14/1/00

Never A Dull Century

Every hundred years humanity looks back, looks forward,and wonders: What'll they think of next?

Some of our older readers might remember the last time a new century began. Like people every 100 years before, they mistakenly thought they were "modern." But the Messiah still hadn't come, so they weren't.

I suspected the times were a-changin' in the past as well, so I took a look through a book I have called ג€œThe Timetables of Historyג€ to see how life progressed every 100 years. But history* can be so blah, so I extrapolated a bit, to imagine** how things really*** were...

(* bold type;  ** Roman type; *** see below at "1500")

100 AD -- The Roman Empire reaches its greatest extent, yet mysteriously, tax collection is down. Roman officials eventually trace the problem to widespread confusion due to the fact that all the tax forms give space for only two digits under "Year."

-- The world celebrates the 100th anniversary of the first positive year in history. But not the Jews. Pointing out that they had already reached 3860 in calendar tabulation, the Jews claim this marks the 100th year since the goyim learned how to count. The Jews can't understand why all of a sudden the goyim hate them.

-- Romans mark 50 years since they began using soap, which they learned from the Gauls. Abstinent monks refuse to touch the stuff, calling it a "typical fad of turn-of-the-century secular modernists."

200 -- The fourth period of Chinese literature commences, but the writers can't think of anything to write about. Fortuitously, days later, they are inspired when silkworms are introduced to China. 

-- Neo-Hebrew is formed.  A young couple puts it to use immediately, ordering a set of silk sheets.

-- The Huns invade Afghanistan. No one can figure out why.

300 -- It is a great year for God. Christianity is introduced in Armenia, Buddhism becomes influential in China, and bowling becomes a religious ritual in German monasteries. It would be a long time before Armenian Buddhists begin bowling.

400 -- The first definite records of Japanese history.

-- Theodosius forbids the Olympic Games.

-- Which is why there are no records of Japanese medal winners at this Olympics.

500 -- Literature flourishes. Dracontius of Carthage had just written a 2,327-hexameter religious poem in Latin, which even his mother never bothered to read; a Macedonian named Stobaios issues an anthology of Greek literature; Aristainetos writes his renowned letter vividly describing life in Alexandria; and Oizer the Moan, "the Father of Jewish Hypochondria," documents all known aches and pains.

600 -- Italy replaces the monetary system with barter, which Jewish persecutionists interpret as a way to stick it to Jewish bankers.

-- Pope Gregory introduces picture books for illiterates to replace the Bible.  Old-fashioned Christians grumble that "religion ain't what it was in the good ol' 500s."

-- The same year, Pope Gregory strives for the peaceful conversion of Jews. The Jews are uncooperative; it is the last time the Christians will ask nicely.

700 -- The Psalms are translated into Anglo-Saxon. It is the first step toward Reform Judaism.

-- Population explosion in China. The Jews are blamed.

800 -- Irish travelers reach Iceland, and immediately invent the frozen potato.

900 -- Farces make their first appearance. Edward the Elder, king of England, is not amused.

-- Paper is manufactured in Cairo. Most Egyptians agree it's just a 900's fad, and it won't last.

1000 -- Leif Ericson discovers America. But he lands in Canada, looks around, finds nothing there, and goes back.

-- The year's best-sellers are Beowulf, The Pillow Book and Diary of a May-Fly. Critics go wild. "Mark my words," says one, "these books will still be read a thousand years from now."

-- Indian mathematician Sridhara recognizes the importance of the zero. Indians trying to get rid of their overdrafts recognize the importance of Sridhara.

-- Widespread fear of the end of the world, which seems to happen every thousand years, but back in 1000 the fear was justified because that same year ...

-- The Chinese perfect their invention of gunpowder.

1100 -- Decline of Islamic science begins. The reason: it was already 1100, and everything had already been invented.

-- Baldwin I crowned king of Jerusalem. So why isn't there a street named after him?

1200 -- Cymbals introduced as a musical instrument. The neighbors complain about the noise.

-- Alcohol is being used for medical purposes. And not only.

-- Engagement rings come into fashion. You're considered a 12th century fuddy-duddy if you don't have one.

-- Development of Jewish cabalistic philosophy in southern Europe is used to prove that antisemitism does not exist. At least, not on other planets.

1300 -- Urine examination used in medicine as a means of diagnosis. For the first time, doctors can scientifically prove that a patient had a full bladder.

-- The moa, a giant New Zealand bird, becomes extinct. The Jews are blamed.

-- Venice and Genoa mark the 44th year of their Hundred Years War, which would last 125 years. Venician and Genoan politicians respectively promise their citizens "a peace process this century, probably."

1400 -- France and England mark the 63rd year of their Hundred Years War, which would last only 116 years, the shortest Hundred Years War in history. French and English politicians respectively promise their citizens "a peace process this century, or at worst, the next, probably."

-- Johann Gutenberg, then four years old, draws a picture and shows it to his mommy. She tells him, "Wouldn't it be nice if someone made a machine that could print copies of this, so that everyone could tape it to their refrigerators?" Which was a strange thing to say, because tape was not yet invented.

-- The Alt-Neu ("Old-New") Synagogue is built in Prague. The name is chosen because half the Jews proclaimed they were fed up with the old shul, and half said they wouldn't attend a new shul.

1500 -- Aldus of Venice invents italics. A wild debate ensues among Jews about whether Hebrew italics should lean to the left or the right.

-- Columbus is arrested. He tells the authorities, "But I didn't know you need a visa." (It is the first recorded use of italics.)

-- First black-lead pencils used in England. They prove unpopular until the sharpener is invented.

-- First recorded Caesarean operation performed on a living woman by Swiss pig gelder Jakob Nufer. This infuriates feminists, the Pig Gelders Union, animal-rights activists and the Jews. Rabbis decree that the child may not marry a Jew, on the off chance that, between handling the pigs and the infant, Nufer forgot to wash his hands.

-- First manufacture of faience (in Faenza) and majolica (in Majorca) and gizmos (in Gimzo).

-- Card games gain great popularity all over Europe. People view it as a way to pass the time until Scrabble is created.

1600 -- Wigs become fashionable. But Orthodox Jewish women continue to grow their own hair, saying, "What, we should look like the shikses?"

-- Dutch opticians invent the telescope, and within days, the moon is discovered.

-- German astronomer Johann Kepler writes "De admirabili proportione coelestium orbium," which in English means "In admiration of the celestial proportions of orbaum."

1700 -- Peter the Great decrees that New Year in Russia will begin on January 1 instead of September 1. The reason is, it was August 30, and he hadn't yet been invited to a New Year's Eve party.

-- There is a tax on beards in Russia. The Jews know why.

-- Unmarried women taxed in Berlin. 

-- Unmarried bearded women taxed double.

1800 -- New York City population reaches 60,000, of which 900,000 are Jews.

-- William Herschel discovers existence of infrared solar rays, promoted as a great bar mitzva gift.

-- Alessandro Volta produces electricity from cell: first battery of zinc and copper plates. It's a commercial flop, because no one can think of a use for it.

-- Alessandro Volta invents the first battery-operated toy.

-- Alessandro Volta originates the phrase "Batteries not included."

-- Ottawa founded. Nobody cares.

-- J.J. Lalande catalogues 47,390 stars. Society columnists vote him "The Most Boring Man To Invite To A Party."

1900 -- The 20th century, most notable for the advent of group therapy, begins. Scholars predict "nothing much will happen over the next 100 years," pointing out that "all of history has already been written."

-- Freud writes "The Interpretation of Dreams." Society columnists vote him "The Most Embarrassing Man To Invite To A Party."

-- American scientist R.A. Fessenden transmits human speech via radio waves, which is dumb, because there aren't any radios yet so no one hears him.

-- German Civil Law Code comes into force. It is believed to be good for the Jews, but as we now know, nothing ever is.

2000 -- The world as we know it ends.

  -- Except that David Levy is still the foreign minister.