18/12/98

L'etat c'est moi

The greatest challenge facing this government is making David Levy happy.

    "Mr. Prime Minister, Levy's here to see you."
    Binyamin Netanyahu smiled. "Thanks. Send him in. It's about time we had the curtains cleaned."
    "Uh, sir, it's not Levy the cleaner; it's Levy the minister. You know..."
    "Yitzhak?"
    "No. David."
    Netanyahu groaned. "Oh, that Levy. Tell him I'm out." He really wasn't in the mood, and he was hoping to knock off early and take the kids to a movie, and --
    On the other hand, if he wasn't in, he just knew Levy would invite himself in, settle into the prime ministerial chair and peek into his drawer. Someday, the PM said to himself, I'm gonna kiss that man right on his fat lips, and see if that doesn't get rid of him for good.
    Sure enough, the door swung open. "Binyamin! They said you were out."
    "I was. On the window ledge. They said you were here."
    Levy immediately threatened to quit the government. But he knew that Netanyahu knew that he needed him (and vice versa), and Netanyahu knew that Levy knew that he couldn't let him do that (and the other way around).
    "OK, what do you want?" the national leader said.
    Levy immediately rescinded his threat to quit the government. "It's a matter of urgent policy. It's about my cousin, Yitzhak Levy."
    "The minister?!"
    "No. My cousin Yitzhak cleans curtains. Curtains and carpets. You're supposed to be the prime minister, Binyamin, did you know he also cleans carpets? If you didn't know, I'll have to quit the government, because clearly you have no idea what's going on in your own office, and if you did know, I'll have to quit the government, because I'm not getting the support I deserve, and my voters would demand I join the opposition if I -- Binyamin, are you paying attention?!"
    "Intently. The government will fall, we could lose everything, the future of the State of Israel may be imperiled and a Palestinian state would be created on the sacred ground of our forefathers because -- correct me if I'm wrong -- cousin Yitzhak isn't shampooing the carpets?"
    "Precisely."
    "It sounds like one of those David Levy jokes. Y'know: 'David Levy goes to see the prime minister, and --"
    "A joke? You call this a joke? A poor businessman from a distressed development town full of unemployed, disenchanted, disenfranchised, disillusioned Moroccan slum-dwellers whose parents festered in your Ashkenazi immigrant camps, can't make an honest living even though he's got the best protektzia in the country as the cousin of David Levy himself -- I mean, myself; he's a symbol of everything that's rotten in this country, the reason all my faithful followers are losing their faith and becoming religious and ending up supporting Shas instead of me, and tell me, who would you rather have running your government, me or them?"
    The PM was getting a headache.
    This, he realized, could go on for 30 years, just as it already had for the past 30 years; somewhere down the line, if only once he had just said 'No'...
    "No," the prime minister said. "No," he said, and didn't quite believe he heard himself say it, so he said it again. "No! No! No! Absolutely, irrevocably, NO!!"
    Levy curled his lips, which usually meant he was going to quit the government.
    Netanyahu frowned, which usually meant he was going to give in.
    They did.
    Levy said he would never, ever speak to Netanyahu again, and that was final, he said, though of course it wasn't, because the PM allowed that maybe, just maybe, they could work out some compromise.
    Levy uncurled his lips and promptly rejoined the government. "Compromise?"
    "Now look, I promised the carpet contract to Shas, somebody there's got a son-in-law or something in the business, I forget who, and I really don't think they're going to like me reneging on a coalition promise. So here's what I suggest: does Cousin Yitzhak have any experience running a state corporation, or a ministry, or an embassy, anything like that?"
    "Uh, I don't think so. He cleans curtains. Oh, and also carpets."
    "Never mind. We'll find him something. Start him off as your deputy minister. Give him a secretary, a chauffeur, an office with curtains and carpets he can clean every day if he so wishes. Deal?"
    "And what about his son?"
    His son!
    "His son?" the prime minister asked, and regretted it immediately.
    "Well, of course! Like it says on the truck, 'Levy & Son' -- what, the kid should suddenly be unemployed?"
    "Is he old enough to run the Airport Authority?"
    "He'd be perfect!"
    And so the government was saved.
    Again.

THE FOLLOWING morning, David Levy threatened to quit the government.
    "WHAT?!" the prime minister exploded. He commanded his secretary to summon him on the double.
    "Sorry, sir; can't locate him."
    "Did you call his ministry?"
    "Of course. They grumbled something about 'a ministry without portfolio.' It seems the minister's only a rumor over there."
    "They don't know how lucky they are," Netanyahu muttered.
    "Oh, hold on -- here he is. Are you in?"
    "Damn right I am."
    Levy walked in, sat down and sulked.
    "How's your cousin doing?" Netanyahu asked, as if he cared.
    "Fine."
    "His son?"
    "Fine."
    The PM raised his voice an octave. "Then what is it, man?"
    "The peace process."
    "The -- what?!"
    "I want to be part of it. I want to be in charge. I want to be in the newspapers every day. I want to be important. I'm not important."
    "What are you talking about? Every time you threaten to quit the government, you're on the front pages. With your picture, in color. And every time you decide not to quit the government after all, you're a hero, and you're on the front pages again, and that makes you very, very important. David Levy is a household name!"    
    "Sure. It's because everyone's telling David Levy jokes." He sighed, sulked and curled his lips (this was serious.) "I want to shake Arafat's hand. I want to go to America and shake Clinton's hand. I want to be on CNN. And if you don't let me, I'll ... I'll ..."
    "Don't say it. I know."
    "Do you think all those people voted for me to just sit around, threatening to quit?"
    "I don't know, David -- why did they vote for you?"
    "Well ... because I'm Moroccan. But now I want everyone to vote for me, because I'm a great man, a statesman, a peace maker. I want to win the Nobel Prize. I want --"
    "What you want," Netanyahu said, in the same tone of voice he uses on his youngest son, "is what I've got. And you can't have it. Now, be a good politician and go call a press conference or something. That always makes you happy."
    Levy sputtered: "If my name isn't David Levy, I'll --"
    "OK, relax, I'll make you a deal. Stay in the government, and I'll get you on CNN. I'll pull some strings and arrange for you to shake hands with Arafat, you and Cousin Yitzhak, if you like, and I'll give you my personal photographer for the day. You'll be in all the papers. I'll send you to America for consultations with the president, and you can do anything you like with his hand. If you decided to come back, I'll put you in charge of, I dunno, peace negotations with the Ashkenazim. How's that?"
    "Not enough."
    Not enough! I had an easier time with Arafat, the PM thought.
    Which gave him an idea.
    "You want to be a man of history? A great legend they'll be naming highways after? Go to the Palestinians. Say you'd like to negotiate the peace process -- for them. David! You'll save this country!"