27/10/95
The
National Census and
the Jewish Question
To
whom would you rather reveal your most
intimate personal data? The
government
PERSONAL
DATA:
Name:
o Levy o Cohen o Other
Address
(indicate how much you paid for your apartment) $_______
Pelephone
No.: _______
Place
of birth: o Wawa o Walla Walla o Ouagadougou
o Kalamazoo o Okefenokee o Oshkosh o
Goolagong o St. Louis de Ha! Ha! o Titicaca
o Pukapuka
Sex:
o Middlesex o Wadi Fukin o Ofakim o
Dildo, Newfoundland
o
Come-by-Chance, Newfoundland o Peking o Wanking
o Kissimmee
o
Intercourse, Pennsylvania o Virgin Islands
Marital
status: o Single (explain why) o Harried
o None of your business
Children:
o 0-1 o 2-10 o 11+ (explain why)
Ethnic
roots: o Ashkenazi or Sephardi o Litvish o
Poilish o Essene
o
Dutch convert o Octoroon
EDUCATION:
I
learned everything I know from:
o
Yeshiva
o
MTV
o
The Israeli school system and bus ads
Average
annual cost of free education: (in thousands) _________
How
much of your income tax goes to build yeshivot? (in thousands)
__________
How
much does the average Israeli child learn in a school
day? (in iotas) ___
Why
doesn't the Education Ministry do something about
it?
o They don't care o I don't care o
What do you care?
INCOME:
You
make a living?
o
I get by
o
If you call this a living
o
I'm not Rothschild but I don't starve either
o
In this country only people who make a killing make a
living
o
Kibinimat
EMPLOYMENT:
Are
you a prime minister? o Yes o No
ARMY
SERVICE:
In
which branch of the military did you serve?
o
The IDF o The shabab o The haredim
How
many wars did you fight in? o 1-2 o 3-5
o 6+
On
whose side? o Ours o Theirs
Ever
kill anybody? o Yes o No
Bet
you were a real hero o Yes o No
What
do you mean, ג€do I want to see your war wound?ג€ o Yes
o No
But
do you have to take off all your clothes? o Yes,
I got it in the tusik
Oooh,
does it still hurt? o Not when you touch it like that
Hey,
are you trying to get me into bed? o Only if it would
help the census
POLITICS:
Affiliation:
o
Hate the left
o
Hate the right
o
Hate the Arabs
o
Self-hating Jew
o
All of the above
Who
did you vote for in the last election?
o
The Monarchy Party
o
Other
Are
you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist
Party? o Yes o No
Are
you, or have you ever been, a member of a kibbutz? o Yes
o No
Are
you, or have you ever been, circumcised? o Yes o No
Where? _________
Would
you prefer Shimon Peres as prime minister of Israel,
or
Bibi Netanyahu as president of the United States?
o
Peres o Netanyahu o Other
Yasser
shaves every ninth day, except on Shabbos in a leap year.
Shimon gets a trim on Mondays, while Yitzhak can get away
with a haircut every other month. If Shimon pays NIS 25
for his trim but has to pay extra for the hairspray while
Yasser gets his shave for free and Yitzhak pays a third
of the difference less 15 percent, which of the three
is most likely to kiss Hafez Assad on the lips?
If
the Left were right and the Right were left out, would
it be right for the Right to be left out outright and
right to write off the Left right off?
o
Write o Right o Riot
RELIGION:
Religious
persuasion:
o
Pants tucked in white socks
o
Pants tucked in black socks
o
Shorts and sandals, no socks
{"}
Peyot
n
Shtreimel
@
Knitted kipa
o
Knitted shtreimel
o
Keffiyeh
o
Fez
Which
shul do you attend? _______
Which
shul do you not attend? _______
Do
you really believe God hears your prayers? o Yes
o No o Im yirtza Hashem
What
is the extent of your religious observance?
o
Know the Torah by heart
o
Know what the Torah is
o
Live by the 613 mitzvot
o
Live by the 10 Commandments
o
Live on 4,000 a month
Religious
beliefs:
o
Believe in God (indicate how many): o 0-1 o more than
1
o
Believe in God only when Betar Jerusalem wins
o
Believe in the Moshiach: o Schneerson o Other
o
Believe that Aryeh Deri is a victim of Ashkenazi oppression
MISCELLANEOUS:
Where
is the last place you'd want this information to end up?
o
The Shin Bet o The Interior Ministry o The
Rabbanut o The Income Tax Authority
o
For sale to the public on a compact disk
Don't
you hate when people answer a question with a question?
o Doesn't everybody?
Who's
to blame for the baseball strike? o Players o Owners
o Rabin
Who's
a Jew? o Who's to say?
Where
were you when Kennedy was shot?
o
In the Texas Schoolbook Depository o Elsewhere
Do
you play Scrabble? ooooooo
RESULTS OF THE CENSUS
Population breakdown:
Leftists:
2,553,164
Rightists:
2,553,164
No
opinion:
0
Phony
blondes: 143,295
Golfers:
20
Messiahs:
4,296
David
Cohens: 328,339
John
Smiths:
1
Haim
Yavins:
1
Yordim:
0
_________________________
Total:
5,106,328
