11/1/99

Pleasing the Japanese

    Masahiko Komura is smiling this morning.
    The Japanese foreign minister is camped out in perhaps the swankest hotel room in the capital, the Presidential Suite ("Bill Clinton slept here") of the Laromme Hotel. But thatג€™s the standard for a VIP of Komuraג€™s stature. No reason to smile.
    The food during his two-day stay is eye-popping, but he probably wonג€™t eat much of it, because ministers who travel a lot seldom do.
    The hotel has gone to extraordinary lengths to please him ג€“ guests get stationery with their names printed at the top, they get natty slippers, the minister gets a bathrobe with his name embossed in Hebrew and English -- but heג€™s used to such treatment.
    Well, except for one thing: the miniature golf course in his suite. (The Laromme found out Komura loves golf.)
    That has him beaming.
    He probably doesnג€™t even realize how difficult it is to find such an item around here. Rachel Roiterstein, in charge of PR for the hotel, described the frantic but very hopeless search, which ended when they got someone to build it.
    If the FM is smiling, the Japanese embassy staff must be weeping for joy. This is the highest-level delegation theyג€™ve ever arranged in this country, and theyג€™re petrified of the slightest hitch, the slightest twitch of disapproval on Komuraג€™s face. It may be impossible for Israelis to understand this, but for the Japanese, imperfection is absolutely unforgivable.
    You canג€™t imagine the extent of this.
    I hold in my hand a copy of a fax from the Embassy of Japan. It is a diagram titled "Desk Arrangement for Press." There are two drawings ג€“ overview and side view ג€“ of precisely how the desk must be set up. It must be 183 cm long, 76 cm deep, 70 cm high. From left to right, theyג€™ve drawn a fax machine, telephone, ashtray, glass, water bottle. Three chairs, 50 cm wide, 58 cm deep. A garbage can on the right side. Everything is labeled in Japanese, because every instruction ג€“ down to where the ashtray must be placed ג€“ comes from Japan.
    The hotel usually gets a couple of pages of special instructions preceding even the VIPpiest delegation; the Japanese Embassy sent 12 pages.
    An embassy staffer was sent before the delegation to check that everything was just so, that all the electronic gadgetry (which happens to be almost entirely made-in-Japan) worked properly. They were not about to accept a casual "yihye bג€™seder" and believe that it would all work out in the end. There was too much at stake: losing face.
    The hotel must be feeling pretty proud that it was chosen by the Japanese ג€“ who are more yekke than the yekkes ג€“   because the personal and professional risks are immense. The one thing they didnג€™t think of is that the Laromme is, to them, unpronounceable.
    The Japanese are uncompromisingly Japanese. The Israelis hosting and serving them at the Laromme have learned that they can do their very best, they might even be perfect, and it wonג€™t be enough.
    The hotel staff researched the doג€™s and donג€™ts of communicating with the Japanese: never embarrass them; speak slowly because theyג€™ll never ask you to repeat yourself; be prepared with small talk about Japan, and learn how to say it; never touch them; bow when bowed to; learn the finest details of body language.
    But like I said, it wonג€™t be enough. The hotel staffers are trying very hard to be nice. They think theyג€™re being nice. But it doesnג€™t make any impression, because to the Japanese, we are mere natives. It is not exactly condescension; itג€™s just that weג€™re like aliens who canג€™t possibly understand their way.
    And you thought American tourists are difficult.

KOMURA AND his entourage ג€“ 25 from Japan, 20 from the embassy, plus press ג€“ are guests of the Israeli government. The costs, from the Presidential Suite ($870 plus taxes per night) to that precisely placed bottle of water, are borne by the Israeli taxpayer.
    Would you like to know why heג€™s here?
    Itג€™s not to enhance relations with Israel, expand trade with Israel, show friendship with Israel. Certainly, Komura is meeting with our leaders, touring Yad Vashem, making a pilgrimage to Rabinג€™s grave site, but thatג€™s just protocol; itג€™s not why heג€™s here. Heג€™s here to hand over a check for $200 million to the Palestinians.
    Thatג€™s very nice, but why are we paying for it? Probably because the Japanese Embassy would jump off the roof before putting their foreign minister in a hotel in Gaza.
    The reason heג€™s here is because a major FM who visits Lebanon, Syria, Jordan and the Palestinian Authority has to pop by Israel too, if only that we shouldnג€™t howl that Japan is still as loyal to the Arab boycott as it used to be. 
    But they are still as loyal to Arab approval, which is why they got out $200 million from petty cash to win a nod from the wider Arab world. Itג€™s not  so much pity for the poor  Palestinians as it is a measured diplomatic gesture, political correctness crucial for global status. The Arabs themselves donג€™t care about the Palestinians, at least, not as much as  many Israelis do.
    The Japanese can half expect Arafat to pocket the money anyway.   OK, maybe thatג€™s not nice to say. Maybe he will use the money to develop his wretchedly undeveloped land, starting with their top priority: building a palatial hotel in Gaza for the next time Komura visits. Complete with golf course.