3/11/00

Joe Lieberman's Spin Rabbi

Other politicians have their 'spin doctors.'
None of them are on a mission from God.

    "Allo, Yosef?"
    "I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong number."
    "Tell Yosef to come to the phone immediately."
    "Sir, this is the Lieberman residence, I don't think --"
    "Yeah, Yosef Lieberman, the Jew from America! Tell him it's the rabbi from Israel."
    "Oh, but yes, sir! Which rabbi shall I say is calling?"
    "Yosef."
    "Yosef -- I mean, Joe will want to know who you are, sir."
    "Nu? Yosef! Rabbi Yosef! Don't you read the papers?"
    Joe Lieberman was not out of pajamas yet, but this was three days before the elections, so it wasn't too early to start the day -- even if it was four in the morning.
    He took the phone, scratched his stubble, and yawned mightily. "Uhh. Lieberman here. Wha ... Who ..."
    "Ovadia Yosef here. Get a pencil. I want you to write all this down, because I'm going to help you win the elections. You hear me? Allo!"
    But Lieberman was snoozing. He'd had a rough week. (He didn't know it yet, but it wasn't about to get any better.)
    The rabbi was not accustomed to hearing snoring when he spoke. He knew what to do. He started one of his famous sermons, and Lieberman woke up -- and fast.  "Sorry," he said, "I must have been dreaming. For a minute there, I thought you said you were going to help me win the elections."
    "That's correct. To begin with, do you have $2?"
    "Uh, I don't keep cash in my pajamas, but I think I can come up with it. Why?"
    "For a hair from my beard. You know -- for good luck. Kick in another $4 and I'll send you an amulet personally kissed by Rabbi Kadourie. For sure you'll win."
    "I see. Well, thank you for calling."
    "Lieberman, I'm on a mission from God."
    "So were the Blues Brothers. Look, we do things a little differently in America. Over here, politics are -- well, political. And religion is strictly religious. So I don't know what you can --"
    "And you call yourself an Orthodox Jew! You think it's enough to show up in synagogue wearing the right color tie? The Holy One, Blessed Be He has his ways, and if he decides you lose, you lose. I know these things, because I'm a rabbi. And besides, how would it look if I went over to Bush, and he went on TV holding a hair from the beard of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef?"

WHAT'S A candidate to do? Lieberman promised to send the money.
    "Good. I will arrange for a miracle. Prepare your victory speech."
    "Rabbi, if I can believe the latest polls, it won't take a miracle. All I have to do is keep smiling for three more days, and we're in like Flynn."
    "In like Peres, more like," Ovadia said ominously. Lieberman swallowed hard. "And that's another thing," the rabbi said. "You smile too much. Jewish politicians don't smile, it makes people think everything is good, which is bad."
    "This is America. Even Nixon smiled."
    "Nu? That's proof. Write this down: No smiling. You have an image problem, top to bottom, and we only have three days to fix that. If you want the Orthodox vote you mustn't look so Reform. How long would it take to grow a beard?"
    "A what?!"
    "Never mind. First thing in the morning I'll send you one of my hats. It's a start. Black clothes, Lieberman, a black hat, don't shave, and no smiling. You're writing this down?"
    "And nobody'll vote for me but the hassidim and the Amish. Did Bush put you on to me?"
    "Look, never mind the Torah, read a dollar bill. 'In God We Trust,' right?"
    "Doesn't say anything about trusting rabbis."
    "Lieberman, I'm working overtime for you, it's late night where I am, can we get on with this? Good. I'm going to need you to build yeshivas all over America, create a school system, close down those Reform churches, and stop working on Shabbat."
    "I don't work on Shabbat."
    "I mean the whole country."
    "This is mad!"
    "Funny, that's what they say here too. You'll get used to it."
    "You're forgetting, rabbi, I won't have such powers; I'm only going to be vice president."
    "With God's will."
    "With God's will, of course. The point is, you should be barking up Al Gore's tree, not mine. And good luck to you if you think he'll go for any of this."
    "Precisely why I'm speaking to you, not him. The goyim don't understand from such things. Come to think of it, a lot of Jews don't either. But we're fixing that. When you become president --"
    "You mean vice president, with God's help."
    "No, I mean president, with my help. You think you win the election and that's it? I don't waste my time on just the number two guy. I need you to be in charge."
    "Wait. Let me write this down. 'President Lieberman.' I'll add it to my official agenda later this morning. But there's a problem: American presidents don't take orders from rabbis, so you'd have to talk to my vice president, and there's a good chance he won't be so Jewish."
    "Excuse me? Do you know who I am?"
    "I'm beginning to wonder." It wasn't like Joe Lieberman to talk to anyone in this manner, much less a venerable rabbi (at that, a rabbi who runs a country considered a strategic ally). But it's not unusual for a candidate on the eve of a national election who's been called at 4 a.m. by Ovadia Yosef to lose his composure.

    "I WILL TELL you," the Israeli rabbi told the American senator, "how to become president. It's a formula I've had a lot of success with. To begin with, as soon as you win the election, say you're quitting the government."
    "Say I -- what?!"
    "You need a reason, but nothing big. Announce you're going to quit because the White House wouldn't buy you a new chair. What, they're not going to give in?"
    "So, I say I'm quitting, but --"
    "-- But you don't quit. Of course not. The next thing, try to be put in charge of as much as possible."
    "Hmm. And then?"
    "Say you're quitting the government."
    "Again?"
    "Yes. Blame it on the gentiles. Say you're being persecuted, that everyone's an antisemite, no one gives you any respect, you're treated like dirt, and it's all because you're from an ethnic minority."
    "Should I steal too?"
    "Not funny."
    "Sorry, this I'm not writing down."
    "I'm telling you, it works. Everybody then apologizes. You say OK, everything is forgiven, and then you say you're quitting the government. Why? Why not. Think of something; they won't let you be part of the peace process, or they won't let your nephew run the Pentagon, or because there's restaurants serving pork in an Orthodox neighborhood."
    "By 'Orthodox neighborhood' you mean..."
    "... New York, of course. Then you say you're going to quit the government unless they stop cars from driving in New York on Shabbat. They won't let you quit, I promise. And if they do, in no time they'll be bribing you back, because you'll be threatening to join the other side. Once in a while you do join the other side, and then come back, then go back, which will keep you in power for the rest of your life."
    "And you get away with this stuff in Israel? I thought it was a modern, progressive, tolerant, enlightened democracy."
    "It's not."
    "Oh."
    "You wouldn't believe what we pull off here. We almost brought down the government because a truck towed a generator on Shabbat. It was front-page news here for weeks. Politics is funny that way."
    "Not in America. Here we have a Constitution."
    "So get rid of it. Say you'll quit the government unless --"
    "The Constitution!!"
    "Give them the Torah instead."
    "Rabbi, I really must be going now. Y'know, with the elections coming up, I'm a busy man. But I want to thank you. I've learned a lot. I can say, in all honesty, my outlook has changed completely."
    "Naturally."
    "Indeed. Now I can sympathize with the Palestinians."