7/11/97

The Canada-IsraelCultural Exchange

Try to imagine 'Popolitika' on the CBC ג€“ and 'Front Page Challenge' on Israel TV.

    To understand the American psyche, watch a Western. For the British, a turgid soap opera would probably do it. The Israelis?
    ג€œPopolitika:ג€
    "Good evening. Tonight, we address the question: 'Is ...'"
    "I think that"
    "Let him"
    "I'm"
    "Yossi, let me say"
    "You're an idiot, an idiot I say, if you"
    "Friends! Friends!"
    "But"
    "If you don't mind me saying, I"
    "I mind, you right-wing sonofa"
    "Dudu, you don't have to"
    "I think all rabbis should"
    "Y'see, I told you he's an antisem"
    "I"
    "There's"
    "There is not"
    "I disagr"
    "Friends!"
    "The prime minis"
    "He's a stupid id"
    "The prime min"
    "What do you know about the pr"
    "Haim, let him say what he"
    "The prime"
    "He didn't let me"
    "The pri"
    "Nu!"
    "They're a bunch of"
    "The p"
    "Homosexuals have a right to"
    "So! You're a homosexu"
    "And you're a"
    "Friends, let's"
    "You're a haredi fa"
    "Yael, you shouldn't"
    "A haredi fascist extor"
    "I"
    "Fascist extortionist stone-thro"
    "The prime"
    "Shut"
    "Stone-throwing primitive funda"  
    "Go back to Moro"
    "Fundamentalist anti-Nazi neo-Zio"      
    "Bibi is"
    "I mean neo-N"
    "Go back to Pol"
    "Anti-Zio"
    "Yer mother is"
    "Friends!"
    "Let me"
    "Ya crazy?"
    "I"
    "We have to"
    "I"
    "Have to wind up tonight's"
    "You f"
    "Tonight'sshowbewithusnextweek."
    "Idiot"
    "Sonofa"
    "Lunatic"
    "Right-wing haredi-lover"
    "Left-wing homo-lover"
    "Manyak"

    ... And the program will run an extra 15 minutes because the entire nation is watching, bug-eyed, gripped by the passionate exchange of insightful opinions.
    I, of course, being Israeli, never miss it.
    And of course, being Canadian, I've always wondered what Popolitika would be like if, one evening, the studio and panel were populated exclusively by my native countrymen...

    "I think the Left has a point."
    "You have a point."
    "Thank you."
    "But so does the Right."
    "Granted."
    "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I must disagree."
    "I can respect that."
    "Me too."
   "Ladies, gentlemen, please! Let Doug make his point!"
    "Sorry."
    "Go ahead, Doug."
    "Shh!"
    "I think there's a fundamental difference between the Left and the Right, and we must be prepared to accept that the voters have every right to choose one or the other, and if the majority favors, for argument's sake, the Left over the Right, or alternatively, the Right over the Left, even if the majority is small, the losing minority, disappointed though they may be, must feel darn proud of their country for upholding the democratic process."
    "Hmm."
    "Good point."
    "Would you like a woman's point of view?"
    "Indeed!"
    "Shh!"
    "Women must be prepared to accept that the voters have every right to choose a man or a woman, and if the majority of women favor, for argument's sake, a man over a woman, or alternatively, a woman over a man, even if the majority of women is small, the losing minority, disappointed though they may be, must feel discouraged with their country for upholding the sexist process."
    "I see your point."
    "Ma'am, are you proposing a woman candidate?"
    "I dare say, I am."
    "You can't possibly object, John."
    "No, no, absolutely not, no! Don't get me wrong, no, I would never even suggest that -- Heavens, no, absolutely not!"
    "I think"
    "You know, I believe -- oh, jeez, sorry, Kenneth, please, go ahead."
    "No problem. You go ahead, I've already said more than my share, I'm sure. The viewers would benefit from another point of view."
    "I was going to say, I agree with you. All the way."
    "Me too."
    "Ladies, gentlemen, I'm afraid we'll have to cut short this bracing debate. We'll continue to probe the issue next week. Thank you all for coming tonight."
    "Thank you."
    "Thank you."
    "Thank you."
    "Thank you."
    "Thank you."

    On the other hand, I tried to imagine an Israeli version of ג€œFront Page Challenge,ג€ the grandpappy of Canadian news-feature shows. In ג€œFPC,ג€, a panel has a couple of minutes to guess, "Twenty Questions" style, the identity and claim to fame of a hidden guest who might be currently newsworthy or obscure and long forgotten...

    "OK, panel, you have three minutes. Yalla."
    "Did you serve in Sinai?"
    "No."
    "The Golan?"
    "Yes."
    "Are you Moroccan?"
    "Yes."
    "Did you vote for Shas?"
    "No."
    "You sure?"
    "Yes."
    "You have anything against Deri?"
    "No."
    "You voted Likud then."
    "Yes."
    "You trust Bibi?"
    "Uh, yes."
    "After all he's done to destroy the country?"
    "Yes."
    "Want to sell your car?"
    "No."
    "Your wife's car?"
    "No."
    "You live across the street from Rosenzweig, no?"
    "No."
    "You have an account at Hapoalim?"
    "That's right."
    "Didn't we meet in Turkey last summer when that fat guy, I think his name was Buxboim, had to be taken to hospital for sunstroke, and you wanted to change your hotel room because it was far from the elevator and your wife has lumbago so my nephew agreed to switch if you paid him 100 shekels?"
    "No."
    "You sure?"
    "Yes."
    "He also had an account at Hapoalim. Are you bald?"
    "Yes."
    "Is your name Cohen?"
    "Yes."
    "Aha! You're Zerubavel Cohen, first person to cross the Negev on snowshoes!"
    "No."
    "That narrows it down. You must be Cohen the contractor who renovated Golda's kitchen when she became prime minister, it was a big scandal because she paid you out of the budget and didn't ask for a discount."
    "Yes."
    "Well done, panel!"

        On the third hand, if "But Seriously" were a Canadian newspaper column, what would I ever write about?