1/9/97

Off the Wall

    Nothing like a traditional bar mitzva, marshmallows and all.
    When Rabbi Jay Karzen made aliya from Chicago in 1985, he discovered that the last thing the Jewish State needs is rabbis. Fortunately, he is just the right kind of rabbi to make his mark here: unorthodox Orthodox.
    Sure enough, a year later, he found his calling. He couldn't help but notice the balagan (mayhem) at the Wall, which for locals might be a way of life, but for visiting families conscripting their children into Jewish adulthood, well, something had to be done.
    The Bar Mitzva King was born.
    He called his shtick Rituals Unlimited, never realizing that hundreds of rituals later, he'd be writing a book on the "unlimited" part of it.
    He's been asked to fulfill some of the darndest requests you can imagine. Like the 75-year-old man who wanted a bar mitzva ... to please his 95-year-old mother.
    Some of the letters he's received suggest that there are Jewish youngsters (he also does a nice bat mitzva) who might just as well be summoned to the Torah in Disneyland. An Arab beigele vendor at Dung Gate understands more about Judaism, and the Wall, and bar mitzvas, than a fair slice of Diaspora Jewry.
    Rabbi Karzen assures us all these letters are real (I assure you his responses were a lot more diplomatic than my suggestions hereunder) ....
    "We would like to decorate our side of the mehitza fence with balloons and/or flowers, to make it look more festive. Is this a problem?"
    A problem? Nah. Regulars at the Wall have long been saying the place needs a bit of oomph. Maybe you can bring some Christmas decorations?
    "We hear that most of the men wear black velvet skullcaps at the Wall. We prefer blue and intend to bring satin kipot with our son's name and date on them. Is this acceptable and will the ultra-Orthodox make fun of us if we wear yarmulkas of a different color and fabric?"
    I assure you the ultra-Orthodox, who are avowedly not clothes-conscious, will be deeply moved by it all. In fact, I suggest you bring an extra supply of blue satin kipot for them to wear too. And we'll tell them to wear their blue suits.
    "We expect a very large crowd at the Western Wall for our simcha. Can you please arrange to book the entire Kotel for this event. We are prepared to pay whatever it costs."
     Consider it done. I know of an abandoned disco downtown, we can redirect the other worshippers there for the day. Nobody will mind. PS: There's an ATM automatic teller imbedded in the Wall, for your convenience.
    "For our invitations we need to know exact address of the Kotel."
    The Wall, 3842-A The Holy One Blessed Be He Boulevard West, Suite 2428, al-Quds.
    "We are not a particularly religious family. Is it possible to have a non-religious BM ceremony at the Wall?"
    Why sure! A religious ceremony is not the only way to induct a blushing boy into manhood.
    "Here in the USA all sets of tefillin we see at the local bookstores and Sisterhood Gift Shoppes are all BLACK. Can tefillin be blue or some other bright color? We would prefer something more festive than black! After all this is a Simcha!"
    When you get to Israel, I'll take you to a Black Sisterhood Gift Shoppe, where all the tefillin are white.
    "Can you rent tefillin in Israel? We do not wish to purchase this expensive item for one time usage."
    A pair of tefillin is standard equipment with all rent-a-cars in Israel.  
    "Our son does not attend religious school and cannot read any Hebrew. Can you conduct an all-English bar mitzva service for us?"
    A cinch. We'll just use the original English version of the Torah, and not the Hebrew translation.
    "Jason's birthday is in November but we can only come to Israel during the summer vacation. Is it permissible to advance the ceremony a few months? Can you be flexible and stretch the law a bit? After all, isn't it more important for a Jewish youngster to have his first aliya in Jerusalem a few months early than not at all? (We could have lied and told you he was already 13.)"
    I could go to Rabbinical Prison for that. Tell you what we'll do. You say he'll be 12 years old? We'll give him a bat mitzva instead.
    "We will be part of an organized tour group and want to have a simple early morning bar mitzva service in order to be back at the hotel for breakfast and not miss the day's tour. Can we have a 6:30 a.m. service (abbreviated)? Do we get a discount for a shorter service?"
    Or you could skip the hotel breakfast, ask them for a discount, and I'll arrange for rabbis at the Kotel to serve coffee and danish.
    "We plan to write prayers to place inside the Kotel, as is the tradition. Can these prayers be written in English or must they be only in Hebrew?"
    I'm afraid the English translator is on vacation at present. Can you write them in Aramaic?
    "Please order a large sign with our family name for the Kotel so that when the guests arrive they will be able to locate us easily."
    Are you in luck. They've just installed a great new electronic cartoony kind of stadium scoreboard on the Kotel. We can program it to flash messages like "Yo! Gerald's bar mitzva guests! Over here by the hotdog stand!"
    "We are preparing the Torah honors list to bring with us. Can a non-Jew have a non-speaking honor during the Torah service (i.e. opening the Ark curtain or doors)??? Will it be offensive to you if we give such an honor to a Jew who is agnostic?"
    I'm afraid this would not be allowed. They will have to convert. Fortunately your bar mitzva package includes five free circumcisions.
    "Our travel agent has booked you to officiate at our daughter's bat mitzva... She wishes to wear a tallit for the service and we wish to purchase this item in Israel. We understand that in an area called 'Meah Shearim' they have the largest selection of tallitot. Do they also carry a variety of female tallitot in feminine colors?"
    You're more likely to find this item in Gaza City.
    "I know that you supply the candy that is thrown at the bar mitzva. Our son is afraid of being hurt by aggressive candy-throwers. Can we bring marshmallows from the States?"
    May I suggest felafel balls.