2/1/00

Speaking of the millennium...

    "Like everyone says, it's a global village. But we don't have a global holiday. This was it. The whole world celebrated, one zonal slice at a time, the first truly universal expression of happiness and goodwill without any difference of opinion."
    "But we absented ourselves. Israel, Afghanistan, Iran."
    "What are you talking about? There was plenty to do."
    "Yeah, behind closed doors. Was there another Western country that refused to organize anything to mark the event?"
    "Which just proves what I always say: this is not a Western democracy as long as this rabbinocracy dictates."
    "I had to find some action, I had to experience this, but you know Jerusalem. I called friends, looked in the paper -- nothing. A couple of parties, but from what I heard they didn't amount to much. There was that thing at the Y, but I ain't spending 600 shekels. I heard the place to go is Bethlehem, but I dunno, it didn't appeal to me. So I went downtown, Kikar Zion."
    "And?"
    "Huh. I was the only person there without acne. A couple of thousand dopy teenagers, bumper-to-bumper traffic, it was -- well, I wouldn't say exciting, but it was better than staying home. I thought I'd bump into some people I know, because that's how it is in Jerusalem, but this was just kids, what do they understand? There were about six little fireworks, so at least there was something, but it was a typically Israeli experience in a way: no one could agree on the time. One group would start a countdown and cheer when they got to midnight, and then another started their own countdown. This happened about five or six times. No one knew that at this exact moment, 2000 had begun."
    "Well at least the haredim didn't make trouble."
    "Actually, it was funny. There were a few. They seemed to want to experience it too, otherwise why would they have been hanging around? And there was a couple of, I mean,  real haredim, with the shtreimels and capotas. But they were great: they were dancing and singing hassidic tunes, being real friendly to the crowd. And they were giving out shots of vodka, apples, and bits of kugel! You know how I feel about the haredim, but these guys, they weren't confrontational, they weren't even shtupping 'Shabbos' at the crowd: just, I suppose, giving people to think about Jewishness. I actually ended up hanging around these haredim, because I like what they were doing. And they were the only ones my age."
    "I was downtown, just driving through, and I saw something I was sure was going to end up in violence. A group of maybe five Christians were marching around in Santa costumes with lit torches, loudly singing and celebrating, and at Safra Square they walked past a group of haredim. I thought, uh-oh. But it was cool. CNN would have loved that."
    "If you were watching CNN, they kept coming back to what's happening in Jerusalem, even though -- or maybe because -- nothing was happening, that the city was totally ignoring it."
    "CNN was great, but I'll tell you, I was impressed by Israel TV, Channel 1. Channel 2 treated you like you're stupid, they were so superficial, I didn't stay there long."
    "Problem is, there's so much media, so few journalists."
    "Tel Aviv was great, I hear. Well, not compared to London maybe. But it was really festive."
    "Yeah, if you like trance music."
    "That's what Israeli kids have come to. 'Hava Nargila.' "
    "Remember when we were kids, and if you didn't have a date for New Year's you wanted to kill yourself? I got so depressed that I had nothing special to do Friday night, but jeez, I'm middle aged, this really shouldn't matter so much. But y'know, for 35 years I've been looking forward to this moment."
    "Did you hear about that 119-year-old woman, oldest person in the world? She died on Thursday. One day before! Unbelievable!"
    "Ad mea v'esrim."
    "My cousin is due to give birth today, right on January 1. So I said, you must be really excited -- maybe you'll be the first! She said 'Nah, it doesn't mean anything to me.' She's religious. Gawd, what a waste! This kid's going to have such an amazing birthdate, and they could care less."
    "So where were you last night?"
    "Party. A really crappy party. I wanted to leave, but I didn't want to insult the host. I should have stayed home."
    "All the people staying home watching TV, they thought, what a waste, I should be out partying. And the people who went to parties, they wished they'd stayed home and watched TV."
     "I watched most of the day. What an experience."
    "Everyone cheering as midnight came: There was a message in that. People were fed up with the last millennium, they were demanding a change."
    "Did you see the fireworks in London? I think that was the best show of all."
    "No way! That was just insane excess; you'd expect that in America -- y'know, 'More is Better.' The London show had no artistry, no theme, no buildup: just an all-out assault. You could see the facial expressions of the crowd, at the beginning they were thrilled out of their minds, by the end they were kind of pummeled, numb, overwhelmed. You can't enjoy something like that for so long, so unrelentingly. The Paris fireworks were much better: that  was art."
    "I liked the Maoris best."
    "Australia. Did you see the Australia show?"
    "The strongest vibe was from New York, the time ball and the Billy Joel thing."
    "Be honest, the best was Barry Manilow."
    "You must be kidding!"
    "I was at a party and I ask some old guy if he's excited about the millennium celebrations, and he says, 'Ah, you seen one, you seen 'em all.' It was like, this was his fifth or sixth millennium! So I said, 'If I may ask, how old are you?' "
    "I can't stop laughing about the Y2K panic. In the end, it was a complete dud."
    "Well sure, because the world spent billions to fix it."
    "I'm convinced the bug is real. I have a specialized computer program, written about 12 years ago. And yesterday, to test it, I entered the date 010100. Sure enough, it took it as 'January 1, 1900.' "
    "I was thinking, for weeks and months we've been hearing about the greatest-this-of-the century, the greatest-that-of-the-millennium, the most important man, the baseball player of the century. Every magazine had their lists. OK, today's January 1. Something like 12 hours have passed. Now's the time to do that! Who's the greatest athlete of the third millennium? The most important event of the 21st century?"
    "It's that time of year. Wacko season."
    "Y'know, we could have made a fortune from this: offering donkey rides from Jerusalem to Bethlehem, white asses, you know what I mean? And we charge double for pregnant women."
    "Millennium Madness."
    "Why madness? It's been one of the greatest days we'll ever know."
    What's amazing is that there were almost no crazies, and from what I hear crime around the world was way down."
    "For the first time ever, I think, the whole world was just ... happy."
    "Yeah, unless you were stuck in Jerusalem."