26/4/99

Is Rael for real?

    A mighty foreign power wants to locate its embassy in Jerusalem.
    And the Israelis aren't interested?!
    The foreign power is warning of "catastrophic consequences on the people of Israel" if its request is not granted.
    The request comes from God. More correctly, the godlike Creators -- the "Elohim" -- through their messiah, a French journalist named Rael.
    Y'see, they created us 25,000 years ago in extraterrestrial laboratories, and they'd like very much to come visit, but they don't want to kick up a fuss. They want to come in peace -- and they need a place to stay.
    That's according to the Israeli Raelian Movement in Tel Aviv. They kindly faxed us a "synopsis of the most Important Message in the History of Humanity, given to Rael on December 13, 1973, October 7, 1975, and on December 13, 1997, by our extraterrestrial Creators, the Elohim."
    The gods met with the Frenchman and asked him to mention their message to all of humanity and in particular, to the people of Israel. Rael has been traveling around the world for the past 26 years to spread the word.
    For some reason, nobody is taking notice. Certainly not the faithless Israeli government, which has so far not even bothered to respond to the gods. Except maybe to roll its eyes heavenward.
    I shouldn't really call them gods. They are -- so they say in their fax -- beings from another planet who came to Earth and created man in their image, as well as all forms of life, thanks to their mastery of genetic engineering.
    And we have not been very appreciative. They sent us Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, and still we haven't understood. They recalled their prophet, Eliyahu, in a spaceship; Ezekiel described (chapter 1, verse 1-28) the landing of one of their crafts. Shouldn't that be enough to convince us?
    "Our prophet Daniel," sayeth the fax, "spoke about the 144,000 who would have their foreheads sealed, as those who would recognize us, meaning the Raelians."
    I can think of close to that many who should have their mouths sealed, but I wish to point out (if the Elohim are reading this) that pretty much everybody, except for people who've undergone a frontal lobotomy, has a sealed forehead.
    If you know of a dead Raelian, ask to see his luz. That will prove everything. The luz is "an imperishable bone that contains all the genetic information of an individual which can be used to recreate a human being after his death. In our commandments it is recommended that all those who recognize us during their lifetime have this bone removed after their death."
    According to the fax (which was sent from a Tel Aviv phone, and not from another planet), Rael is the messiah, but all the rabbis I've consulted on this matter insist the messiah will not speak French, and will certainly not be a journalist.
    Propheteering is a tricky business, as Rael could tell us. The Masters of the Universe come to you and say, see here, we exist! Tell all your friends! But people just don't want to know. Frankly, they're more interested in the scores from yesterday's games.
    The Elohim are holding out for a snazzy building for their embassy, specifically the Third Temple, but if the government would only take them seriously, they'd probably settle for something less. The new Central Bus Station, for example: the perfect location for a UFO landing pad, conveniently connecting intergalactic travelers with Egged's.
    I wouldn't doubt a fellow journalist's facts -- if he met with the gods, who am I to say he didn't? -- but there is one little hole in his story. If we were made in Their image, we should be just as smart as Them; so why are our politicians behaving like their foreheads are unsealed?