27/12/96

Forgotten Moments in Political History

April 12, 4091 BCE: Eve doublecrosses Adam by negotiating with the snake, and the nation's first political deal is made.

October 4, 3141 BCE: Moses gets the people to follow him by making all kinds of fantastic promises, saying that God is on his side, and the nation's first religious party is born.

December 22, 3133 BCE: Korach becomes the first opposition leader, winning many adherents when he creates a Golden Calf. His popularity in the polls sinks when he is subsequently swallowed up by the earth.

September 9, 1909: Kalman Kalfi invents the four-year term of office. He would go on to explain in his autobiography ("My Influence on Politics, Vol. I, II and III"; Reading Station Publishers Ltd, 1949) that "I fervently believed three years were [too] few," but "five [were] too many," and "anyway, what with a leap year every fourth [year], it's not as if four years [is] (sic) exactly four years, so what does it really matter?" The renowned political scientist Oz points out that Kalfi's equation has peripheral symmetry: "You will notice," he writes, "and this is no coincidence, that it takes exactly four years to clean up all the banners, posters, stickers and flyers from one election campaign before the start of the next. If Kalfi had devised, say, a three year and seven month term of office, the overlap of campaign literature covering the countryside would be, dare I say, confusing."

March 4, 1944: David Levy's barber is born.

May 15, 1948: The state is created, and there are as yet no elected politicians. The people are very happy.

January 2, 1950: Moe E. Bloom launches his political career. Targeting the new immigrants festering in ma'abarot, he promises that everyone will have a home computer within 50 years. 

July 27, 1952: Yoni Bardugo announces he wants to be prime minister because he wants to serve his country. Everyone thinks that's very cute, because Yoni is 2 years old and those are his first words.

March 22, 1954: Menachem Begin makes minced meat of David Ben-Gurion in a televised debate. Sadly, no one in Israel has a television yet.

August 6, 1955: Five-year-old Yoni Bardugo, attempting to join Labor's Youth Guard, lies about his age and is accepted. He pledges to serve his country, and means it.

December 20, 1956: A 6-year-old boy named Binyamin Netanyahu is miffed at not being chosen for a pickup soccer game. He shakes a finger at the neighborhood kids, saying: "Some day I'll be prime minister and then you'll all be sorry."

August 3, 1958: Ya'akov "Yakky" Yakubovitch, the greatest gerrymanderer in Israeli history, shakes off laryngitis to set a new record. His speech, titled "What's Wrong With Israel Today," is cut short by Rosh Hashana.

July 7, 1961: Transport Minister Dubie "Dudu" Schwartz submits the stupidest bill in Knesset history: to alleviate traffic congestion he proposes that all oncoming lanes should be reserved for buses and trucks only. His bill is solidly defeated because, as one MK says, "What traffic?"

November 25, 1962: the only day on record in which not a single politician had anything to say. The following day, 88 MKs deny they had nothing to say, and another 14 complain they were not quoted out of context.

February 14, 1964: Yosef Blintz is appointed health minister. But he wanted to be housing minister. He throws a tantrum, and threatens to quit unless he gets his way. It is a historic first, as the prime minister lets him quit. Blintz is never heard from again.

November 21, 1965: Yoni Bardugo, a passionately political 15-year-old, clinches the 58th spot in the Labor list, by campaigning for the need for young people to serve their country.

January 27, 1968: A bill that would require at least 100 MKs to be present to vote for any bill is voted on. It passes, 6-3.

November 30, 1972: Golda Meir buys a new hat. It is black.

December 10, 1974: Yoni Bardugo, number 38 on the Labor list, wins a seat in the Knesset for the first time. His is a refreshing new voice on the political scene: he wins admirers with his pledge to serve.

September 30, 1975: Duncan Ostrovsky makes aliya from Melbourne, and immediately announces his candidacy as a write-in presidential nominee. But his Australian-accented Hebrew is incomprehensible; at a rally the next day, 72 percent of passersby think he is selling radishes, 16 percent believe he is praying, 11 percent think he is making fun of Jews and 1 percent believe him to be the Messiah and say they would vote for him. (As no one can understand him, there is a 100 percent margin of error.)

September 3, 1977: Samuel Flatto-Sharon, attempting to stave off deportation orders to face criminal charges in France, wins a Knesset seat with a promise to pay anyone who votes for him. He gets 11,493 votes.

September 4, 1977: 83,303 people swear they voted for Flatto-Sharon and demand payment. Flatto-Sharon is disgusted and says: "What kind of country is this?" 

July 30, 1985: Goldie Fish, longtime resident of the Glickstein Very Old Age Home in Holon, reads a campaign advertisement in the newspaper. It says: "Put your X where it counts." Mrs. Fish snaps into action: she runs outside, jumps into a cab and demands to be taken to the nearest Scrabble club.

June 15, 1987: The Knesset members vote themselves a salary increase, the fifth in the last six years. In the next election, they will pay the price as two conscientious objectors decline to vote.

January 9, 1988: Oy Va Voy, a Taiwanese toy maker, gets an order to manufacture 30,000 shiny tin trinkets. His partner, Lo Yu Man, rolls his eyes and says: "Must be an Israeli election coming up."

August 23, 1988: Yitzhak Shamir becomes the country's first prime minister without portfolio. 

March 24, 1994: Finance Minister Yoni Bardugo is found guilty of breach of trust, embezzlement, bribery and theft. He is sentenced to serve two years.

February 11, 1995: Gomer Gross of Moshav Pchaw signs a lucrative contract with the Likud for his performing frog, Moshe. Moshe, sporting an adorable frog-sized sandwich board bearing the likeness of the Likud leader, is trained to hop and say "Bibi. Bibi. Bibi. Bibi."

May 29, 1996: In the closest election to date, Efraim Zimbalist of Omer breaks a tie with his vote just as the polls close, and Likud defeats Labor 2,080,391 to 2,080,390. Half the country blames Zimbalist for Labor's election loss.

May 30, 1996: Donna Orbaum wins an election among her fellow kindergarteners. She is only 5 years old, but has already won more elections than Shimon Peres has in 50 years. 

May 30, 1996: The wife of a former prime minister holds a press conference to blame everybody for everything, and says she feels like leaving the country because the party she voted for didn't win. She succeeds where all politicians have failed: she unites the country, as 98.6 percent of Israelis agree she should leave.

June 4, 1996: The Association to Rehabilitate Ex-Convict Knesset Members invites Natan Sharansky to join. He declines.