21/2/97

Oops!

So you thought we in the news biz were perfect, eh?

    You know what kind of journalist other journalists hate most? The kind who collects newspaper howlers and then publishes 'em. But you think that's gonna stop me? Nah. Nobody speaks to me anyway, since the last time I did this, a couple of years ago.
    Most of this stuff never made it to print, because not much gets past the sharpies at our newsdesk. Like this nominee for worst set of mixed metaphors:
        ג€œAt the moment people are market hopping. They are pumping one up and then jumping ship to the next one. It is a game of pass-the-parcel where the loser is the one left holding the baby when the liquidity bubble bursts.''
    The lead, or start of a story, should encourage the reader to read on. Whatever wiles the writer uses to snare the reader, he should, at the very least, offer some hint of what the story's about.
    From this lead, can you guess who or what the subject is?
        "Harvard mathematician and satirist Tom Lehrer observed  in one of his ditties that the career of Alma Gropius Werfel Mahler, who  married three of the most creative artists of this century, made him  aware of how little he had accomplished in his own life. ג€˜It is a sobering  thought,' said Lehrer, `that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead  three years.' "
    How many of you guessed Lehrer? Mahler? Mahler's wives? Mozart? Mathematics, satire, marriage, divorce, art?
    Wrong. It's an interview of Brandeis University President Yehuda Reinharz. Obviously.
    This next lead, from an Associated Press news story, suggests that the writer didn't really have a grasp of the subject matter:
    "Thousands of Jews named Cohen held Passover prayers Monday at the Western Wall in Jerusalem, while a small group of extremists named Levy tried to push their way into a Muslim holy site."
    The Post can be a little too highbrow sometimes. The following sentence, from a book review, would not have seen the light of day in Kol Ha'ir or Yediot:
    ג€œDispensationalism is a variety of premillennialism which crystallized among the British `Plymouth Brethren' (led by John Darby) as an eschatology anticipating Jesus's advent ג€˜in the air,' whither true believers would be ג€˜raptured from earth' to inaugurate a Great Tribulation to be followed eventually by the Second Coming."
    Don't bother reading that a second time. It won't help.
    You can't blame the writer for this next one, or the editor, or the layout person. In cases such as this, we like to blame "the gremlins":

And the  questions about  hockey, basketball,
soccer, baseball and football are just too easy
to make  Malei Sport  worth watching,  unless
you  like  seeing  the  lame-brain  contestants
screw up.

        I used to work for the Montreal Gazette, and this many years later, I finally get the feeling they miss me. I might have been on hand to obviate this correction: "A story in The Gazette yesterday said that Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin had ended a speech in Warsaw with a prayer. He was incorrectly quoted as saying, 'Hero Israel, the Lord is our God...' In fact, the words are, 'Hear, O Israel...'"
    Some of the most mirthful oopses are transmogrified double meanings,  such as the following few examples:
    "Bridal dresses need not even be white anymore; the same goes for the bridegroom."
    "I once moved and found two Siamese cats and a very big dog, all insisting on sharing my bed for the first night or two. They all got over the trauma, however."
    Eric Cantona has been called the bad boy of soccer, but really, he can't be as destructive as we made him out to be in this strangely constructed report: "Manchester United stood atop the league on the 35th anniversary of the Munich air crash in which eight young United players died, thanks to the irrepressible Cantona."
    From a Jewish Telegraphic Agency story: "Each month, Jackie Levy tried to become pregnant. Each month, she failed. Surrounded by a close-knit family and a large group of friends..." (Uh, maybe that's why she failed, no?)
    From a Toronto Star article: "Then we'd go caroling, singing from mimeographed songsheets that Mom had run off."
    You can imagine the hysterics at the newsdesk when we came across these beauts:
    A notice in In Jerusalem: "Celebrate Breastfeeding Day at Misgav Ladach Hospital. Activities for the whole family..."
    "The driving performance is what surpasses most of the compact cars available here. The setting of the  wheels  at the four corners ... gives great stability to the automobile..."
       "There's no longer any reason for women to be embarrassed when seen only in their underwear..."
    "The Red Army celebrated its 25th anniversary by driving into the Ukraine ..." (Yes, birthday's can be hell, too.)
        "The Hyatt Regency recently played host to five members of the Fischer clan, only two of whom are related."
    "An all-black set of wide-revered jacket, cuffed pants, vest, shirt and polo-necked sweater is an absolute must for the male wardrobe."
    "Paul Blackman, research coordinator at the National Rifle Association, criticized the study for focusing on homicides. ג€˜These people were highly susceptible to homicide,' he said. ג€˜We know that because they were killed.' "

    We in this trade are supposed to be good communicators, but sometimes, even we wonder. A reporter who sent us an item about a new bagel on the market promised to forward us a photo. We sent her a computer message: "Is it horizontal or vertical?" We meant, of course, the photo. The reporter must have thought we were idiots, as her return message spelled it out: "The bagel gets sliced horizontally, i.e. you separate the top half from the bottom half. It could only be vertical if you have a bagel-holder stand, such as exists in the US but not here, which holds the horizontal bagel vertically while you cut it, so you don't cut your hand. Is that clear?"

NOT ALL howlers are bloopers. Like this headline, from an unknown American newspaper. There's no mistake, but it does make me giggle every time I look at it:

Putz named MCC's top player

    The caption under the photo of the unfortunately yclept basketball player just makes matters worse:
    "David Putz dribbles away..."
    I love this item from a wire feature called "Today in History": "March 19, 1992 - Cosmonaut Sergei Krikalev is given smelling salts upon his return from 10 months in space when he found out that the Soviet Union disappeared."
    "Maxi-skirts are great for women who want to go to the toilet and leave the door open."
    This has to be a case of poor editorial judgment, burying one of the most stupendous news stories in human history. A magazine called Nefesh splashed this breathless teaser on its cover: "Mashiach's arrival imminent: see page 26".
    And then there are the out-and-out gaffes. Some writers seem to have a problem with numbers, others with words:
     "The station wagon has room for nine:  three in the front (including the driver), three in the second row of seats and four in the back compartment, two on each side."
    "... Wolsely, Siddely Armstrong, Bentley, Lanchester to mention only three."
    "The Torah says, `when you see a beautiful woman and desire her, you may take her as a wife... [But first] when you bring her home, she must shave off her head."
    "The fuel consumption figures are a stunning 21 liters a gallon.ג€
    "So many microorgasms fall into ponds that they're practically self-sustaining."
    And then there are the headlines. These three all appeared in In Jerusalem, years ago:
    Over a reader's letter:
    "Homosexuality and Bargain Basement"
    ... and two more than, frankly, didn't tell me anything I didn't already know:
    "Ramada hotel hosts guests"
    and perhaps my all-time favorite:
    "Sherman anti-trust act predated by Talmud"

THE ONLY journal I've ever come across that legitimately publishes, uh, crap, is the International Fertilizer Correspondent (yup, we read 'em all here, folks). If you think The Post is full of it, you're not getting all the poop until you read IFC. (What? You don't subscribe?)
    The latest edition I have features a front page story headlined "Potassium reduces stem rot damage on rice", which I'm ashamed to admit I did not know, because I depend on this here Jay Pee for all my news. Even more dramatic is the report that a particular kind of fertilizer has been found to substantially increase lint yield in cotton plants.
    The only other serious discussion I've ever read on lint was in the first (and last) edition of Pipik, an underground newspaper at my high school. A two-page fully-illustrated spread investigated the history and development of bellybutton detritus, including a helpful sidebar, "Top Ten Uses of Pipik Lint."
    Not from nowhere did my passion for journalism spring.