11/6/93

So the Prime Minister Shouldn't Sweat

The first day of summer may be just ahead, but for some people, it's already been a stinker.

    "Oy, is it hot," Shulamit said.
    "This you call hot? This is nothing," Ovadia said. "It's only going to get hotter when summer really gets going. It's going to be hell, I tell you."
    Yitzhak didn't think it could get any hotter. "But I remember it wasn't so comfortable back in '77. Now that was hot."
    "Oy, is it hot," Shulamit said. Yossi sighed and nodded.
    Yisrael the waiter couldn't stand to hear any more of it. "Oy, is it hot. Oy, was it cold. When it starts to rain you dance for joy. When it continues to rain you go into a depression. I won't even mention snow."
    Shimon wiped a dribble of sweat from his brow. "It must be 35 in the shade, it's so hot."
    "Damn hamsin."
    "Vey iz mir."
    Arye, damn Arye, didn't seem to mind the heat at all. He seemed to perk up even as everyone else was wilting, melting, farshimelt. Arye put a deck of cards on the table. He grinned broadly so everyone could see his expensive new dentures. "Perfect weather for poker. Yitzhak?"
    "Deal me in," he said eagerly.
    "Avraham?"
    "Only if she doesn't play," said Avraham, jerking a thumb at Shulamit.
    "I'm in," Shulamit said defiantly.
    "Ver geharget," hissed Avraham.
    "Maybe she can be the dummy," suggested Yitzhak.
    "That's not poker, that's bridge," said Shulamit.
    "Oh," said Yitzhak sheepishly.
    Shulamit pushed a tissue down her mottled cleavage to catch a tickling bead of perspiration. "This heat is killing me," she sighed.
    Yisrael poured a lemonade and tsk-tsked. "Any meteorologist can tell you, it's the first sign that summer's coming when Shulamit says 'Oy, is it hot.' Enough about the weather! Can't you think of anything intelligent to talk about?"
    "Like what?"
    "Like, I don't know, like politics, maybe. Anything that will expand your feeble minds." Yisrael liked to talk politics.
    Geula lit up. "You know, I hear the Knesset is air-conditioned."
    "It's so the prime minister shouldn't sweat."
    "You remember 1973? It wasn't even summer anymore, but he was sweating."
    Ariel squashed a mosquito. "I don't know. Everybody said it was so hot then. Me, I stayed cool."
    A sudden breeze swept through, and Shulamit put on a sweater. Binyamin said he thought the weather was breaking, and Shulamit nodded, shivering slightly. But David scoffed.
    "Huh. Look at you," said David, sneering at Binyamin. "It's not even hot now and you're shvitzing. I get prickles just looking at you."
    "Aww, get lost." said Binyamin. David snorted back contemptuously. Yitzhak watched them in amusement. He took a sip from his gin and tonic and shooed a pesky fly. "Hevre, don't get so excited," he said. "Maybe you should go jump in the lake for a spell." In the deep end, he thought to himself.
    Shulamit thought it was a good idea and changed into her swimsuit. Ovadia was aghast. He put down his grape juice, adjusted his sunglasses and wagged a finger at her. "Vamp! Hussy! Shameless trollop! Gad will get you for this." Gad just shrugged His shoulders, but Ovadia didn't notice. He got up, put on his hat and tugged at Arye. "Come on," he barked, "let's go daven."
    "I'll join you," said Yitzhak eagerly. Shulamit was dismayed. She was hoping Yitzhak would tread a little water with her instead, laugh away his woes and submit to the soothing to and fro of the waves. "Come on, Yitzhak, to the buoy and back. I'll give you a head start." And before you could say "Jack Rubinstein," she was off. Everyone hoped for a shark.
    Shulamit splashed about, making waves, and didn't notice the two strangers strolling along the shore. They noticed her.
    "A Jew." said one.
    "But it's Shulamit," protested the other.
    "A Jew," insisted the first. "Any Jew will do."
    Gad just shrugged His shoulders.
    Ovadia was praying.
    Shulamit was laughing. "C'mon in, the water's fine," she beckoned to the strangers.
    "She's crazy," said one.
    "She's Shulamit," said the other.
    The sun beat down hotter still. Yitzhak became a little alarmed. "Maybe we should save her," he said uncertainly.
    "Come on, Arye, deal," said Avraham anxiously.
    Yitzhak swatted at a mosquito and sank into a glumpy depression. "I need a vacation."
    Binyamin reminded him that this was a vacation. "Maybe you've been out in the sun too long."
    "Ach," said Yitzhak. He swatted at Binyamin and just got grumpier.
    Suddenly, to everyone's surprise, Shulamit appeared, wetter and madder than a drenched garbage cat. "Two strangers. Did you see them? They were just walking along, and then comes this fellow wearing green, a fascist, and he takes them away. Just like that! Well, let's do something, let's save them."
    "Shut up, Shulamit," someone said, and everyone else murmured in agreement.
    She sank into a chair. Yisrael poured her another gin and tonic. "Oy," she sighed faintly. It was too hot even to moan.