7/8/99

'Tis the season to be modest

    It's not enough that we're prohibited from killing, stealing, coveting and all the rest of the Big Ten. On top of that there's the 613 mitzvot, the laws of the State, basic table manners ... and now this:
    "With the approach of the holidays we would like to remind our fellow Jews... of the need to guard the rules of Sanctity and Modesty for which our people are praised."
    It doesn't come easy, being a Light Unto the Nations. We have to work at it. But once in a while, couldn't we be commanded to get down and boogy? The Nations might take to our Light if occasionally it were strobe.
    I'm not knocking goodliness, for which our people are praised. But the above proclamation, published in a London Jewish newspaper by the Rabbinical Council of the Union of Orthodox Hebrew Congregations, leaves me -- and perhaps a few other yidn -- wondering if I can attain such a supreme level of Jewishness.
    The notice goes on to provide helpful pointers:
    "Special care must be taken to avoid places where people dress immodestly. These include roads near a beach."
    Now, that's easy in Jerusalem, where the dress code is fast approaching that of Kabul. And we have no beaches. But go try being holier than thou in Tel Aviv, where you can go from synagogue to seashore without stripping off a shred of indecency. The rest of the country isn't much different: immodest dress just happens to be the national costume.
    "If one rents a holiday home which has a television or internet, one should disconnect and cover them, as soon as one arrives, so that no one in the family is tempted to use them. The Gemoro (Bovo Bassro 57b) writes that one may not put oneself in a position of temptation unnecessarily."
    I wonder if they can make an exception for my family. The only time we ever switch on the TV is when we gather 'round to watch the Verse of the Day. And I need the Net to access my CyberSiddur, which is de rigueur in my shul (http://www.shulnet.com).
    "The same standards of Kashrus must be observed on holiday as at home."
    Lobster only on paper plates. No prob.
    "One may not rely on an Eruv unless it has been set up by a competent Talmid Chochom."
    For you godless heathens out there, allow me to translate: you can only trust a scholar, a genius who has devoted his (note: not his/her) entire life to study, a brilliant sage who has mastered the subtleties of the Scriptures, to put a wire on a stick. I am not exaggerating.
    "During the holiday period it is especially important to set aside fixed times for Torah Study and learning with one's children..."
    We have a fixed time for such things. It's called "school." That there is no school during the holiday period is a fault that should be addressed to my Zionist, secular government.
    "In general, it is important that our behaviour at all times, when living among goyim, is such as to create a Kiddush Shem Shomayim (a credit to our race, sort of)."
    This does not apply to us: we are permitted to behave as sordidly as we wish because we do not live among goyim, or at least, the goyim we live among aren't worth impressing. Who cares what they think? In London, however, that's very important, in order to earn the highest Gentile compliment possible: "Well, at least they don't behave like drunken sots."
    Which makes me wonder: why don't the goyim care what the Jews think?
    With these Days of Awe approaching, I feel obliged to state that I will endeavor to guard my personal levels of sanctity and modesty (for which our people are praised).
    However, I think these guidelines are a bit beyond me. I would just as soon cover my wife as my TV (which, in some households, is a given). And I don't personally know a competent Talmid Chochom whom I would trust to construct an eruv to my diligent standards, so that God forbid carrying my tallis shouldn't be a sin. But I do promise to drive carefully.