3/7/98

Dear Avi,

Finally, an advice column for Israeli men.

Dear Avi,

    I got this wife. She thinks she can talk whenever she wants. Well, she can't. Sometimes she opens a mouth and out comes opinions. How can I make her stop without ending up in jail?  -- Pukka Pukka in Petah Tikva

Dear Pukka Pukka,

    Are you a man or what? If you're a leftist -- and you sure sound like one -- you deserve what you got. If not, you should be ashamed of yourself. Next time she opens a mouth, fill it with hot pepper sauce. Trust me, it works.

Dear Avi,

    I'm 13 years old. I already had my bar mitzva, but I don't seem to be a man yet, if you know what I mean. I don't want to be the last virgin in my class, if you know what I mean. But the thing is, I'm embarrassed for a girl to see my you know what, if you know what I mean. The other guys in my class say I should kill myself. I'm not so sure. -- Pitzkele

Dear Pitzkele,

    I know what you mean. You're obviously a homo. Either kill yourself or join Meretz. Same thing.

Dear Avi,

    I finished the army, spent a year in the Himalayas, now it's time to settle down. I want to go to university, but my father wants me to be a partner in his business. Avi, I really don't want to be stuck behind a basta selling radishes in the shuk for the rest of my life. My father says it's my choice, but depending on how I choose he'll either buy me a BMW or beat the crap out of me. What should I do? -- Basta Blues

Dear BB,

    It boils down to this: either you go to school by bus all black and blue, or you drive like a big shot in a fancy car picking up beautiful broads all over the place and make an easy tax-free fortune by doing nothing more than hollering "radishes, yalla, radishes." It all depends if you want to be respected or not.

Dear Avi,

    My neighbors are the noisiest people in the country. He's always yelling at her, she's always shrieking at him, the TV's on day and night full blast, even when the radio's on. On top of all that, the kid plays disco music loud enough to drown out everything else; he's into heavy bass. Their dog barks non-stop. They have more visitors than the Israel Museum, all of them bellowing outside the window because no one could possibly hear the doorbell. Oh, I forgot to mention: he's a building contractor, and he's renovating his apartment, using power tools, day and night. They even laugh loud! What can I do to save my sanity? -- Going Deaf in Holon

Dear Prissy Complainer,

    So what's the problem?

Dear Avi,

    I must be an idiot for writing to your stupid column, but I gotta ask you this: who's dumber, our cabbies or our cops? -- Anonymous

Dear Shimon Ben-Lulu, 22 Yosef Street, Holon,

    My friends in the force and the fleet all agree -- you are an idiot, for giving me your name and address.

Dear Avi,

    I'm an American, and I have a serious problem: my daughter wants to marry a Moroccan. A Moroccan! What should I do? -- Depressed

Dear Depressed,

    Go back to America.

Dear Avi,

    I met this real motek on a beach, and the sex is great, ya'ani, but she asked that I use a condom. A condom! What am I, a leftist? So I told her I'm allergic to commercial condoms, they cause swelling. Now she insists. What should I do? -- Gever in Gedera

Dear Gever,

    Use a condom. But make your own. Out of aluminum foil. That'll show her.

Dear Avi,

    Last Saturday I went to the Kotel, I prayed and prayed, and then I went to the game, and Betar lost. Does this prove there is no God? -- Disillusioned Jew

Dear Jew,

    Yes. 

Dear Avi,

    Nobody respects me. Everyone laughs at me. They talk about me behind my back. And I'm never invited anywhere. It's obvious they're just jealous, but I want to be liked. What should I do? -- Anonymous

Dear David Levy,

    Instead of sulking all the time, you could try telling David Levy jokes. I've always found that a great way to win popularity.

Dear Avi,

    Something's got to be done about the way people drive in this country! I'm a taxi driver, and I'll tell you, Avi, it's murder out there. Little old savtas pissing along at the speed limit. Hell, I park at the speed limit. Self-righteous leftists -- you can always tell 'em by their bumper stickers -- clogging up the roads. Traffic lights everywhere. Laws, laws, laws. Laws for everything, laws against everything else. Don't they realize how much faster we could drive if there were no laws? And all those damn buses: you know how hard it is to make a six-lane U-turn with a bus in every lane? There oughta be a law. (If you ask me, Avi, every taxi should be equipped with a siren and a flashing red roof light.) And then there's the condition of the roads: every time I go over a crack in the road my meter breaks down. I can't take it anymore. What should I do? -- Rehovot Roadrunner

Dear RR,

    Only one thing to do. Get a new job -- driving an ambulance.

Dear Avi,

    I know it sounds weird, but I'm perfectly content to stay home while my wife goes out to work. I actually like cooking and cleaning. I enjoy doing sponja, shopping, dishwashing. I'm one of the lucky few fathers who gets to raise his own children! The experience has made me a flag-waving feminist. Avi, please tell all your readers it's no great shame to be a... -- Happy Househusband

Dear Great Shame,

    I think I know you. You're the nut from Apartment 8 next door to my house. My wife tells me she heard a rumor you gave birth to all those kids. She says you once knocked on our door, wearing an apron and asking for eggs. If you got no betzim that's your problem, don't come bothering us. You want my advice? Seek help. Not a psychiatrist. A mover.

Dear Avi,

    I'm married to a wonderful woman who takes care of my every need. I'm married to another woman who bears sons for me two and three at a time. I'm married to a third woman who will be the most beautiful woman in my village when she grows up. They are all my cousins, as is my fourth wife, who is from a wealthy family. Problem is, I want to convert to Judaism. Do you think the rabbis will let me keep all my wives, or will my harem scare 'em? -- Wifeful in Wadi Fukin

Dear Fukin Wifeful,

    I can assure you, the rabbis will welcome your wives with open arms, so to speak -- providing they shave their heads, keep Shabbat and kashrut, practice family purity and become so religious that they all divorce you because you're a bigamist.

Dear Avi,

    I've never told anybody this, but I'd like to escape Mea Shearim and, with God's help, embrace Reform Judaism. Problem is, I'm a prominent rabbi, I've got 13 kids and no money, and frankly, I'm afraid that even just writing this will cost me my place in Heaven, God forbid. But I'm dying to take off this farshtunkineh shtreimel and, God willing, put on one of those snazzy satin skullcaps they wear. For the love of God, I'm determined to do this. -- Bummed Out Haredi

Dear Haredi,

    God damn it all, go for it.

Dear Avi,

    You know why this country is such a mess? Because you men are in charge. Give us women four years of power, a full-term, femocratic Knessette, and we'll be living in a veritable Garden of Eden. Trust me. -- A Babe Bibi

Dear Babe,

    We men were living in a veritable Garden of Eden, till some dumb broad said "Trust me."