25/9/98

My Apologies

Have I wronged you in the past year?

    Some years ago my pal Joel -- he's religious, but I don't think I have to apologize for that -- approached me a few days before Yom Kippur. He asked me, as is traditional among the traditional, to forgive him any sins or transgressions he might have done to me. And being a jerk, I teased him, saying "Ha! You have to beg!" He didn't. And he never asked me again. (Not that it matters. Joel never sins or transgresses.)
    Anyway, it got me thinking, which usually happens around Yom Kippur -- not because I'm such a haredi, but because ... well, you know, what if?
    Have I wronged anyone in the past year?
    Have I had a bad thought?
    Did I lie, cheat, steal, murder, covet, take an ineffable Name in vain or take another god before me, even once?
    Am I doomed to hell?
    Not that I believe in any of that stuff, but like I said, just in case, I'd like to beg forgiveness for any uncouth untowardness of the past year, including:

* You remember when I wrote about my wife saying all those dumb things while I was cleaning for Pessah? Truth is, she said some smart things too, but I edited them out.

* And, uh, actually, it might be somewhat inaccurate to say that I cleaned out the house for Pessah. Apparently, I misquoted myself, and the editors failed to catch the error. Sources (my wife) now inform me that what really happened is that I financed the purchase of all the cleaning materiel, and then while the work force (again, my wife), did the actual work,

I cleared out of the house. We apologize for the misunderstanding.

* I didn't vote for Bibi. Yeah, I know, there was no election in the last year, but that's no excuse if you really care about this country.

* That nice new Buick I bought? I cheated on my expense report. Sorry, boss.

* My wife and I could have solved Jerusalem's demographic problem ourselves. With our tendency to have three children every nine months, let's see, that's one child every three months ... uh, times four, multiply by, I dunno, 20 ... we could have had 80 kids which, in a couple of generations, would have doubled the Jewish population.

* I may have said some antisemitic things at times, especially when haredim were lobbing loaded diapers at law enforcers, but for the record I'd like it to be known I have Jewish friends, some of whom may have religious friends. 

* I harbored evil thoughts when I prayed for both Iran and Iraq to acquire the bomb, leading to the inevitable: the Iran-Iraq War III. 

* I cheated once at the Scrabble club.

* And on a Monday crossword puzzle.

* And I once faked an orgasm. But I'm not sure I should even apologize for that, she had it coming.

* I doubted you, Yasser.

* I can't be sure, but I may have ripped off the State of Israel, and all who reside in it, when I claimed my children as a business expense. Well, I write about them sometimes, don't I?

* If I hadn't made aliya, who knows, I might have become prime minister of Canada. Sorry, Canada.

* I committed pollution once in November, when I organized a neighborhood sock-wash, and we used nonbiodegradable laundry powder I picked up cheap from Palestinian black marketeers. 

* I'm ashamed to admit I went to shul once, because I heard they were having a big kiddush. And I peeked into the women's section.

* I sinned against Europe, buying mushrooms grown by settlers.

* I could have prevented a crime, but didn't. I knew the haredim would be chucking chairs at defenseless Reform women worshipers during Shavuot. But reasoning that in this country, this sort of violence against women is politically correct, I stayed at home and watched the badminton quarter-finals.

* To my doctor, Ora. Remember when I promised I'd continue taking those pills until they were all gone? I didn't.

* I wrote some pretty wicked things against Israeli banks. For that I don't apologize.

* Last year I didn't fast on Rosh Hashana.

* I violated the dictum "if ya got nuttin' nice to say, shut up." It happened a couple of times when I wrote about the haredim.

* And the secular.

* The Left.

* The Right.

* Jews.

* Arabs.

* Even, God help me, God.

* Sorry, everybody.

* I don't think I went the mikve all year. I just forgot.

* I wore women's clothes. OK, so it was Purim, but I enjoyed it.

* I wished a pox on Betar Jerusalem, hoping they'd all come down with mononucleosis on the last day of the season.

* I compromised my Zionism by buying President's Choice tea instead of Wissotzky's.

* My children could have had it all, if only I'd listened to my mother. "Listen to your mother," she said, "go invent the personal computer. It'll sell." She may have been right, but it was 1959, I was three years old, and a dumb kid, and when I finally did listen to her, a couple of months ago, it was too late.

* I'd like to beg humble forgiveness from my neighborhood, made up mostly of upwardly mobile Russian immigrants, for my car. It's a disgrace, I know, but I promise I'll take it to the car wash. After the hagim.

* To that nurse I molested from my hospital bed. It was a bad reaction to the medicine, I was hallucinating, I thought you were a different nurse.

* My wife says I should apologize to the feminists, or else. OK, OK, I'm sorry.

* Now I have to apologize to the male chauvinists. Look, guys, you know how it is...

* To our advertisers. If I hadn't been writing so much, there'd be more room for your advertisements.

* You remember that nice story about the Arab family in Haifa? I made it up.

* Just kidding.

* To Michael Jackson. I may have led my children to believe you were unsavory, and I told them they could not put up posters of you in their room. If you will forward a poster, and a million dollars, I will reconsider.

* I have always expected the worst from our politicians, and I've never been disappointed, for which I am sorry.

* I once lusted after Demi Moore while she was still married which, I understand, is punishable by stoning, though under a rabbinical plea-bargaining arrangement I could be forgiven if I make a sizable donation to a yeshiva.

* Apparently, living in Gilo makes me an international war criminal. I do hope the United Nations will see fit to accept my regrets.

* To Joel. After all these years, I can now forgive you.