4/7/97

Forgotten Moments in American-Israeli Relations

July 4, 1776: America proclaims independence. Israel fails to recognize the new nation, which prompts James W. Sullivan, "The Father of American Antisemitism," to tell George G. Washington: "Told you so."

November 27, 1838: An Israeli, Avner Yomaim, invents baseball. It is a dismal failure, possibly because he devised baserunning from left to right.

May 31, 1847: The first American pioneers arrive to settle in Palestine. It is a difficult life. The poverty, the disease, the bad coffee. Within a week, the leader of the group, Jonathan E. Feldman, calls a press conference. Reading from a prepared statement, he says: "I don't have to take this, y'know. Like, it's hard enough being a Jew without all these mosquitoes everywhere. I didn't leave America to be treated like this. You call this espresso? Gimme a break."

April 12, 1861: American Civil War begins. Three days later, Yerachmiel Yichus of Tiberias is sent to begin a peace process.

October 20, 1875: Reform Jews in Cincinnati inaugurate the Hebrew Union College. The news hits Mea Shearim the following day. Rabbi Shloimeh Shokl, representing the Haredi Association of Mea Shearim (HAMS), is quoted as saying: "Feh."

June 22, 1887: The first Jewish city, Tel Aviv, is proposed. But the idea is shelved until an American Jew can be found to donate a plaque.

January 24, 1917: The Birnbaum Declaration states that American Jews favor "the establishment in Palestine of air-conditioned hotels for the Jewish People..." The notion is believed to have inspired the Balfour Declaration, with minor changes.

December 8, 1930: The Depression ravages America. Palestine offers economic aid.

October 6, 1947: Yossl B. Flanken, an anti-Zionist Satmar rabbi from Flatbush, shocks his followers by coming out in favor of the UN partition plan for Palestine. Turns out it was a misunderstanding. "Oy," he says the next day in shul, "I thought it meant separate seating for men and women."

May 15, 1948: America recognizes Israel.

May 16, 1948: Israel recognizes America.

September 9, 1948: Marcus T. Spencer, campaigning for the presidency, promises to move the American Embassy to Jerusalem. Jewish voters boycott him, pointing out that the capital of Israel is Tel Aviv.

July 8, 1949: The first El Al flight from New York. Dinner is a boiled egg, cabbage and poached udder. The passengers complain. Stewardess Shulamith Shmatteh snarls: "You don't like the food? Next time, fly on Yom Kippur."

October 23, 1949: Operation Magic Carpet inspires Baltimore businessman Gabriel A. Schissel, who immediately orders one for his den.

August 30, 1950: Jerome W. Zweig of Detroit comes to Israel for the first time. Says he'd like to settle here, but first he has to go back and finish his education.

February 15, 1951: A Seattle barber, Harry R. "Mr. Harry" Glockenspiel, offers David Ben-Gurion a free haircut if the Israelis are willing to fly him to Jerusalem and put him up for two weeks. It is a reasonable offer, Mr. Harry explains: "Have you seen that man's hair? It'll take a week and a half just to comb out the tangles."

October 22, 1951: John F. Kennedy visits Israel. David Ben-Gurion's wife Paula has him over for coffee. "You know," she says, "with a bit of work, you could look Jewish."

May 9, 1952: Yochi Bustanai of Ashkelon says he's fed up with paying taxes and instigates the Bustanai Tea Party, throwing a box of Wissotzky's into the sea. The authorities are unmoved.

June 24, 1954: Jerome W. Zweig gets his degree. However, he says he can't make aliya just yet, until he's earned some money.

April 29, 1955: The IRS tries to collect income tax from the State of Israel, unless it can prove it is a charitable organization, which it does.

August 6, 1956: Rock 'n' Roll comes to Israel. Mechel Koch-Leffel, a Haifa accountant, says to his wife Raya: "Kids these days. Next thing you know they'll be eating hamburgers."

September 30, 1958: Jerome W. Zweig, still passionately committed to living in his ancient homeland, spends all his money on a green Studebaker.

February 8, 1959: The first-ever Israel Food Week takes America by storm. Shoppers flock to supermarkets from coast to coast, snapping up Tnuva cottage cheese, Tnuva yogurt and Tnuva chickens -- in a choice of three sizes. 

March 9, 1959: Jerome W. Zweig marries. His wife says she rather live in the Ozarks than in Israel. Jerome, proving his undying commitment to the Jewish State, buys a $100 Israel Bond.

August 20, 1966: The first TV broadcast in Israel. More than 500 hard-core American Zionists promptly make aliya, explaining it was heretofore impossible to realize the 2,000-year Jewish dream of national redemption if it meant giving up ג€œGilligan's Island.ג€

December 18, 1966: Irv I. Lev, a wealthy Denver fat renderer, makes the deal of his life when he acquires a coin found in the Bar Kochba dig. Turns out to be a fake. It is not, however, worthless: it is one of the newly-introduced asimonim, and is worth exactly one local phone call. But not in Denver.

January 3, 1967: J.J. J. Braithwaite, fashion consultant for the White House, is despatched to Jerusalem to teach the prime minister how to wear a necktie. After four days Braithwaite reports back that he has failed. He blames it on the Jews for being stiff-necked. A diplomatic crisis is averted when a White House aide points out that women, of whom Golda Meir is one, don't wear ties. 

June 8, 1967: The wall dividing Jerusalem is pulled down. Gitl C. and George I. Cohen-Cohen of Portland, Oregon, are enraged, because they'd spent thousands to put a plaque on it. They sue.

June 10, 1967: Six Day War ends. Rabbi Aaron Aa. Aaronson of the Beth Midler Synagogue in Great Neck points out to his congregation the hand of God at work. "Six days you shall work," quoth the rabbi, citing sources, "and on the seventh day you shall rest." Solly M. "Yakky" Yakubovitch, a notorious back-pew wiseass, whispers to his buddy Sonny M. "Yukky" Yakubovitch (no relation), "Before the next war, I hope to God the Israelis institute a five-day work week."

June 11, 1967: Nine American Jews announce plans to establish a settlement on the West Bank. Eighty-five percent of Americans think it's a wonderful idea.

January 16, 1968: Gitl C. and George I. Cohen-Cohen magnanimously offer to drop the charges if the Jerusalem Municipality accepts a compromise: to affix, at its own expense, a plaque in their name on "the other wall, you know, the Wailing one." It takes city officials three weeks to draft a diplomatic response.

March 30, 1968: Jerome W. Zweig delays his aliya one more time. Says he has to pay off the mortgage, put the kids through school, earn more money and convince his wife. Buys a $100 Bond.

July 21, 1969: Americans land on the Moon. However, they are upstaged by Menachem Mechanem, an Ashdod pilot, who on the same day lands his private plane in Jordan. 

April 27, 1973: Richard Nixon proclaims himself the best friend Israel ever had. The Arabs are thrilled.

July 4, 1976: It's the American Bicentennial, but no one notices because that day, the Israelis stage the Entebbe rescue. American public support for Israel immediately drops 13%.

April 3, 1979: Bernie C. Zweig, 19, visits Israel for the first time. Loves it. Says he wants to stay. His father, Jerome W., asks Bernie if he's lost his mind, it's dangerous over there. Orders him home immediately, promises him a new Corvette. But buys a $100 Bond.

August 14, 1991: McDonald's comes to Israel. Israel offers McDavid's in exchange. America declines.

March 22, 1994: The Jewish population of Israel surpasses that of America for the first time as Marlene P. Berger-Gerber makes aliya from Los Angeles.

April 3, 1994: Marlene P. Berger-Gerber, unable to find a good hairdresser in Israel, invokes the Law of Return, goes back to Los Angeles.

February 10, 1997: President Clinton, frustrated that Syria and Israel won't make peace, says he can't understand the problem. Analyzing the situation, he says: "Take America and Canada, for example..."

April 21, 1997: Jerome W. Zweig makes aliya at age 68, achieving his lifelong dream: to die in Israel.

July 4, 1997: The prime minister of Israel, wary of antagonizing the haredim, wishes the United States of America a happy 29th of Sivan.