2/6/00

Prime Kid

Someday, our innocent young children will be running this country. Won't things be different.

   First, there was the story of this kid in Rehovot who was appointed the mayor's adviser for children's affairs. Nadav Tiktin, nine years old, just wants to help society. He earns 20 shekels a year. He says he's not doing it for the money. I believe him.
   Then, there was a story about our MKs, who were appointed the prime minister's advisers for adult affairs. They say they just want to help society. They were due to get their annual 6 percent pay raise that would bring their salaries to over 27 thou per month. Society said, hey, what about forgoing the extra loot? The MKs said "phht." None of them will actually say they're not doing it for the money. I wouldn't believe them.
    Mixed in were these other stories: the Netanyahu scandal, the Weizman affair, the Deri (running out of synonyms here) outrage, the Mordechai whatsit, the Rabbi Ovadia allegation, the Lieberman immunity episode, the Hanegbi tsktsk, the Barak bardak, the Kahalani kefuffle -- did I miss anything? -- oh yeah, the criminal investigation of no less than five political parties. And everyone tied in somehow to Nimrodi. Unbelievable, but I believe it all.
    And finally, the doctors' strike.
    You can see what I'm getting at.

THE NATION'S politicians went out on strike, demanding more money. They said they would not show up for work, and Everyone said so what.
    Usually in this country it is Everyone who goes out on strike and the politicians who say so what, but in this case, because it is Everyone who actually pays the politicians' salaries, it appeared that democracy was -- for the first time, really -- deciding what's what, which really angered the politicians, who were saying to each other, who's running this country anyway?
    They said to each other, "Dammit, we're impotent!" (They meant "important," but they were misquoted.) Everyone said ok, let's find out.
    Years later, the politicians announced they were willing to compromise. Everyone said great, we'll start you off at 9.75 an hour, you have to punch a time clock, you get Shabbat off. And we only need five of you.
   The politicians said they'd think about it.
   In any case, all but three of them were in jail, because no one told them that by going on strike, their parliamentary immunity was automatically lifted. (I don't know if that's true, but it helps this story along.)
    Meanwhile, Nadav Tiktin had grown up. He was 12. He was still making 20 shekels a year. He had not yet met Nimrodi.
    Nobody was running the country which, it became clear, was a good thing. But for the universities this was a disaster, because without politicians they had no one to give honorary doctorates of philosophy to, and without that the universities don't get their names in the papers, so why should anyone want to donate money to them?
    There was another bad thing: there were presidents and prime ministers coming here from all over the world, but there was no Israeli leader to meet them at the airport. It became obvious that a politician was needed.
    But at 9.75 an hour, Everyone agreed, the country could not afford a politician. Then Someone said, h-e-e-e-y, wait a minute!
    Nadav Tiktin, Everyone agreed, they could afford.

PRIME MINISTER Nadav Tiktin said he was not doing it for the money, which, at 0.0000000000002 shekels an hour, I believed. And, he added, he would forgo his 6 percent annual pay raise.
    He was one of the few seventh graders with 14 honorary doctorates of philosophy. He had to ask his mother what "philosophy" means.
    The entire national budget was spent on things the country needed, like cinemas. The doctors got more money. The (ichsa!) teachers got less. The teachers went on strike and Nadav said ha!, good riddance.
    There were no longer any children below the poverty level, though many of the parents were.
    One day a report circulated that the IDF was plotting a military takeover. The country would be run by a junta of generals. Nadav said he wasn't worried, pointing out that all along the country had been run by a junta of generals, because half the generals are politicians and half the politicians are generals, and nobody even noticed. Good point, Everyone said.
    Unfortunately, the trappings of power got to the kid.
    Nimrodi called.
    Let's do lunch, he said.
    Burger King? Nadav asked hopefully.
    You got it, Nimrodi said.
    Yippee, the young prime minister said.
    Nadav couldn't believe his luck. He was even allowed to order extra French fries.
    Under the table, Nimrodi slipped him a family-size bag of Bisli, felafel-flavored, Nadav's favorite.
    Word got out. Everyone was scandalized, because by law, that Bisli belonged to the State.
    But it was my birthday, Nadav said, and by law any kid is allowed to receive a birthday present from a friend. An investigation was launched. It turned out, he was lying.
    Then it was discovered that Nimrodi's son had somehow become the president of Israel, at the going rate for national presidents.
    Nadav, it was also discovered, had stolen petty cash from his school's office to build a "really neat" treehouse, had paid a contractor with state funds to build it, and got it painted for free by a friend whose nephew was found to be running the Electric Corporation. An investigation was launched.
   Nadav, on a state visit to Disneyland, was unavailable for comment.
   When he returned, he announced that whoever said bad things about him was "stupid" and should be "killed by God." An investigation was launched.
    How is a little boy supposed to run a great big country when all these investigators keep asking him "dumb" questions?, he demanded.
    He was working a lot harder, and things like Crembo cost more now, he said. So he raised his salary 6 percent. The stock market plummeted.
    He was caught riding his bicycle on Shabbat, and Shas immediately threatened to quit the government. What do I care, Nadav responded with a one-shoulder shrug, Shas isn't even in the government. Shas said it didn't matter, quitting governments was what Shas did.
    Then, a girl from his grade seven class called a press conference. Nadav, she said, had goosed her during recess. Three other girls quickly stepped forward and said that they, too, had been goosed by Nadav, one of them adding that she had been "felt up" as well. Nadav's father spanked him. Nadav, citing new laws against corporal punishment, launched an investigation, and his father was thrown in jail.
    It goes without saying that the peace process was nothing doing. Assad's son (it seemed to happen there too) called Nadav a "bully," a "mishkafuffy," and a "sissy." Arafat's daughter, still too young too speak, was unavailable for comment.
    Unrest grew, and there were calls for Nadav to quit. "Quit?!" he said. "I'm having fun and I should quit?!"
    The Right said he was destroying the country. Incredibly, the Left said the same thing. However, kids said he was "cool."
    But after four terms he was no longer a kid, and he began to see that adults deserved a say in public affairs as well. Nadav retired, leaving younger, more energetic children to run the country. Saying he just wanted to help society, he offered himself the position of adviser for adult affairs, said he was flattered, and, at 27,000 per month, graciously accepted.
    Promptly, Nimrodi called to congratulate him. Within days, the politician strike was settled, and Mr. Tiktin was released for good behavior, which Everyone agreed seemed like protektzia, and an investigation was launched. Fortunately, Nadav's son was a Supreme Court judge, so what could Anyone say?