6/1/95

Ministry in Formation

God created earth, water and air for ministries to distribute as they see fit.

    You know what this country really needs? It needs an Information Ministry.
    We had one once. For 25 minutes last week, we had an Information Ministry that, everyone agreed, made this a better society. So what if it would have cost millions? That money will, in any case, just be wasted on spending.
    The moment I heard it was created, I wondered how I’d ever gotten along without it. I couldn’t wait any longer. I called them. 
    "Hi there! Is that the Information Ministry?"
    "So they say."
    "Great! I'd like some information, please: what is the Information Ministry?"
    "Don't know."
    "I see. Well then, who's in charge of coordinating information in the Information Coordination Ministry?"
    "Don't know. Nobody told me."
    "I'm afraid you're not being very helpful."
    "Then why don't you call the Police?"
    "Really, now, I don't think I can have you arrested for aggravated ignorance."
   "No, I mean the Police Ministry. That's where the information minister works. But he's not been there much recently because he's busy with foreign policy, you know."
    "Of course. The main reason for having an Information Ministry these days would be to explain foreign policy."
    "No, no, no. That's precisely the sort of information we're not involved in. Strictly local stuff."
    "Ah, like the media."
    "Absolutely not. We're the last place to go for that. You see, Channel 1 is under the jurisdiction of Communications, which got it from Education and Culture. Channel 2 is part of Economics and Planning, which got it from Communications. Education has Educational TV, Communications has Israel Radio, Defense runs Army Radio, and the authority for local radio is run by both Communications and Economics. However, the weather reports are handled by the Transport Ministry, except in cases where the forecast calls for an earthquake, which would be part of the Energy portfolio."
    "Naturally."
    "No, nature is something else entirely. The Nature Reserves Authority is under Agriculture, while National Parks is Environment. That's if you want to protect nature. If you want to kill it, Agriculture takes care of the Wildlife Protection Authority, which gives out hunting licenses."
    "Wow. Seems like everything in this country is political."
    "Yup. Everything. God may have created earth, water and air, but He also gave us Ministers. The minister of housing has authority over the Lands Authority, but the Lands Administration is administered by the minister of agriculture who, amphibiously, also owns the water. The minister of environment provides us with the air we breathe, except when it's polluted, which is then the health minister's."
    "That's insane!"
    "Look, mister, nothing just happens. Everything exists only if it's portfolioed. You know what time it is? Look at your watch: it is that time, at precisely this moment, because the Interior Ministry says it is that time, because it is responsible for setting the clocks forward for summertime."
    "And don't tell me the very same ministry is responsible for setting the clocks back again for wintertime."
    "Actually, no, Religious Affairs decides that."
    "Impossible! What does time have to do with religion?"
    "What does sewage?"
    "You're not going to tell me sewage is Religious Affairs!"
    "Obviously you don't read the papers. Sewage should be Infrastructure but Interior has it. Interior is run by Shas. Shas is not even in the government, but the government is pretending it is. Interior is being held open for when Shas decides to stop punishing the government by sitting with the Opposition, but by that time it may be an even further wait because the ministry may still have to be held in trust until its minister gets out of prison. While Shas's only real interest in government is religious affairs, it adores sewage because it's heavily budgeted. And if you think all those billions ticketed for sewage go right down the sewer, then you don't understand the first thing about religious politics."
    "But -- but if the government were to give sewage to a loyal partner, the coalition would be stronger and the public would be grateful that somebody is finally running the Interior Ministry. After all, Shas is sitting both in the opposition and in deep dirty water in the courts, so obviously no fair-minded voter would --"
    "-- Obviously not. Shas would scream religious persecution, which would cost Labor the next election which would end the peace process. Never, never underestimate the importance of sewage to the Zionist cause."  
    "So it's good for the Jews if Shas keeps a grip on our national toilets. And, good for the Palestinians."
    "Now, wait a minute. I was talking about sewage. Toilets are a different kettle of fish. Toilets at gas stations, for instance. Nothing to do with the Interior Ministry. That's Environment. Toilets at restaurants belong to Health. But a toilet that's in a restaurant at a gas station is Energy. That's only for water going out. For water coming in, that's Agriculture."
    "That's it. Now I've heard it all."
    "No you haven't. Guess who runs the Israel Oil Refineries."
    "Let's see: uh ... the Finance Ministry!"
    "Wrong. The Energy Ministry."
    "But that makes perfect sense."
    "Yeah, but the Eilat-Ashkelon Oil Pipeline Company -- that's run by the Finance Ministry. Try this one: the Atomic Energy Commission."
    "Tourism."
    "No, the Prime Minister's Office. Now this: geography.
    "Jerusalem Affairs Ministry?"
    "Doesn't exist anymore. Geography is the PM's Office again, though geology is Energy. How about road building."
    "The ambassador to the UN?"
    "Aw, get serious! The answer is -- no, not Transport, but Housing, which runs public works. Who's in charge of immigration?"
    "Immigration Ministry."
    "Correct. But emigration belongs to the Prime Minister's Office which, some would say fittingly, also takes care of Arab affairs."
    "Amazing. Absolutely amazing."
    "It all has its own logic, really."
    "Maybe. Except for one thing. I got all this information from --"
    "-- From the Information Ministry. But that's just coincidence. Really, I can't tell you what we know, because we haven't been told yet. And there's no one to ask because, frankly, we're the ministry we should be asking."
    "Gee, that's rough."
    "Sorry I couldn't be of any help. Hey, could you hold on a moment? There’s a call on another line."
    I waited, proud that I was the first person ever to be put on hold by the Information Ministry.
    “Hello? Yes, thank you for waiting. I, uh, can now provide you with some information about the Information Ministry. I have just been informed that, well, we won’t be formally formed. Yes sir, that’s all the information I have at the moment.”
    “But that’s not possible! The nation won’t stand for it! Are you sure? I mean – just who are you anyway?”
    “Let’s just say I’m an informed source.”