24/4/98

The First Honest Politician

No one in human history has been as incorruptible as the Knesset's Mr. Clean.

    "Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Israel from coast to coast. Welcome to ‘Unreal Israel.’  This is Amos Harif, coming to you live from the Knesset. We're speaking to Leibel Bililius, a Knesset member with an extraordinary claim to fame: Mr. Bililius has never -- and I mean never -- been in trouble with the law.
    "He has never been in jail or even in court, never been indicted, accused, suspected or even rumored of wrongdoing. Ladies and gentlemen of the public, this man has never even  spoken with anyone who has been indicted, accused, suspected or rumored.
    "Mr. Bililius, all Israel would like to know what, uh, if I may be blunt, what the hell is wrong with you?!"
    "Excuse me?"
    "Come off it, man, no one is so clean. No one in this Knesset, in all of politics, for that matter, no one in all of human history has been as incorruptible as you claim to be."
    "You mean, as I am."
    "How do you do it?"
    "Easy, really: I just follow a few rules."
    "Such as?"
    "The Ten Commandments, the 613 mitzvot plus a few more I made up myself, the laws and regulations governing this nation, the Ethics of our Fathers, Gandhi's Seven Deadly Sins, I've even found some good precepts in the Communist Manifesto, Mao's Little Red Book, Ghaddafi's Little Green Book and ‘Little House on the Prairie’ reruns. And I learned a lot from Chana, my teacher in Grade Two."
    "Amazing."
    "Oh, and one more thing: Bililius's Maxim. Never hire a lawyer."
    "Sir, haven't you ever broken a law by mistake? Even a small law?"
    "I'd rather not answer that."
    "I rather think you have to. The public has a right to know."
    "Oh, dear."
    "Nu?"
    "You must remember, I was on official business then. As an elected official."
    "Tell us! Tell us!"
    "This is so embarrassing. You have to understand, it was cold and rainy, I had the flu and I'd forgotten my galoshes at home, so I was upset, and maybe I wasn't thinking clearly. I had just gotten my paycheck. That day, during my lunch break, I went over to the Harry and Harriet Horowitz Home for Unwanted Orphans, as I do every month, to anonymously donate my share of the accumulated unwarranted salary increases my fellow MKs regularly award themselves. Anyway, I placed a parking card on my car window, indicating I'd arrived at 12:15. How was I to know my watch was running fast? It was 12:13. It was unconscionable, I know. I cheated the law."
    "My, my. And to think you got away with it."
    "I didn't. During my coffee break, I turned myself in."
    "Thank you, MK Leibel Bililius. And now, a word from our sponsors."
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    "If you're still with us, this is Amos Harif, and we're talking to MK Leibel Bililius. Tell me, sir, how did you succeed in politics without, you know, getting dirty?"
    "Not difficult, actually. I won wide party support because of my honesty thing."
    "How so?"
    "They're afraid I'll fink. I've got stuff on everybody, you know, absolutely everybody."
    "Care to elaborate?"
    "Nope."
    "Tell me, sir, what exactly do you do as an MK? You're not on any committees, subcommittees, commissions, they won't even sit with you in the Knesset cafeteria. If I may be blunt, does everyone hate you?"
    "Only everyone with something to hide. Let's face it, Amos, if they let me in on some meeting, and I happen to notice there's new wallpaper in the room where there was perfectly good wallpaper before that didn't have to be replaced, I'm going to find out that some minister's grandson has just opened a wallpaper store, I'll put two and two together and come up with exactly four, which will make me madder'n hell because I am a taxpayer, you know, and I'll figure I've been skunked, and if I don't kick up a stink I'm not being true to our trusting citizens who --"
    "With a crisis every other day in this country, who cares about wallpaper?"
    "For starters, the other wallpaper people."
    "I see."
    "But that's all theoretical. Off the wall, as it were. In fact, I'm working on some really big things right now: a plan to revolutionize our government."
    "Wow. Sounds like a scoop. Tell me more."
    "Do you know how much tax money my colleagues are wasting? Let me put it this way: if my clean-up plan were implemented, this industry of politics would cost the nation 88 percent less."
    "Sure, all we need is 119 other Bililiuses sitting in the Knesset."
    "On the contrary. The first thing I'd do is fire myself. And 99 others like me. Twenty people is all we need to run things. And a secretary."
    "That's revolutionary? There's a shnook in every coffee shop in the country who's come up with that."
    "I know. That's where I got the idea. I figured if that's what the common man thinks, then we have to do it. That's democracy."
    "Maybe on a kibbutz."
    "Look, the point is, law-abiding Israelis are fed up with this country-club gangsterism we call the Knesset. If we keep this up nobody's going to vote."
    "Aw, c'mon, every MK has 10,000 little citizens on strings, bobbing to their promises. Truth is, we like our politicians to be a little crafty. And even if no one votes for anyone, everyone will vote against everyone else, which amounts to the same thing. That's the Israeli Way."
    "Which is why I never vote."
    "You're kidding."
    "Uh-uh. I wouldn't want anyone to think I approve. My vote is my conscience, that's what I always say. Believe me, I wouldn't even vote for my own mother if she ran, because I know her, she'd probably skim off party slush funds to give to the orphans on Hanukka and not even get receipts."
    "She would do that?!"
    "I love her anyway."
    "Mr. Bililius, we have to wrap up here. One last question: Did Deri do it?"
    "Did Deri do it?"
    "That's the question, sir."
    "Deri did it."
    "He did?"
    "Deri did it. Dinitz did it. Olmert did it. Peres did it. Beiga and Arik and Dedi did it. All the Levys and Cohens did it. Dahamshe and Darawshe, Porush and Porat did it. Rabin and Begin and Golda did it. From BG to Bibi, they all did it. It was done, it is being done, it will be done, by everyone, everybody."
    "But not by you..."
    "Wouldn't know how."
    "Thank you Mr. Bililius. Ladies and gentlemen, if you think that's incredible, next week we talk to Dudu Mizrahi, 'The Conscientious Contractor.' Join us then, on ‘Unreal Israel.’ "