20/11/98

SJF Seeks JPM *

 (* Single Jewish female seeks Jewish prime minister. You can guess the rest...)

    The lady was impatient. "Can I see the prime minister, please."
    The immigration official smiled. "But you've only just made aliya. You're not even out of the airport yet. I'd say give it a few days before you get into politics."
    "But I really think he'd like to see me," she pressed on.
    Sheesh. Another nut, thought the official. That was about the fourth or fifth today.
    He got out the immigration forms. "Could I have your name, ma'am?"
    "Lewinsky," she said.
    Lewinsky. He scratched his head. Sounds familiar. "Your first name, please?"
    "Monica."
    They took him away on a stretcher.

"SIR!"
    "Not now. For goodness sake, we're in the middle of a cabinet session! Whatever it is, it can wait."
    "Oh, no, it can't."
    Either Arafat had just proclaimed a state, or the Egyptian army was in Eilat, or ... the prime minister became alarmed. "Is it really important?" he asked.
    "A national emergency, sir."
    He got the news.
    "Can't be," he said, trembling. "This is a sovereign nation. A democracy, goddamit, and no one has the right to -- are you sure she said 'Monica Lewinsky'?"
    "Affirmative, sir."
    The Israeli leader, perspiring uncontrollably now, had to decide what to do -- and fast.
    "Get my wife on the line," he barked. "No! Whatever you do, don't tell my wife. Get me the president -- no, not Weizman! Bill! But first, close the borders, we must stop this ... what am I saying, she's already here; I need ... where's my bodyguard? Order me 10 more! No, hold it, that's not going to help, she infiltra -- LOCK THE DOORS!!"
    The cabinet, meanwhile, was utterly silent, if you can imagine that. Two words raced through everyone's mind.
    Coup d'etat.
    Spy satellites were locked in on her. She was in a white “taxi special” rocketing along at 130 kph on Route 1, taking dead aim for...
    "Jerusalem, sir! She's on a sou'-by-southeast course, and there's nothing we can do to stop her!"
    "Somebody do something! Oh, Lord, this is it, the end, my Watergate!"
    "You mean 'Waterloo,' sir."
    "Thirty-five minutes, eight seconds to impact! Thirty-five minutes, three seconds ..."
    "Oh, God..."
    "Sir, you've got to act now! Evacuate! Save the women and children first!"
    "No! They're safe, it's the men, it's us -- everybody, run!"
    The defense minister threw himself across the doorway. "Nobody panic," he bellowed. "For God's sake, in times of crisis, we must set an example."
    They froze.
    The defense minister, who had fought in four wars, took control. "We have to think this through."
    "Thirty-two minutes, forty-four seconds!"
    "Fact: the only known target is the prime minister himself. So here's the plan. We form a cordon around him. We sacrifice everything to keep him safe. Mr. Prime Minister! Under the table! Now!"
    Everyone scrambled into position.
    "What next?" shrieked the finance minister.
    "The only thing left," said the defense minister in a hushed voice. "Pray."

"SO. YOU are new immigrunt," said Shimon the taxi driver, peeking at his fare in the mirror. "Welcome, welcome. You are from America?"
    Monica Lewinsky was fixing her makeup. "Uh-huh," she said through a pucker as she pasted on her favorite lipstick.
    Shimon took that as a pass. He wondered if ...
    A flashy smile lit up his beady eyes. "You know what we Israelis call a beautiful girl? 'Motek,' we call her. So tell me, motek, why you not like to live in America? Is better there, no?"
    She was now combing her hair, so she could speak easily. "Oh sure, America's a great place. But, y'know, once you've done it all, once you've been to the top, you have to look for, y'know, new challenges, y'know what I mean?"
    Shimon had absolutely no idea. He only knew that she hadn't responded to his first pass. He tried again.
    "You have boyfriend?" he asked brightly.
    Monica Lewinsky burst into tears. "My mascara!" she said, and cried even harder.
    Aw, hell. This was not going to be easy, Shimon realized. Not that he considered giving up.
    "Shimon think you need new boyfriend to make you forget old boyfriend," he said. "A man who is a success, that's what you want now. Shimon a big success, I own this taxi." He waited expectantly, but she did not seem impressed.
    It was time to get more direct.
    "You want to see interesting places in Israel? First I show you where Shimon live."
    "No," said Monica Lewinsky. "First show me where the prime minister lives."

    THE CHIEF rabbi had never received an emergency call from the prime minister before. It was a mighty dilemma: should he finish davening mincha first, or interrupt his prayers and put affairs of state first?
    "Hurry, rabbi, they say it's a matter of life and death!"
    That decided it. He ran to the phone.
    "Holy One, Blessed Be He, what has happened?"
    The Prime Minister's Office filled him in. The chief rabbi sank into a chair, shocked. "And you say the entire cabinet prayed? Gevalt, what could be worse?" He asked how he could help.
    "They had an idea, and they think it might just work. According to the Mossad, Monica Lewinsky is suspected of being a Reform Jew. Yes, that's right, rabbi, a Reform Jew."
    "It could start a civil war!" the rabbi gasped.
    "They want to know if she can be put on the next plane out of here, as an undesirable alien."
    "God in Heaven! This is only what we've been asking of the prime minister all these years!"
    "Is that a negative, then?"
    "I'm not sure. Is she a convert?"
    "No."
    "A rabbi, God forbid?"
    "No."
    "Then it's not a negative in that we can still hope for a miracle."

    THERE WAS to be no miracle, but a demonstration instead.
    The feminists got wind.
    Faster than a speeding “taxi special,” a phalanx of hollering women converged on the Knesset, with banners and megaphones and rhyming slogans.
    They blamed the prime minister.
    Monica Lewinsky had not even entered the capital yet, but the women were calling for the prime minister's resignation, because this, they said, proved everything.
    Someone held up a placard with a raunchy drawing of our national leader, along with the words: "A woman PM has nothing to hide!"
    "Would Golda holda?" read another placard, depicting a Superwomanish Monica Lewinsky, followed by: "But she be with Bibi!"
    A third showed the American president as a bovine in heat, with the words "Bill Bull."
    They hanged a male member in effigy.
    And then a woman screamed "she's here!" just as a white Subaru came into view.

IN WASHINGTON, D.C., the president of the United States chuckled.

MONICA LEWINSKY got out of the cab.
    Shimon said that his uncle sat in shul next to the butcher where the prime minister's wife's sister-in-law shopped and trust me, he said, not without a lot of protektzia could she get to meet the prime minister, but she said thanks, I know my way in.
    She lugged her luggage past the cheering women, through the swarm of soldiers, policemen and guards and arrived at the Prime Minister's Office, where she was stopped cold by the receptionist.
    "I'm here to see the prime minister," she announced. "And by the looks of things, I'd say he's expecting me."
    "I'm afraid he's --"
    But Monica Lewinsky was already through the door, past the cordon, and under the table.
    "Hi," she said. "I'm Monica Lewinsky."
    He never had a chance.

IT WAS a world exclusive for the intrepid Jerusalem Post reporter in Los Angeles: an interview with The Mother.
    "She had a normal upbringing. She was a big Zionist. I mean, we had one of those blue JNF boxes in the kitchen, and she used to put 10 percent of her mad money in it, sort of like thanking God that she got home safely after a date.
    "I don't think she planned to destroy the Jewish State, especially not during its 50th birthday and all that. Truth is, I think she lost interest in Israel as she matured -- I mean, look who they had as prime minister. Shamir, Begin, Rabin, Peres. They really weren't her type.
     "Then along comes this guy -- she calls him Bibi, I think it's like a pet name she has for him -- and you could tell something happened, she started shtupping that blue box again.
    "That thing with Bill? No, that was just a fling. She knew what she wanted, and he wasn't it. He's not, y'know, one of us.
    Of course, she wanted a world leader -- what girl wouldn't? -- but her heritage is very important. I wouldn't say she's religious or anything like that, but she promised me one thing: she would only get serious with a Jewish world leader."