29/6/01

Offshore Investment

It's brilliant: creating island settlements off the west bank of Israel. What could possibly go wrong?

    The first time we heard about this idea of building islands off the coast of Israel, it was a wildly improbable fantasy proposed in theory by foolish dreamers.
    That was when peace with the Palestinians was beyond doubt.
    Then, as sometimes happens with madly ridiculous pipe-dreams (that is, the islands), the politicians denied this thing could ever work, which was the first real indication that it could.
    But the peace process, they said, you could be sure of that, which meant you couldn't.
    By now, peace is a wildly improbable fantasy pursued by foolish dreamers, which is not to say that these islands are a certainty, but the idea has been advanced to the stage where politicians are inquiring if perhaps the islands could be named after them.
    All along, the Arabs have been promising to drive the Jews into the sea, which is why they've been conspicuously unresponsive to this idea: not once has the UN condemned Israel for it. And why should it? The Jews say they're ready to jump.
    Will Israelis leave the mainland and take the plunge, as it were? Sure they will. Jews in the Diaspora developed a certain penchant for migrating westwards, which is why the center of this country didn't empty out when Ben-Gurion invited them to settle the Negev, and they haven't exactly overcrowded the Galilee and Golan, and millions weren't fooled into moving east to the West Bank. 
    Besides, it won't take much to convince Israelis to move to the islands: just point out how much closer they'll be to America. Especially if an airport island is created, which has been proposed: it'll be that much closer to America than Ben-Gurion Airport.
    If the idea catches on, and more of these connected islands are built westward ho, heck, we could one day drive to New York.
    Sure, now that seems like a wildly improbable fantasy, but don't forget, not so long ago we were told that someday, very soon, we'll be able to drive to Amman and shop in Damascus. Well, that day has come and gone, and we can't even get to east Jerusalem.
    We can learn a lot from the experience of other countries that have offshore islands. Holland and Japan made it work, but we're not like the Dutch or the Japanese: a more likely example would be China. It wouldn't take long before Israeli islanders were, like the Taiwanese, proclaiming independence from the mainland.
    Not that it would necessarily be a bad thing. For instance, if one island became exclusively haredi, and another was settled by Meretz supporters, if right-wingers, left-wingers, Betarnikim, America'im, Roosim, Egged employees and, I dunno, kibbutz volunteers from Sweden, each chose to live on their own communally exclusive island, and decided they had nothing in common with anyone else and proclaimed independence -- whoever was left would demand their return? Of course not! We'd have 25 islands, 26 distinctly different Jewish countries, and -- well, I was about to say "a bloc of 26 votes in the UN," forgetting for a moment who we're talking about here.
    Yes, the Palestinians would say the islands are Palestinian land, but so what. (In a sense they'd have a point, because their garbage would contribute to the landfill.) Mind you, there's no reason they couldn't also have their own communally exclusive island. One that floats.  
    The "Palestinian Problem" would become a whole new kettle of fish, because at first, they'd gleefully (by your leave) take over what we've abandoned on the mainland, and then -- too late -- realize what we were up to all along: getting rid of them for good. Because with several dozen new islands displacing an equal amount of water, the result -- if there is, in fact, a God -- is that Palestine would end up down there with Atlantis.
    And the Jews will have thrown the sea onto the Arabs.
    That's not as ridiculous as it seems, because it was done once already, long ago, by Noah. And if you don't believe that stuff in the Bible really happened, well, you're wrong.
    A brilliant but wildly improbable fantasy proposed in theory in 1994 by a foolish dreamer (me) would initiate an island environment without the necessity of hiring moving companies equipped with pontoons. All we have to do is retake the security zone in Lebanon up to the Litani River, which links by river to the Kinneret, which connects to the Dead Sea by the Jordan River, which, if we flood the river beds from the Dead to the Gulf of Akaba, and reconquer the Sinai, gets us right back to the Mediterranean at Suez, and just like that, the Island of Israel is born. 
    I wish I could report progress on that idea, but recent trends have been most unpromising: we surrendered the Sinai and the security zone de facto, and the Dead Sea and Jordan River de probablo, and we're drying out the Kinneret de stupido. Scientists who took this plan seriously have shelved it "indefinitely, until the Moshiach comes."
    In Israeli parlance, "when the Moshiah comes" means "never," while "it'll never happen" means "bet on it." Thus, the offshore islands idea is worth further study.  
    Care must be taken not to use the wrong materials, such as sand. Desert islands we don't need.
    The Palestinians, as mentioned, have not objected, but they will after Israel has already spent the first billion on it, at which time it will be too late to simply abandon the idea.
    The environmentalists will go berserk, because building the islands will disrupt the natural habitat of the green-finned Bismarck herring, or something. But the project will in fact be environmentally advantageous, because not only will it provide a perfect place to relocate the national trash, so much will be needed that Israelis will be urged to create as much garbage as possible. That will prove to be no problem.
    The haredim will go berserk, because bones will be found on the seabed, which they will say are the remains of ancient Jewish fishermen, though they might in fact be the remains of green-finned Bismarck herrings.  Besides, they will point out, it would take a miracle, and nothing less, for the Jewish people to traverse the sea to dry land (and it wouldn't be the first time). The seculars will scoff and say, what, are we supposed to sit around on our duffs and wait for God to do everything, even though He hasn't lifted a finger for thousands of years?, and the haredim will answer, "Yes."
    Shas will threaten to quit the government.
    The islands will be built, they will leak, and the prime minister will be blamed.  
    After billions of shekels are spent to build them, and thousands of Israelis go forth to settle the sea, the entire idea will become a colossal failure when two Arabs with guns lay siege to the access bridge, and the government, mindful of the terrorists' civil rights and not wanting to upset the rest of the world, will admit the (disputed) islands (we didn't know the islands were disputed until the Palestinians said they were) cannot be protected and everyone who doesn't want to get shot should move back to the mainland.
    But don't worry, the government will say, because we're going to start a peace process with the Palestinians to decide whose islands they are.