6/10/00

Aryeh Deri's Day of Atonement

Yom Kippur is a difficult day for the world's most innocent Jew.

    "... For we are not arrogant and stiff-necked, that we should say before thee O Lord our God, we are righteous and have not sinned; but verily, we have ... uh ... lemme see ... Thou knowest the secrets of eternity and the --"
    "Stop!" commanded a Voice.
    "-- uh, of eternity and the most hidden mysteries of --"
    "Start again, from the beginning!" thundered the Voice.
    The man stopped praying. "Who said that?" he demanded indignantly.
    "I," said the Voice. "God."
    "Big deal. Do you have any idea who you're speaking to?"
    "Prisoner #1111387. Aryeh Deri. Shouldst I prostrate myself before thee, Aryeh?"
    "I was just in the middle of praying to you, as I have done three times a day all my life. Why do you finally come to me only now, here, in prison?"
    "Because you skipped a part, Aryeh."
    "Did not."
    "Art thou accusing me of bearing false witness?" God was not one to break a Commandment, especially not on Yom Kippur. "I am the Lord your God! What thou hast beseeched, I have heard; what thou hast not, I have not. When you pray, Aryeh, thou shalt not edit."
    Aryeh Deri turned back a page, and curtly tapped a finger at the passage he had just muttered. "Look, I said 'we are not arrogant and stiff-necked'; I said 'we are righteous and have not sinned'; I said 'Thou knowest the secrets of --' "
    "Precisely. I knowest. Now start again. And skip thou not words." 
    Deri's mouth went dry, which was unfortunate, considering that he couldn't drink for another 24 1/2 hours. He really hadn't thought anyone would notice if he didn't utter every single word in the prayer book. Mind you, he had never tried that before. He was very good at praying. Which reminded him:
    "Y'know, this is very aggravating. What I don't say, you hear loud and clear. But -- where were you when I prayed night and day, when I needed you? I begged you to hear me, and a hundred thousand Jews joined me, every day for years and years: why didn't you save me?"
    "Now, where hast I heard that before? Ah, yes: it was Moses, I think. I have watched you all these years, Aryeh, and it is funny how thou remindest me of Moses, not to mention Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph; oh, and let us not forget Job. Aryeh Deri, thou art in very fine company!"
    "I was crucified!" Deri blurted.
    "Indeed, him too."  
    "And don't forget Dreyfus. I'm but the latest in a long, illustrious line of martyrs for the Jewish People and their God. And the worst of it is,  I thought you'd see it that way. I was counting on you. This is a real setback."
    Deri was not one to chitchat during prayer time, and with so much still to go through, he was falling behind. He asked the very God he was praying to if perhaps he could now get on with it.
    "Verily," quoth He. "But from the part you left out: 'We have sinned.' "
    "But -- how would it look?!" Deri asked hoarsely. "I'm innocent. There's even a song on the radio that says I'm innocent, which proves it."
    Yet here he was, on the Day of Atonement, and what could he have been doing but atoning? The Holy One, Blessed Be He, pointed out that there are no asterisks to indicate that the righteous, the mitzva-doers and the sinless can skip this part or that. Every Jew alive has what to apologize for.
    "But I'm Aryeh Deri."
    "No less. Now, let us consider these words thou hast omitted."
    "No!"
    "Repeat thou after me: Ashamnu. Bagadnu."
    "It's a lie!"
    "Say it: 'We have robbed. We have spoken basely. We have committed iniquity.' "
    "I built yeshivas! I built synagogues! I convinced even the riffraff to wear fringes!"
    " 'We have wrought unrighteousness. We have been presumptuous. We have done violence.' I can't hear you, Aryeh."
    "The judges lied, the lawyers lied, the Ashkenazim picked on me, Barak screwed me, and Weizman -- what about Weizman, huh? I'm in a prison cell while he's at his villa playing golf or something. I'll bet he's not even in shul tonight, atoning for his sins. Go check on him, maybe he's not even fasting! Maybe he's eating lobster! Why me, Lord, why me?"
    " 'We have forged lies.' I hear you not, Aryeh, why shouldst thou be exempt from beating thy breast like every other Jew, good and bad?  'We have counseled evil. We have spoken falsely.' Aryeh, these confessions were written especially for thou!"
    "Is the Almighty taking their side? I clothe myself as a holy ascetic, just for you! I curl my earlocks, I grow my beard straggly, I wear a black hat: why would I choose to look like this if not to please you? Go to my home, check my mezuzot, they're all of the finest gold and silver -- OK, maybe I had to take a little from the public coffers to buy them, but each one is kosher, I checked them myself. Don't you understand? I'm a good Jew!"
    "'We have scoffed. We have revolted. We have blasphemed.' Why is it that I am saying this, and thou not?"
    "Hah! Scoffed? The hell I have. Revolted, yes, that I have done, I admit it: it was a Jewish revolution. And why did I do it, for me? It was for you! But what's this about blaspheming? Me?! Never, so help me God, I swear."
    "'We have been rebellious. We have acted perversely. We have transgressed.'"
    "And when they tried to shame the Almighty by blaming me, I fought their godless, pork-eating, sexually-deviate system for 10 years, dragging on with endless pain and suffering for only one reason: to protect the sanctity of my cherished God. Didn't you notice me hugging the sacred Torah scroll as they ripped me from my tiny baby, my devout daughters and sons, my pious, modestly-dressed wife, to throw me into this dungeon? And for what? I humbly sacrificed myself in the service of the Holy One, Blessed Be He."
    "'We have persecuted. We have been stiff-necked. We have done wickedly.'"
    "Let me remind you, yesterday I swung a chicken over my head. Doesn't that count for something, O Lord? I expiated my sins -- not that I committed any -- and passed them into that chicken, as is the custom, so why isn't that bird in here instead of me? I want justice!"
    "'We have corrupted ourselves. We have committed abomination. We have gone astray. We have led astray.'"
    "Ridiculous! I led my people into the Knesset. I led my people to the heights of power and pride. I led my people to worship the Holy One, Blessed Be He."
    "Meaning you, or me?"
    "Somebody had to fill the role."
    "Perhaps I have sinned, Aryeh, and I should be praying unto you?"
    "No need, O Lord. I have already forgiven you."
    The Voice of the Almighty was beginning to fade. Aryeh Deri, not noticing any burning bushes in the prison synagogue, opened his prayer book to resume his atonements, or some resemblence thereof. Yom Kippur is a difficult day for the world's most innocent Jew.
    He barely got another word in, when he was interrupted again. "Just one more thing," the Voice said. "You will come to the prayer 'Who By Fire.' That is where a Jew entreats a kinder fate, hoping for a favorable inscription in the Book of Life. Aryeh, take my advice: Don't skip that part."