1/10/93
The
Radical Genesis
Finally,
a version of the Bible you can believe.
In the beginning God created heaven and earth, and an ozone
layer.
And God said: Let there be Light. And the clocks were set
back an hour, and there was Light. He decreed: Let this day be
called Monday. And so it was.
And then there was darkness and then there was not, and
God went back to work. He separated the waters from the land and
called it hootz la'aretz. And He called it a day.
Then were the sun and the stars created. And God saw it
was good, but too quiet, so breath'd life into an abundance of
creatures that creepeth and swimmeth and flyeth and soforth, but
not the dinosaur. God forbid. And some creatures were kosher,
and some were not. And they had sex and were fruitful and multiplied.
And it was Erev Shabbos and God said: Where is everybody?
And nobody answered. From dust He created man in His likeness,
and breath'd breath into him and the man was yclept Adam and he
spake English, but knew not how to cook. So God created Wife.
And she sayeth, What took so long, I have a million things to
do before sunset.
And God said, What a week.
And
Eve said, For Chrissakes, Adam, you ought to be ashamed, put on
some clothes. And he tried to cleave unto her but she had a headache.
And his appetite was large. So sayeth Eve: Have an apple. And
he did. And the Lord threw the Book at him. Then did Adam say:
But she made me do it.
Then they hit the road and he knew her and she begat. Cain
and Abel were begotten and Eve said unto Adam her master, don't
you ever touch me again.
Then Cain was wroth and did Abel in and the Lord said unto
Cain, Where is thy brother? As if he knew not. Then did Cain mock
the Lord's question with a question, saying: What, am I my brother's
keeper? Thus did he invent the Jewish answer. And the Lord was
not amused.
It came to pass that Cain made yerida to the land of Nod.
And he set eyes upon a fair woman over coffee and took her to
be a wife. Then they did become known one to the other and she
begat Enoch who begat Irad who begat Mehuyael who begat Mehuthasel
who begat Lamech who begat the forefathers who begat the Daughters
of the Revolution who begat the Mothers of Invention who begat
the Son of Sam. And that was only one side of the family.
And Methuselah was begot and the people rejoiced and said:
Till a hundred and twenty! And Methuselah showed them, and his
days were nine hundred and sixty nine years. And Guinness saw
that it was good.
And Noah begat Ham and the Lord was strict and said: Noah.
Thou shalt not be makin' bacon.
So Noah bought pitch and built an ark and saw it
was good. And his wife did invite a few couples over. And the
rains fell for forty days and forty nights and the Lord proclaimed:
This be a disaster area. And a dove did take wing from the ark
and saw an olive branch. And then did Noah put up the trissim
of the ark and saw land. And he named this holy place Ark-an'saw.
And it came to pass that the people did conspire to build
up a tower to reach the Heaven and God called the wicked place
New York and did confound the people with a babble of tongues.
Of a sudden, not every person didst speak English.
And Abraham was a Jew. No other Jew before him wast there.
And Abraham did find it hard to be a Jew. The antisemites were
many. Very many. He had problems with his in-laws. And a kosher
butcher there was not. Then God said unto Abraham: Can you find
amongst your midst nine men good and true for a minyan? And there
were none. So he said unto Sarah his wife: Wife, he said: Beget
me a son who wilt beget me a minyan.
Corruption in the land was great. In Sodom and California
was there sin. Such sin you wouldn't believe. And God extended
his terrible wrath. On Lot's wife. And she begat Sodium.
And the border of Canaan was from Sidon unto Gaza, and
from hither to thither did Egged goest. Then was Ishmael born
and all hell done broke loose. For Ishmael begat Ahmed and Mahmud
and Muammar and Nasser and Yasser and Saddam. They were in number
as the sands of the desert. And the wife of Abraham did despise
his seed of another woman and said unto her husband: Thine household
is needy of ethnic cleansing. And Ishmael was cast out. To Gaza
and Jericho first.
And it came to pass that Abraham had two sons. One an Arab.
The other a burnt offering. And Abraham was stiff-necked and bade
his Lord's commandment. And Isaac was given upon the altar. And
the Almighty did say in the nick of time: Just kidding.
Thus Abraham found favor in the eyes of the Lord. And the
Lord was good unto him and said: go, dwell in Beersheba. And Sarah
was wroth for she hateth the heat.
Then Esau did sell Jacob his birthright. He did get a very
good price.
And Esau was troth to Judith. And Isaac was at peace for
he sayeth: She soundeth like a nice Jewish girl. But alas, he
did marry out, for she was of the Shikse tribe.
And Jacob was blessed with hairy arms.
And Jacob did lay eyes upon Rachel at a watering hole,
and he loved her at first sight, and she was like a salary unto
him. For seven years did he toil to earn her hand. And Jacob fulfilled
the contract and he looked to Laban, father of Rachel and
Leah, to make the wedding invitations. Lo, Rachel got one. For
when Laban pulled the veil over Leah's eyes, he pulled the wool
over Jacob's eyes.
In time Jacob begat many famous people; and wrestled with
the idea of changing his name to Israel. And they named a country
after him.
And Joseph was mugged. And the police said unto him, what
did they take? And he answered: My coat. And they said: What color?
And he answered: Blue, green, burgundy, turquoise, orange, pink,
purple. And they inscribed upon their report: Many colors.
And Joseph journeyed to Egypt to see the pyramids. And
there were none. The land was abundant with Arabs so he went to
prison. And Joseph talked his way out and became a minister.
It came to pass that Joseph did reveal himself to his brethren.
And there was rejoicing. And their father Israel was summoned.
And Israel crossed the Suez into Egypt.
And God decreed that the account of his doings be not forgot;
And he said unto all who were begat: thou shalt read my Book in
regular instalments; go ye to shul when the month be September,
and clothe ye in thy finery, and read anew what I hath wrought
for you; And you shall see that it is good. Or else.
NOTE:
In the published version, the text was interspersed with Hebrew
letters following each ג€pג€™sukג€ (sentence), in the style and font
of the Tanach.
