21/5/97

Embassies in the capital? Bad idea

    The year is 2525. Syria rejects negotiations based on Oslo89. The Moshiach's arrival is said to be imminent. The Swiss agree to return the gold to any survivor who comes forward to ask for it. And the US reneges on its offer to move its embassy to Jerusalem.
    Some things never change, and never will, and if I live to be 569 years old, I will still wonder why the world won't accept Jerusalem, or at least the western sector, as this country's capital.
    Forgive the simplicity, but what barrier of ration prevents a friendly foreign country from establishing its mission in undisputed Jewish Jerusalem? Sure, the Arabs will squawk -- they'll have to -- but a few choice diplomatic words, such as "Well, it's their capital, where do you expect us to put the embassy?", will be difficult to refute. And then all the nice countries of the world will quickly fall into line and follow precedent.
    Of course they will.
    International diplomacy is not exactly a free-thinking discipline. It suffers from a herd mentality: when one moos, they all moo. Alright, then: maybe all that's needed is to tweak a teat to get one of them mooing.
    Which is why I'm offering this suggestion, free of charge, as a public service to the global village: first, do what's right by Israel, by moving all your embassies to the capital; then turn around and appease the Arabs by offering, as compensation, to place a consulate in eastern Jerusalem, thereby strengthening Palestinian claims. That would enrage Israel, mollify the Arabs, and leave the diplomats snickering into their champagne.
     On the other hand, the last thing we need is all those embassies in our capital. It would mess up this country something terrible.
    Think of it:
    Half the population of Herzliya Pituah would move to Jerusalem.
    Property values in Tel Aviv's richest burbs would plummet, and skyrocket in Ein Karem. The economic backlash would be staggering.
    We'd have to come up with a few hundred fancy villas in -- ha! -- Jerusalem, or risk having all those ambassadors recalled.
    Fancy villas, that is, with rolling lawns and built-in swimming pools, in a city with little space and less water.
    That obnoxious tradition of Jerusalem consulates hosting separate parties for Jews and Arabs -- tolerable only because they're mere consulates -- would become intolerably insulting when embassies start doing it.
    The high-living diplocorps would leave The City That Never Stops for The City That Never Stops Praying. Yeah, OK, we have parties here in Jerusalem, but you know how it is: you can be the last one to leave the swingingest bash in Jerusalem, get in your car, do dinner, and make it in time for the earliest party in Tel Aviv. Forgive us, but we've never fully recovered from the siege of '48.
    Fashion shows would become de rigueur in Jerusalem, where the greatest fashion issue is what color your black clothes is.
    Can you just imagine the, shall we say, differences of opinion between the diplos and the haredim? The proliferation of tref food, the Shabbat infractions, those slinky goyish-looking women showing (gasp!) cleavage and thighs, the international incidents any time a diplo limo is stoned on Bar-Ilan Road...
     Jerusalem's narrow roads don't cope very well with big cars. In some places it's impossible to squeeze through in a toos-toos without scraping parked cars on either side. Diplomats are notorious for parking wherever they damn well please (come to think of it, so are Israelis).
    On the other hand, there'd be big savings for the Foreign Ministry, in phone calls and travel to the Tel Aviv region.
    Wonder how much tax money we'd save from 1997 to 2525 if we just moved the FM to Herzliya Pituah?