6/4/99

The bread of affliction

    They've tried everything with matza: low-cal, high-fiber, egg, onion or garlic flavored, square, round, miniature, oversized, by hand, by machine, with or without holes ... but it all comes down to the same thing:
    Constipation.
    It's not something we like to talk about, which is dumb, because right about now, oy, are we bummed out. Pretty much the entire Jewish population of the Jewish State has it.
    If it's bondage we commemorate on Pessah, we're doing the right thing -- intestinal bondage is the best way to experience solidarity with our Israelite ancestors.
    They too did not make a public issue of it -- at least, not enough to have it mentioned in the Bible. Perhaps they benefited from one of those minor, unmentioned miracles: between the matza and the manna, maybe they were given something to graze on, to alleviate their Pessah-itis.
    After all, they couldn't wait it out. They had to get their tushies in gear for a 40-year walkathon.
    The Bible skips over the cruder aspects of life back then, which is why it took this long for this particular Passover syndrome to be recognized. We know for certain the Israelites took to squawking a lot over their plight, unappreciative of simply having been rescued from slavery. And you couldn't blame them for braying that they were in no condition to get up and flee.
    Not everything was spelled out, of course: much was left to the interpretations of the great scriptural commentators. But they did not have the luxury of being able to write in our uninhibited era. It was a little too embarrassing to wax pilpulistically on ancestral excretions. In truth, even these days, there are people a little uneasy about it.
    The Associated Press broached the subject in an article last Pessah, which means it got worldwide exposure, which means now everyone knows our little tribal secret. As the saying goes, even bad publicity is publicity, so you can be sure of two things: (1) the goyim are going to pounce on matza as the hottest new thing in ethnic cuisine, and (2) we'll be blamed for the outcome -- or, more correctly, the lack of it.
    The entire civilized world will wake up and ask, whatsa matza?
    You think Manischewitz, or Horowitz-Margareten, are going to pass on a shot at mass-marketing their product? What, they're going to consider the antisemitic risks when there's millions to be made?
    Look what happened with the bagel. Since forever, the bagel was exclusively ours. On Sundays, when the Christians were all in church, we snuck out and bought a dozen, went home, closed the door and ate 'em when they weren't looking.
    All of a sudden, some genius announced "You don't have to be Jewish to love bagels!" and the word was out. You couldn't know who you were going to stand in line behind, at your local bagel bakery.
    It turned out to be a terrible mistake because two things happened: (1) the goyim pounced on bagels as the hottest new thing in ethnic cuisine, and (2) we were blamed for the outcome: according to news reports in recent years, American hospitals claim the most common injury they treat on Sundays is a new phenomenon, Bagel Finger. People have been rushing to emergency clinics in droves with bloodied fingers, sliced when they were attempting to halve a wonky Jewish bagel.
    Fortunately, no one has yet thought to sue the Jewish People for failing to affix a warning notice on each bagel. Or at least an instruction booklet. But don't count on it not happening some day. That's how it is in certain litigation-mad nations. (Just wait: we're going to have to print a disclaimer on matza boxes: "No Christian children were harmed in the making of this product.")
    We must be vigilant. We must not make the same mistake with matza. Constipation must remain exclusively Jewish. Let everyone else eat fortune cookies, or tacos, or Graham crackers.
    Because matza-eaters won't be queuing up in emergency rooms. They'll be sitting and at home and stewing about how the Jews got 'em yet again, right where it hurts.
    And it won't end there. Sometime in the future, they'll already be mad at us for bagels and matza -- and then they'll discover cholent.