3/9/93
Diary
of a Mad Househusband
August
29. A month of freedom ends. Thank goodness.
July
29, morning
Wife takes kids to England for 1 month. Says she
will come back.
July
29, afternoon
Arrive home from airport, turn on stereo real loud,
get drunk. Leave toilet seat up. Pass gas, nobody says anything.
Man, I'm gonna have one wild vacation!
July
29, night
Pipe bursts. Call plumber. 126 shekels.
July
30
Leak. Plumber comes back. Says it's a different problem.
But doesn't charge.
July
31
Pipe bursts again. Plumber blames me. Says I use
the toilet too much. But doesn't charge.
August
1
Lights go out. Lights go out all over neighborhood.
40,000 people blacked out for 9 hrs. City blames me. Says
my water flooded underground cables. Call different plumber.
889 shekels 1st instalment. Mad as hell. Call first plumber.
And lawyer.
August
2
Lights go out again (only my apartment). Call electrician.
In miluim. Call Shuki's electrician. Will pop by tomorrow.
I tell him it's an emergency, beg, threaten. He comes in
5 min. Says it's a problem with the lights, they're out.
I say I know. Asks to use phone cuz he forgot his tools.
But phone is dead. Shrugs. Says he'll come tomorrow but
can he make pee-pee now. Tells me toilet won't flush. Doesn't
charge.
August
3
Electrician comes. Also Bezek, first plumber, second
plumber and next-door neighbor. Not lawyer -- miluim. Neighbor
asks what's going on. First plumber says he got new-type
sprocket from America, might solve problem. Bezek man says
I talk too much on phone, wire burned out. Job too big,
says he has to go to bar mitzva, will send someone else.
Neighbor says probably rat ate wires, should call exterminator.
His nephew is exterminator. 2nd plumber thinks problem is
electrical but electrician blames 1st plumber. Toilet still
won't flush. Nobody charges but neighbor borrows chairs
for dinner party (not invited).
Later
on August 3
New leak. New plumber. Smiles, says he found problem.
Talks long time about property taxes, Golan Heights and
how grandfather walked from Kurdistan to Jaffa in 1905.
Phone now works, but toilet won't flush. Plumber shrugs.
228 shekels.
Also
on August 3
Toilet flushes by itself. Lawyer calls. Not mine,
first plumber's. Says my check bounced. I call bank. Bank
hollers at me, says they made mistake and if somebody telephoned
every time they make mistake they'd never get any work done.
I say drop dead, tell them to close my account. Can't. Overdraft.
Mother of an overdraft. Bank charges for phone
call.
Still
later on August 3
Eat lunch (tuna sandwich). Doorbell rings. 8 men
at door. Bezek. I say phone already fixed. But didn't come
to fix phone, came to check shaft. Shaft is under washing
machine. Men move washing machine and ask me for a match
to light stick of dynamite. Boom. Hole in wall, alarms go
off throughout area, neighbors come running. 8 men successfully
check shaft, move back washing machine.
August
6
Cat throws up.
August
8
Pipe freezes. I say what the hell, it's 28
degrees outside. See ad in paper for American Plumbers Inc.
Figure, aha, that's it. Call. Kermit arrives. Not American.
Albanian, wearing Chicago Bulls T-shirt. I'm his first client.
August
9, 3 a.m.
Albanian plumber still on roof. Trying to fix problem.
Trying to find pipe.
August
9, 11 a.m.
Firemen rescue Kermit from roof. Everybody has to
use toilet. Won't flush. Get chairs back (neighbor says
beet stains must have been there before).
August
10
3rd plumber arrives, says grandfather has hernia
but will be ok, Deri didn't do it, Hapoel should be in 2nd
division, Rabin has no mandate, how much did my VCR cost
and everything is fate. Doesn't know why pipe frozen. Thermostat,
maybe. Or liquid oxygen buildup. Says I should buy new solar
heater. Has special offer. 2,000 shekels and will throw
in free pencil-case with his phone number on it.
August
12
New leak. BIG leak. Babbling brook in laundry room.
Call 2nd plumber, finds problem. Hole in wall. Shrugs, can't
fix, uses toilet, calls wife, doesn't charge. I ram overripe
avocado into hole. Brook dries up.
August
15
Car won't start. NIS 590. Large cockroach flying
around bedroom. I kill it myself. No charge.
August
16
Wife calls. Asks, how is everything? I say everything
ok, come back, but phone goes dead. Go to neighbor, call
Bezek, they say I didn't pay bill. I say bill paid automatically
through the bank. They say, uh-oh, Branch 914? I say, yup.
They say, tsk-tsk, another one. Phone line restored, Bezek
doesn't charge. Bank does.
August
17, 1:30 a.m.
Pizza arrives. But didn't order.
August
19
Car won't stop. Cop sees me doing 140. Brakes failed,
I say. Car goes to Yoram, I go to jail. Yoram posts bail.
August
20
Postcard arrives. From wife. From San Francisco.
August
21
New leak. I put up house for sale.
August
23
Food in freezer runs out. Starting to miss wife.
Finish off the corn flakes for supper. 6 days to go and
1 yogurt, half a salami, green halla and Meow-Mix left.
August
24
2nd plumber calls, invites me to his kid's circumcision.
I go, eat.
August
25
Sleep in late.
August
26
Still asleep.
August
27
Wake up. Famished. Need cake. Watch TV. Nap. Turn
on stereo real loud. Speakers blow. What the hell.
August
28
Barbara comes by with flowers. How nice. I invite
her in, wink at her, start to perspire. Idiot, she says,
they're not for you, they're for your wife. My wife? Yeah,
she says, did you forget she's coming home tomorrow? Now
I'm really sweating. My wife! Tomorrow! Sweep the
house and hose down where the plumbers tracked in
mud. Change underwear. Shampoo the cat. Empty ashtrays and
shake the beer cans out of the rug. Cement over the avocado.
Spray deodorant all over house to get rid of the smell.
Almost forget the dishes. Buy new plants. Ask neighbor where
to throw garbage out. Put toilet seat down.
August
29
Wife and kids return. Kids don't remember me. But
wife does. Asks if I had a good time. I say, oh yeah, helluva
time. She says, great, cuz she's going back for the High
Holidays. Without the kids.
