13/10/97
A
roll
in
bed
Today's
shopping
tip:
if
you're
in
the
market
for
a
condom,
it
pays
to
look
around.
That
is,
if
you're
not
in
a
hurry.
It's
only
coincidence
that
I
happen
to
know
a
bit
about
the
condom
market.
I
was
looking
for
tissues.
Y'know,
the
nice
two-ply
in
the
square
box
with
the
floral
design.
I
was
not
looking
for
condoms.
I
don't
care
to
get
into
a
long
discussion
here
about
my
love
life,
but
it's
enough
that
you
know
I
don't
buy
condoms.
Tissues.
I
was
buying
tissues.
But
there
they
were,
right
at
eye-level,
and
here
I
was,
an
inquisitive
journalist
with
a
sniffly
nose,
which
also
happens
to
be
at
about
eye-level,
and
so
I
took
a
look.
I
can
recommend
Durex.
Not
because
it's
any
better
than
the
others,
or
cheaper,
or
environment-friendly,
but
because
with
every
box
you
buy,
you
get
a
free
gift.
A
roll
of
film.
Honest.
That's
why
I
was
so
interested
in
the
condom
display
at
our
local
pharmacy.
Maybe
I'm
old-fashioned,
or
short
on
imagination,
but
I'm
missing
something
here:
what's
the
connection?
With
my
limited
understanding
of
promotion
techniques,
I
would
have
thought
a
sales
gimmick
like
this
should
trigger
a
parallel
interest
in
the
giveaway.
Like,
buy
two
jars
of
peanut
butter
and
get
a
free
strawberry
jam;
or
a
free
tonic
water
with
every
bottle
of
gin.
If
I
was
rushing
out
to
pick
up
a
condom
six-pack
--
which,
I
repeat,
I
was
not,
as
I
am
a
happily
married
man
--
I
would
surely
not
burst
into
the
pharmacy
with
a
shopping
list
including
these
two
very
disparate
items.
Can
you
just
see
it?
Pell-mell
he
goes
to
buy
condoms.
It's
an
emergency.
He's
got
one
thing
in
mind.
But
wait,
lookit
that,
a
special
bonus!
When
he
finally
gets
back,
she
says,
nu,
did
you
get
it?
And
all
excited,
he
says
never
mind
that,
look
what
I
got
for
free!
It's
only
a
matter
of
time
before
the
other
condom
makers
get
wind
of
this.
A
gimmick
war.
Free!!
Two
AAA
batteries
with
every
purchase
of
Kutchy-Koo
Kondoms!!
Gift
inside!!
Exclusive
Barbie
fashion
outfit!!
Trade
with
your
friends!!
Bonus!!
Buy
this
pack
of
PutzWraps
with
your
American
Express
card
and
you
could
win
a
ticket
to
Disneyland!!
PutzWraps
and
American
Express
--
don't
leave
home
without
them.
Ever
since
I
took
that
fateful
step
into
the
neighborhood
pharmacy,
I
have
been
mulling
about
this
condom
offer
quite
a
lot.
(That's
my
job.)
I've
concluded
it
is
a
quintessentially
Israeli
thing.
We
are
not
by
nature
a
ponderous
nation.
Life's
too
short
to
worry
about
truths
or
consequences.
Get
going,
that's
our
national
motto.
Market
surveys,
consumer
analysis,
who's
got
time
or
patience
for
this?
So
some
Israeli
importer
or
distributor
had
this
warehouse
full
of
condoms
that
weren't
moving,
and
one
day
got
a
great
deal,
a
virtual
steal,
on
a
boatload
of
film.
Without
giving
a
moment's
thought
to
what
motivates
Mr.
and
Mrs.
Israeli
Shopper,
this
guy
slapped
these
two
packages
together,
sent
them
off
to
his
outlets,
and
sat
at
his
desk
waiting
for
the
profits
to
roll
in.
He
didn't
have
to
give
that
moment's
thought,
because
he
knows
that
what
motivates
the
Israeli
pushing
around
the
shopping
cart
is
deals.
Specials.
Bonuses.
Two
for
the
price
of
one.
Buy
two
get
the
second
at
half
price.
Raffles.
20%
extra.
Package
deals.
Introductory
offers.
In
this
respect,
I'm
as
Israeli
as
the
next
guy.
For
a
minute
there,
I
found
it
hard
to
resist
a
free
roll
of
film.
What
if
it's
an
offer
never
to
be
repeated
again?
Should
I
take
advantage
and
stock
up?
Unless...
Unless
it
was
all
a
mistake,
and
the
condoms
were
free
with
the
purchase
of
a
roll
of
film.
Maybe
the
pharmacy
stocker
put
the
packages
on
the
wrong
shelf.
That
would
change
everything:
not
for
a
second
would
I
think
of
buying
that
film,
because
what
would
I
do
with
the
free
condoms?
If
they
were
really
smart,
they'd
be
offering
a
free
box
of
two-ply
tissues
in
a
square
box
with
a
floral
design
with
the
purchase
of
a
roll
of
film.
I'd
buy
the
lot.
