12/1/01
Research
Has
Shown
That...
...Reading
this
page
may
cause
nausea.
According
to
a
study,
women
prefer
chunky
peanut
butter,
men
prefer
smooth.
Research
has
found
that
a
24-hour
day
gains
1.7
milliseconds
every
100
years.
According
to
a
study,
men
are
more
likely
than
women
to
think
of
sex
while
bicycling,
but
women
are
more
likely
to
think
of
cycling
during
sex.
Research
has
found
that
you
use
more
toilet
paper
if
it
scrolls
from
the
bottom
of
the
roll
rather
than
over
the
top.
According
to
a
study
conducted
by
'But
Seriously,'
research
is
dumb.
Perhaps
you
saw
in
this
newspaper
recently
that,
according
to
the
latest
scientific
research,
a
firm
handshake
helps
make
a
good
impression.
If
this
study
is
at
all
typical,
lots
of
educated
people
spent
thousands
of
man-hours,
supported
by
a
fat
grant,
to
come
to
this
historic
conclusion.
Hugs
are
good
for
your
health.
We
know
that
thanks
to
scientific
experts.
Every
newspaper
has
these
silly
stories,
just
about
every
day.
These
studies
of
society's
idiosyncrasies
are
a
multi-million-dollar
industry
that
produces
nothing
but
newspaper
filler.
Admittedly,
that
sort
of
stuff
is
harmless
-
unlike
the
really
dangerous
scientific
research
going
on.
I
mean
the
things
we
publish
on
this
newspaper's
Health
Page.
Read
it
every
Sunday
(available
at
better
newsstands),
and
you'll
worry
yourself
sick.
I
interviewed
our
health
reporter,
Judy
Siegel-
Itzkovich,
about
this:
'Judy,
is
it
true
that
everything
is
bad
for
us,
everything
causes
cancer,
there
are
germs
in
everything,
we're
doomed,
health
is
a
delusion,
and
death
is
certain?'
'Yes.'
(Fact:
In
certain
remote
mountain
ranges
where
no
one
reads
our
Health
Page,
people
live
to
110.)
(Another
fact:
Comedian
Red
Foxx
once
observed
that
someday
the
hospitals
are
going
to
be
full
of
health
nuts,
dying
from
nothing
and
feeling
very
foolish.
But
he
was
not
entirely
correct.
Jim
Fixx,
no
relation,
died
at
age
52
while
in
the
act
of
being
a
health
nut.
The
running
guru
died
of
a
heart
attack...
while
running.)
According
to
my
own
unscientific
research,
100%
of
test
cases
(me)
have
been
found
to
suffer
side
effects
ranging
from
palpitations
to
male
pattern
baldness
after
discovering
the
terrifying
dangers
in
everything
we
(1)
do,
or
(2)
don't
do.
For
example,
we
now
know
that
the
only
thing
that
doesn't
cause
cancer
is
embalming
fluid.
FRANKLY,
I
don't
know
how
I
get
through
a
day
safely.
I
wake
up
in
the
morning,
and
my
first
thought
is
that
research
has
indicated
that
mattresses
are
breeding
grounds
for
disease,
but
I'm
not
so
willing
to
get
out
of
bed,
because
other
research
shows
that
the
first
15
minutes
of
activity
in
a
day
are
fraught
with
danger:
18%
of
all
domestic
accidents
occur
then.
And
so
my
day
starts:
What
should
I
risk,
disease
or
accidents?
I
do
not,
of
course,
apply
deodorant,
because
of
the
metallic
substance
in
it
that
causes
cancer,
and
there's
no
way
I'm
going
to
step
into
the
shower,
because,
as
research
has
shown,
9.4
Israelis
slip
in
the
bath
every
day
and
break
an
average
of
1.1
bones.
Risking
electrocution
(the
chances
are
something
like
1
in
50,000),
I
boil
water
(building
up
my
next
kidney
stone)
to
brew
caffeine
(believed
to
be
carcinogenic)
with
sugar
(causes
heart
disease)
which
I
imbibe
from
a
ceramic
mug
(which,
if
not
properly
scrubbed
in
hot
soapy
water,
may
eventually
result
in
kidney
failure).
Not
having
a
wife
to
fry
you
a
breakfast
of
cholesterol-infused
eggs
decreases
the
possibilities
of
wife
abuse,
which
can
land
you
in
jail,
and
jails,
I
would
estimate,
are
83%
more
unhealthful
than
homes,
so
it's
better
not
to
take
chances,
by
remaining
unmarried
and
unbreakfasted.
Of
course,
with
breakfast,
I
like
to
read
the
paper.
But
I'm
prone
to
chronic
lower-back
pains,
so
bending
down
to
pick
up
The
Jerusalem
Post
from
my
doorstep
is
extremely
hazardous.
Reading
the
paper
causes
indigestion,
from
all
that
bad
news,
and
anxiety,
from
all
those
scientific-
research
stories.
Turning
to
Page
2
(where
the
obituaries
are)
I
can't
help
but
wonder
why
we've
never
yet
read
about
scientific
research
into
what
dreadful
illnesses
can
be
caused
by
continuous
ingestion
of
newspaper
ink,
which
you
do
indeed
ingest
every
time
you
lick
your
finger
to
turn
to
Page
2
and
beyond.
Actually,
I
know
why:
nobody
would
bother
researching
it,
because
no
newspaper
would
dare
run
the
story.
It's
like
the
philosophical
tree
falling
in
the
woods:
If
the
newspapers
don't
report
its
danger,
can
it
be
dangerous?
By
this
time,
I'm
having
my
first
cigarette
of
the
day.
It
is
well
known
that
cigarettes
are
a
major
cause
of
scientific
research.
If
I'm
still
alive
when
it's
time
to
go
to
work,
where
most
cases
of
sexual
abuse
in
the
workplace
occur,
I
am
given
a
choice:
either
drive
with
the
window
open
and
inhale
pollution,
or
shut
the
windows
and
run
the
air-
conditioner,
which
can
cause
Legionnaire's
Disease.
It's
all
academic
anyway,
because
more
likely,
a
lunatic
Israeli
driver
will
permanently
cure
me
of
hypochondria.
The
alternative
is
taking
the
bus.
The
dangers
inherent
in
public
transport
are
too
numerous
to
mention,
from
catching
everyone's
germs
to
blowing
up.
A
certain
percentage
of
people
do
not
get
to
work
safely,
a
number
don't
get
through
a
workday
safely,
and
some
don't
get
home
safely.
If
you
add
all
that
up,
you're
probably
safer
taking
your
chances
with
an
infested
mattress.
But
it's
not
like
we
have
a
choice:
we
have
to
bring
home
the
bacon,
which
is
unkosher
and
may
cause
trichinosis.
Lunchtime.
Bringing
a
(smooth)
peanut-butter
sandwich
from
home
could
bring
on
anaphylactic
shock,
which
sounds
like
what
you
might
get
from
your
cellphone
(which
is
known
to
turn
your
brain
into
a
battery
pack).
Not
to
mention
that
peanuts
have
been
known
to
produce
aflatoxin,
a
nice
way
of
saying
liver
cancer.
Instead
I
could
eat
in
the
company
cafeteria,
and
get
away
with
nothing
worse
than
probable
food
poisoning.
And
colon
cancer,
maybe.
I'll
wash
down
that
dangerous
food
with
a
cool,
refreshing
cola,
and
trigger
diabetes.
Or,
I
could
opt
for
the
sugarless,
chemical-loaded
version.
Whatever,
I
have
to
drink
a
lot,
because
I've
had
kidney
stones
in
the
past.
If
the
water
is
not
chlorinated,
there's
a
risk,
tiny
though
it
may
be,
of
cholera
and
typhus;
on
the
other
hand,
chlorine
may
produce
chloroform,
and
100
parts
of
that
per
billion
is
known
to
cause
cancer.
Sitting
in
my
office,
I'm
perfectly
aware
of
the
radon
seeping
up
from
the
earth,
and
the
deadly
germs
emanating
from
the
air
conditioner,
and
the
radioactive
materials
in
the
walls,
and
the
rays
radiating
from
my
computer.
It
is
disconcerting
to
note
that
all
the
plants
in
my
office
are
dead.
Nevertheless,
indoors
I'm
safe
from
skin-cancer-
causing
ultraviolet
light
from
the
sun.
If
you
do
not
read
newspapers,
you
do
not
know
of
these
dangers,
and
you
are
probably
a
lot
better
off.
Having
survived
a
day
at
work,
and
taking
every
risk
to
get
back
home
(do
you
have
any
idea
how
many
people
are
killed
every
year
by
airplanes
falling
on
cars?),
I
settle
my
nerves
with
a
shot-glass
of
liver
cirrhosis.
Dinner
is
a
choice
of
one
cancer-causing
food
or
another,
followed
by
a
couple
of
hours
of
low-grade
radiation
from
the
TV
and
maybe
a
few
pages
from
the
book
I'm
reading,
which
health
authorities
warn
may
cause
paper
cuts.
(Every
book
cover
should
include
this
warning
from
the
surgeon-general.)
Sometimes
I'll
spend
an
evening
playing
Scrabble,
but
that's
unhealthy
too:
It
causes
spells.
As
the
day
winds
down,
I
find
myself
yawning
(.04%
chance
of
lockjaw,
according
to
research).
I
prepare
for
bed,
first
pumping
the
bedroom
full
of
poisonous
insecticides
to
murder
any
killer
mosquitoes
lurking
about.
What
to
wear
in
bed?
The
latest
I
hear
-
again,
thanks
to
Judy
-
is
that
disposable
diapers
are
being
blamed
for
decreased
male
fertility.
That
alarmed
me.
I
stopped
wearing
them.
So
I
put
on
my
jammies,
cozying
up
to
whatever
harsh
chemicals
they
were
laundered
in.
I
kiss
my
woman
goodnight,
romantically
exchanging
oral
germs.
We
get
into
bed
and
slip
under
the
covers,
where
it's
safe.
Safe?!
The
rest
is
none
of
your
business,
but
according
to
scientific
research,
that's
a
leading
cause
of
everything.
