5/10/01
Our
Ignobled
Egnlish
Instructions:
Shift
your
eyeballs
from
one
word
to
the
next.
Try
not
to
move
your
lips.
Unless
you
have
to
smile.
If
you're
aboard
an
Air
Canada
plane
somewhere
in
the
world,
and
you
pick
up
the
in-flight
magazine,
and
find
that
someone
has
torn
out
half
a
page,
and
you
wonder
what
kind
of
mindless
vandal
would
do
such
a
thing,
it
was
me.
I
couldn't
help
myself.
What
you
missed
seeing
(because
it's
now
in
my
Old
Green
File)
is
a
finalist
for
the
all-time
most
boneheaded
ad
copy:
the
first
three
words
read
"A
timeless
classic."
It's
an
ad
for
a
watch.
I
had
to
get
that
into
But
Seriously
somehow
(now
Air
Canada
knows
whodunit).
OK,
here
it
is.
Now
I
have
to
figure
out
how
to
fill
the
rest
of
the
page.
Alright,
then:
here's
more
from
my
Old
Green
File...
Belaboring
the
theme,
we
find
an
ad
in
Alitalia's
in-flight
magazine
that
makes
you
wonder.
Yohanan
Goldman
of
Tel
Aviv
was
disconcerted
to
find
the
ad
seeking
cabin
attendants
that
included
the
question:
"Can
you
swim?"
Goldman
says
that
"In
all
fairness,
I
think
passengers
should
also
be
asked
this
question
before
they
are
issued
a
ticket."
(This
exhausts
my
collection
of
airline
mag
ads.)
Ida
Silberman
of
Ganei
Herzliya
noticed
a
sign
at
the
Field
Museum
of
Natural
History
in
Chicago.
The
inclusion
of
the
exhibit's
sponsor
makes
for
a
bizarrely
inappropriate
effect,
sort
of
like
the
claim
that
Jesus
was
the
first
Palestinian:
--->
Inside
Ancient
Egypt
(logo)
McDonald's
A
page
of
a
visual
dictionary
is
headed
"female
genital
organs,"
with
an
appropriate
illustration.
At
the
bottom,
as
on
every
page
of
the
book,
are
the
innocuous
words
"No
reproduction
permitted."
(Here
too
I
broke
the
law.
I
photocopied
--
reproduced
--
the
page.)
I've
been
in
hysterics
about
this
next
one
for
17
years,
since
I
came
across
it
in
the
South
Africa
Goodwill
Recipe
Book,
published
(during
the,
uh,
dark
years
of
apartheid)
by
a
Jewish
women's
group.
The
key
word
there
is
"goodwill,"
but
astonishingly,
there's
a
recipe
for
something
titled
"Niggerheads"
(known
more
politely
as
profiterols).
That's
not
what's
funny:
it's
the
beginning
of
the
instructions:
"Fold
in
stiffly-beaten
whites."
That's
eggs,
ladies!
My
favorite
transmogrifilation
(I
always
wanted
to
coin
a
new
word,
and
this
is
it,
meaning
a
"transmogrified
translation")
on
an
Israeli
menu
comes
from
a
Tel
Aviv
eatery
called
Tatoo.
Diners
can
choose
this
for
breakfast:
"natural
juice,
hot
kerosene."
You
have
to
read
the
Hebrew
to
understand
what
it
means:
juice
and
hot
croissant.
If
you
stop
and
think
about
how
this
gaffe
occurred,
the
image
is
clear:
the
well-meaning
menu
writer
actually
went
to
the
trouble
of
looking
up
the
spelling
in
a
dictionary,
but
applied
the
Hebrew
pronunciation.
(I
stole
the
menu.)
There
is
no
place
in
all
of
Ghana
named
"Pardes."
Rosalie
Moriah
deduced
this
important
fact
because
a
letter
she
sent
from
Jerusalem
to
Pardes
Chana
went
to
Ghana.
There,
they
looked
all
over
the
map,
found
no
Pardes,
Ghana,
and
returned
the
letter
marked
"No
Post
Town."
Now,
this
has
me
worried
that
all
my
mail
to
Ghana
winds
up
in
Pardes
Chana.
I
would
not
believe
this
was
true
had
I
not
seen
it
with
my
own
eyes:
the
scene
in
the
film
was
melodramatic:
his
beloved
wife
died,
and
we're
told
he
"went
to
pieces."
The
Hebrew
subtitle
translated
that
literally
--
"hu
halach
lechatichot,"
which
means,
of
course,
"he
went
to
beautiful
women."
He
must
have
found
them
at
the
Khan
Piano
Bar
in
Jerusalem.
Its
pamphlet
offers
"drinks
and
snatches
on
the
bar."
Don't
ask
me
what
"snatch"
means
in
crude
English
jargon
(you'll
find
it
above
on
the
reproduced
unreproduceable
reproduction
page),
but
that
too
is
an
unfortunate
translation,
of
chatif,
referring
both
to
the
verb
"to
snatch"
and
the
slang
noun
"munchies."
We've
had
a
few
bloopers
in
our
TV
listings
over
the
years:
ג€Hill
Street
Bluesג€
was
rendered
Hillel
Street
Blues.
And
ג€Alice
ibn
Wonderlandג€
--
well,
maybe
that
was
scheduled
for
Arabic
TV.
From
other
sources,
we
have
ג€Hamletג€
becoming
"Hamelet"
("The
Cement").
"Orthodontist"
was
translated
as
"dati"
(Orthodox).
And
ג€The
Ipcress
File.ג€
Want
to
hazard
a
guess?
Nah,
not
even
close.
This
came
out
as
"The
Epikores
[agnostic]
File."
The
Israeli
confusion
with
Fs
and
Ps
has
given
us
such
gems
as
pood
frocessor
and
hocus
focus
--
the
latter
a
gift
of
Shimon
Peres,
who
another
time
got
a
roomful
of
economists
to
burst
out
in
laughter
(which
doesn't
happen
often):
having
just
switched
from
foreign
minister
to
finance
minister,
his
mind
was
apparently
still
on
his
former
portfolio
when,
in
a
speech,
he
referred
to
Patah
accounts
as
Fatah
accounts.
Or
the
women
who
blurted
out
the
name
of
the
opera
singer
as
Placebo
Domingo,
then
corrected
herself
--
"I
mean,
Flacido
Domingo."
(I've
always
wondered:
when
they're
testing
placebos,
what
do
they
give
the
control
group?
I
really
need
to
know.)
THESE
unintentional
oopses
proliferate,
but
it's
hard
to
detect
what's
authentic
and
what's
not.
The
proof
is
in
the
putting
(that
is,
putting
it
in
my
OGF,
which
is
why
I
had
to
vandalize,
illegally
reproduce,
and
steal).
I
don't
trust
what
I
find
on
the
Internet,
but
if
a
newspaper
such
as
the
London
Times
says
it
happened,
it
happened.
Jonathan
Schonfeld
of
London,
my
top
bird-dog
for
British
eccentricities,
sometimes
sends
a
page
of
Times
letters
dwelling
on
a
particular
theme.
(We
do
that
here
at
the
Jay
Pee
every
day,
but
the
theme
is
always
The
Situation.)
The
topic
one
day
was
insipidly
needless
signs
and
packaging
instructions,
such
as...
On
a
package
of
pepperoni:
"Do
not
eat
packaging."
Sign
on
the
back
of
a
mammoth
16-wheel
truck:
"Do
not
push."
Candles:
"These
are
for
decoration
only.
To
avoid
the
risk
of
fire
you
are
advised
not
to
light
them."
On
Marks
&
Spencer
bread
and
butter
pudding:
"Important.
Take
care.
Product
will
be
hot
after
heating."
On
a
tub
of
garlic,
under
a
picture
of
a
clove
of
garlic:
"Serving
suggestion."
On
a
tube
of
hand
cream:
"Apply
sparingly
before
and
after
you
use
your
hands."
A
large
poster
on
a
student
union
noticeboard:
"Anarchy
Society,
inaugural
meeting
to
discuss
structure."
Instructions
for
a
hot-water
bottle:
"When
filling
the
bottle
do
not
use
boiling
water
or
water
from
the
hot
tap
as
this
will
cause
the
bottle
to
perish."
On
instructions
for
prescription
eyeglasses:
"Read
the
rest
of
this
form
before
you
get
your
spectacles."
On
a
California
wine
called
Frog's
Leap,
at
the
bottom
of
the
label
on
the
back:
"Open
other
end."
On
a
pack
of
sleeping
pills:
"May
cause
drowsiness."
Jonathan
provided
more
of
the
same
from
a
Times
column
called
Global
Village:
On
a
blanket
from
Taiwan:
"Not
to
be
used
as
protection
from
a
tornado."
On
a
milk
bottle
in
Britain:
"After
opening,
keep
upright."
On
a
bag
of
corn
chips:
"You
could
be
a
winner.
No
purchase
necessary.
Details
inside."
A
chainsaw
from
Sweden
includes
this
helpful
warning:
"Do
not
attempt
to
stop
chain
with
your
hands
or
genitals."
On
a
Superman
costume:
"Wearing
of
this
costume
does
not
enable
you
to
fly."
On
a
hotel
shower
cap
box:
"Fits
one
head."
Sage
advice
for
buyers
of
an
iron:
"Do
not
iron
clothes
on
body."
Especially
helpful
is
this
package
of
airline
nuts:
"Instructions:
Open
packet,
eat
nuts."
And
finally,
on
insect
spray
from
New
Zealand:
"This
product
not
tested
on
animals."
No,
wait,
there's
one
more,
a
label
on
Jaffa
grapefruits:
"Environment
friendly."
OK,
last
one:
Alex
Berlyne
gave
me
this
one
many
years
ago
--
a
printed
insert
that
exhaustively
details
operating
instructions
of
...
a
book
(more
than
you'll
get
for
a
computer):
How
to
Open
a
New
Book
In
order
to
open
a
new
book
so
that
its
back
will
not
be
broken,
the
following
instructions
will
be
of
value:
The
book
should
be
held
with
its
back
on
a
smooth
table,
then
the
front
board
cover
should
be
let
down.
Following
this
operation,
a
few
leaves
should
be
opened
at
the
back,
then
a
few
at
the
front,
and
so
on,
alternately
opening
back
and
front,
gently
pressing
open
the
sections
till
the
center
of
the
volume
is
reached.
The
best
results
will
be
obtained
if
this
is
done
two
or
three
times.
If
the
book
is
violently
or
carelessly
opened
in
any
one
place,
the
back
will
very
likely
be
broken.
This
was
inserted
with
the
Funk
&
Wagnalls
dictionary.
Easy
to
understand
why
it's
deFunked.
