But Seriously

9/12/94

Mission Implausible

Motl addressed the group. ג€˜You, my friends, are the ultimate in the annals of fact-finding: humanityג€™s first fact-finding-finding mission!ג€™

It was a turning point in the history of the State of Israel when the El Al plane touched down, and the 148 members of the Flatbush Fact Finding Tour disembarked. The Prime Minister was anxious to hear that they'd landed safely. The President had canceled a state visit to an unnamed Arab country when the mission was confirmed. The Jewish People were praying for their success. There were wild protests in Damascus. The shekel shot up. The Hilton was booked solid.

Those 148 Jews from Flatbush were carefully selected for this critical mission: they were each a Committed Jew. A Committed Jew is a person who donates $50,000 to Israel. That makes him a partner in the First Jewish State In Two Thousand Years.

Sheldon and Maureen Bernstein had to cancel a garden party for the Temple Sisterhood to come and check out their partnership. Irving Weisenheimer came to plant trees and plaques in the name of his cherished wife Lily. Wesley and Portia Schwartz came because the Jewish People needed them, but mainly to induct their son Dirk into manhood at the Western Wall. Constance Yakubovitch came to find a husband. Rabbi Jeff Baldwin of the Mazel Tov Temple came to save Judaism at this time of crisis, and because he got a free ticket from his flock in honor of his 36th birthday. Libby Leibovitch came because, nebich, she was lonely. (By the end of this historic mission, Libby and Irving would be sharing a hotel room and wondering how to tell their kids.)

Their group leader, Motl Weingarten, addressed them on the tarmac of the first Jewish international airport in 2,000 years. "Fellow Committed Jews," he said, "Welcome to the Land of our Forefathers. The world is watching us on our vital mission, just as they watched the birth of the state in 1948, and the return to Zion of our holy Jerusalem in 1967, and the 1976 rescue at Entebbe that was made into a movie starring Yul Brynner. Today, in 1994, we are marching into a new era. Lunch will be served in 20 minutes."

The 148 fact finders were ushered to the airport terminal by Yigal Hishtachavu, an official from the Fundraising Ministry. "You can call me Yigal," he said in a thick, authentic accent.

Wesley Schwartz stepped up to the ministry man and extended a hand. "Shalom, Yiggle. We're mighty proud to be here. I just want you to know that. Mighty proud." And then he gave the official a $20 bill. "For your favorite charity."

Constance Yakubovitch poked Yigal on the forearm and then recoiled, blushing girlishly. She had never touched a real Israeli before, she explained. "Do you live on a kibbutz?" she asked him, with a queasy gush of charm. No, he said. He edged toward the buffet.

Motl Weingarten, the group leader, called for quiet. "In a few moments, I will reveal the precise nature of this mission. But first, I have gifts for each of you from Prime Minister Rabin." The doors opened and a unit of sexy female soldiers walked in, mingling among the committed Jews, giving each a gold-colored medal depicting a US flag with 50 Stars of David, plus a T-shirt that read "WE LOVE YOU ISRAEL!" There were gasps and squeals of delight, everybody hugged the soldiers as 148 videocameras recorded the moving moment.

"Committed friends!" Motl said dramatically. "I have a message from the Knesset, signed by all 120 members. It reads: 'Shalom to our American partners on this Mitzva Mission. We wish you Mazel in all your endeavors.'" The crowd roared.

Motl continued. "And what is this mission? Why have we come here today? I will tell you. The State of Israel does not need us to greet yet another planeload of Russian immigrants, yet another group of Ethiopian refugees, yet another neighborhood of slum-dwellers.

"We have been brought here, in this moment of destiny, at this time of urgency, to witness the greatest phenomenon in Jewish history, the mightiest migration of committed people of all time. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have come here today to witness the phenomenon of American Jewish missions!

And then the reporters rushed in, and Sheldon began singing Hatikva, and Rabbi Baldwin waved a huge Israeli flag. And Constance watched bitterly as Yigal snuck out.

It was a trip nobody would ever forget. On their second day in the country, they boarded pink-and-purple tour buses and made their way to Ashdod, where they shook hands with the Pittsburgh Golden Agers Appeal. They then swung by Ashkelon, where they danced the hora and ate felafel with the Young Israel of Cleveland Zionist Council, who told them about a new hospital waiting room they had just dedicated. On the road to Jerusalem they passed a busload of campaigners from Okefenokee, another with fundraisers from Crab Apple Cove, and they got stuck behind a convoy from Miami. Back at their hotel, they summitted with Newark, watching their films of Yemenite immigrants at Ben-Gurion.

Day three was a highlight. They met Binyamin Netanyahu as he was leaving the bathroom on the way to a breakfast powwow with the Detroit New Leadership. Constance invited him to lunch but he had to decline as he was already booked with the Biloxi Big Givers' Covenant Convention. Supper? Sorry; Corpus Christi Save the Children of Bat Yam Mission.

Later that afternoon, they were received by the President, who described to them the glorious work Shreveport was doing to irradicate socialism among youth in Kibbutz Na'an. That night, Yitzhak Rabin told them on closed-circuit TV that he had just held high-level talks with a task force from a shul two blocks away from the White House.

At night, after a festive dinner with a real immigrant from Long Island, they bentched and then sang Beatles songs until midnight. Rabbi Baldwin noticed that Libby and Irving were holding hands.

Day four was a Thursday. Dirk was bar mitzvahed and Motl took the day off to open a bank account. The Bernsteins played bridge with the Schwartzes, and Constance engaged the front-desk clerk in a philosophical argument. Most of the mission went downtown to buy menoras and olivewood camels. They got back into their pink-and-purple buses and drove to the airport, where they welcomed the first ever fact-finding tour from Tombstone, Arizona.

Friday the rabbi slept late. He just made the bus for the trip to Masada. But it was a total washout. There was a traffic jam all the way from Ein Bokek, miles of busloads of American Jews out to find facts on the great mountain fortress. Motl figured that if every bus held 50 people who each gave an average of $75,000, then the State of Israel was making $375 million for every 100 buses on this desert road, and surely they could spend a bit to make this a six-lane highway. Wesley countered that with only 50 busloads they could get together and buy the whole damn desert, including the buses and Masada. Portia suggested that maybe this was why it took the Romans three years to conquer the thing.

Montague and Zoe Cohen, who everyone on the mission knew had given $3 million because the Cohens kept talking about it, sat by the pool with Motl and the rabbi and the Buxbaum brothers, Max and Manny, shooting the breeze. Suddenly, they heard a loud bang. "Oh my God, there's a war on!" Max screamed hysterically. Zoe reached for her heart pills. A waiter named Wahab sauntered by and reassured them. "It is nothing, my friends," he said amiably. "Probably only a little Palestinian child being shot by a soldier. More drinks?"

That night, over cream cake and coffee at an army base (the Philadelphia Jewish Women's League For A Kosher Eretz Yisroel had been scheduled, but they were still fleishig and had to cancel), the Flatbush 148 heard first-hand about the need for a strong army. "Sure," said Manny, "so you can blow away little Arab kids behind the Hilton." Everyone shushed him.

Day seven, back into the pink-and-purple buses, and off to Tel Aviv. Observing a Wabash mission putting up plaques in the depressed Hatikva Quarter, Sheldon Bernstein mused that the Israeli poor were less poor than the American poor because of the American-Jewish rich.

The buses stopped for refreshments and everyone piled out. Constance fell in love with the tall, dark and handsome man scooping felafel balls into hot oil and decided to stay. Maureen spotted an old friend getting on the Berkeley Palestine-Israel Tolerance Mission bus. "What are you doing here?" asked Maureen. "Task-forcing. And you?" "Fact-finding." "Small world." Then they hugged and promised to keep in touch.

Day eight: Haifa. At the docks they saw an American immigrant working side-by-side with a Russian immigrant, scraping barnacles off a ship. A hundred videocameras captured the remarkable scene.

The last day. To Caesarea for an unforgettable puppet show put on by Boston-supported Kiryat Gat foster children in the ancient Amphitheater. Maureen sat on some gum and threatened to sue. Dirk announced that he was going to be an Israeli paratrooper when he grew up, but his mother assured him he could better serve Zionism by collecting donations in Flatbush. Sheldon had the runs and didn't look so good; Irving had Libby and looked great.

As they boarded the plane, Manny blew the Jewish State a kiss and said, with a lump in his throat, "Shalom, Israel." Rabbi Jeff made up a special blessing for fundraisers, and Wesley tipped the stewardess $20. They sang Hava Nagila as the plane took off, followed by a rousing rendition of We Are the World. They had a wonderful flight, and arrived safely in America, where they were welcomed off the plane by a task force of Russian-Israeli yordim now driving taxis in New York.