our printing ink is kosher. I appreciate your deep concern that our readers may be licking their fingers when they turn the pages of my magazine, but I doubt we'd be willing to pay your inspectors a weekly stipend for certification.

As for our advertisements, I really cannot ascertain if our readers read them on Shabbat or not.

The Editor, JP Magazine

To Whom It May Concern,

Please be advised that this publication cannot be held legally responsible for any obscenely suggestive subliminal seductions written in invisible ink on any cartoons we publish by Mr. Pepe Feinberg.

Formal complaints should be fowarded to the Shin Bet, re: file PP3449506.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mr. Orbaum,

I regret to inform you that we have decided

Dear Mr. Dinitz,

I am sorry you missed our June 25 issue because you were in The Bahamas on Jewish Agency business. I am enclosing a free copy with our compliments. As you will see, there was, in fact, a story about you. I would be very proud if it found a place in your scrapbook.

The Editor, JP Magazine

Dear Mr. Levy,

As publisher of this newspaper you would be interested to know that Mr. Orbaum has been observed intercepting and reading my outgoing mail. This is intolerable. Do what you must. Even if it means dumping his dumb column.

The Editor, JP Magazine

P.S. How about offering him to The Jerusalem Report?